momtocole

April 28, 2005
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I remember that I slept in this morning. I got up and puttered around the house. I felt like doing some cleaning, so I took off my rings and cleaned the top of the stove. I think that Steve took a half day from work, so when he got home we got in the truck and drove to our routine midwife visit. I loved those drives-it gave us time to talk about the baby and the future and names and stuff like that. When we got there my urine was fine (protein a little high, but nothing to worry about). I got on the scale and was heavier than I had ever been in my life. I told the mw asst. how it's weird to be happy about that Then I climbed up on the table and she admired my bump and told me this was the week that we'd start measuring too. How exciting! So she starts feeling around and is having trouble finding the baby. I'm not even the tiniest bit worried. Then our mw Pam comes in with a different machine and she can't find a hearbeat either. They have me get up and assure me things will be fine. By now I'm starting to panic. We talk a bit but I can't focus and by the time they have me lay back down again I'm a mess. My heart is racing and I'm crying and they still can't find a heartbeat. Here starts the journey of darkness. They tell Steve how to drive us to their supporting doctors office and he'll do an ultrasound right away. The asst. tells me to keep my chin up and things like this have happened before and the baby was just in a weird position and everything's fine. So we drive there in a fog. What is happening? We filled out paperwork and I think we really didn't believe there could be a problem. The dr. took us in and we immediately knew something was horribly wrong. He says "I'm sorry". and Steve lost it. I have never seem him react to anything the way he did to those words. I remember sitting and staring in shock. He asked if we wanted to look, and I turned my head. And saw my baby. Floating. Completely still. We had just seen him happy and active about 2 weeks prior, and I hadn't looked much because we didn't want to know the sex. The dr. tells me that I will have to deliver the baby and I remember shaking my head and refusing. He kind of hurried us out of there and we went back to the mw's. I don't remember any of that driving. We got there and were taken to a private room and thank goodness I was never left alone. They told me what would happen, and I remember asking if it would happen here in the office-I had no idea about anything like this. Babies don't die! I had no idea. I remember sitting and rocking and crying and shaking my head saying "I don't want to do this" over and over and over. I simply could not believe that they would put me through this. My baby had died. Poor Steve had to call our parents, friends, work, etc. I loved that mw's office. So warm and cozy and a little messy. That was all ruined in a second for me. At some point in these travels we were going up or down stairs and a dad-to-be was going to be with his wife and was all excited and said "good luck!" to us. We got in the truck (again, I don't know how) and followed our mw and her asst. to the hospital. We parked and walked in and the guy at the door said "god bless". We went up the elevator and I'm pretty sure walked past the nursery. There was a room ready for me. I got changed and the nurse asked me all kinds of questions. I had never been admitted to a hospital before and pretty much hated them. I asked our mw asst. if they would be staying, and she assured me they would be there the whole time. I also asked her if we would get a birth and death certificate. She said that she thought so. Turns out, you don't get either. I believe I got my first dose of cervadil around 8 or 9 pm that night. My parents came and lora. And I think that's about it for the 28th of April 2005.

April 28, 2006
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I think of this day as the worst day of my life. The day my world ended. I don't think of the 29th as that day, because that's the day I got to meet my son. And as sad as that was, there's no way that could be the worst day. So, today I'm feeling scared. I don't understand how the world isn't stopping for these days. I'm literally shocked whenever I see and event with the date of April 29th. How could they? Don't they know it's my son's birthday? I'm just so sad. I should be having a first birthday party tomorrow. Instead I'm losing my mind hoping and wishing that my baby boy is ok. That he knows how much I love him. That he is happy and with loved ones. I still have a hard time accepting that this is my life. I don't understand how this happened, and I never will. I'm trying to take it easy and just watch tv and relax, but sometimes that's hard. I wish I could just crawl in a hole and shut off from this sunny, warm outside world. Well, I guess that's kind of what I've been doing in my house. Mommy loves you Cole