marsalilass

God of mischief, God of strife, God of generally f*cking you over! I've always said he was my patron God, but, all joking aside, after today I truely believe he is. Seriously, there is someone out there that doesn't want me having my own biological child and I can only believe it's got to be Loki behind it all. For no other reason than he likes to watch other's suffering and I'm REALLY GOOD at suffering! I do all the right things, I cry, I scream, I beg, I deny . . . probably a real pleasure for a jerk such as him to watch. I'm regular grade-A reality TV for the b*stard. I bet he's up there right now watching my type this, rubbing his little hands together in delighted glee -

You know, it's so much easier to believe in divine power than to simply believe that life is not fair. At least I have someone to blame and I don't have to feel guilty about it because he LOVES it! Hahaw!

Here is the real deal. Had my post-IVF consult with Dr. B today. I was hoping for a different protocal with a dash of hope mixed in there somewhere. Of course that's not what I got! Oh, no, no, no . . . I got a big fat bowl of "how do you feel about donor egg?"! DONOR EGG! At the ripe old age of 29 years old with an FSH of 7, I'm being given the "donor egg speech". What in bleedin' crud is up with that eh?

I could be in denial, but I just don't believe it's gone that far already. I waffle between being thankful that he doesn't want us to waste anymore money on a lost cause and being angry that he's not willing to give me one last hope for my own eggs. More than anything else in the world I want to be pregnant! I don't know that I even care anymore about biology. Sure, I think I'd be a little jealous that a DE baby would be party DH and none of myself, but I think I might be more hurt by never experiencing pregnancy.

We did talk about donor embryo and, while they do the proceedure there, they haven't had the greatest success with it. RE made some good points about how Dembies are going to be the 2nd best because they weren't the ones chosen to be transferred. So, not only were they 2nd best, but they were frozen which is also a risk . . . . although, now that I'm writing this and thinking about it, women DO get pg during FET cycles after fresh. So how would Dembie be different than a FET?

So, I've had entirely too much time to think about DE today while sitting at work alone. I have a crap-ton of sorority sisters who might be willing to donate and, that way, save some $$. Of course, then I'd probably feel weird about the fact that, not only am I not carrying my own baby, but I'm carrying the child of one of my sisters. Ug! Doubly weird that DH would be the father . . . . maybe DE and DS? . . . . ha ha ha- starting my own alphabet soup treatment.

I'm heartbroken. This consult just took me back 2 weeks in my BFN recovery.