MareRI

I cannot begin to tell you how amazing my FT friends are...I mean, to some this is "just a website" but OMG...the support and love is amazing to begin with, but when a crisis arises, people really show their true colors and shine. I have tried to explain to dh the amount of support that my "girls" here have given me, and how important it is ...my RL friends are great, dont get me wrong, but its like we expect them to be there in crisis KWIM? like, what else are friends for? ...

well...our last full day in FL...its snowing at home, and it is sunny and HOT here...yippee. I cant wait to get home actually...this trip, when i planned it, was such a good idea, but after all thats happened, it has turned into a big mistake. I have had to be social for almost 10 days, with my cousins and aunts and uncles who should all know i dont want to entertain right now...and my cousin is the biggest pain in the ass, she wont leave me alone, asking questions etc...while i do want to talk ...

we went to Sea World Orlando today...kind of bittersweet in a weird way...when i planned the trip in Dec/Jan, I planned Sea World bec i knew it was smaller than Disney and would be easier for me with the two boys being that i would be (should be) 22 weeks pg...i planned stops along the way thinking i would be tired/have to pee etc...and we went today, and i tried to make it a good day for the boys, and all i could think about was my empty womb and my empty broken heart...and of course, we kept ...

i have a "sad song" playlist on my iPod...and torture myself daily by listening to it...my new "favorites"

Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
...

dh went to the cemetary yesterday for me, to visit "Baby Bella Boo", as he calls her. i know he isnt thrilled with her name, he was never a huge fan, but i always knew, my girl would be a baby Bella...anyway, he hasnt made any comments about ttc again, but i asked him to take down the crib while we were here and he said he doesnt want to because if it comes down, it probably wont go back up (stripped bolt or something)...i think, its his way of leaving that door open for us...though i ...

well, me and the boys are here in FLA with my parents and aunts and uncles...we had planned our visit in Dec, and my dr felt it would be good for me to still come, since we are such a close family. he thought being with them would help...ack! my family are all "off the boat" Italians, and while they have been here a while, they are still sooooo old fashioned..one of my aunts will not let up with the crying for me, and i have to avoid her now...i am trying to hold things together, not ...

http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f148/mareri/tat1.jpg

well. it sort of worked...like me, I sort of work

my brother...I used to give him some slack, and just think that he just didnt know how to say the right thing, but that he meant well...when we told him we were pg with Isabella, at 9w or so, the next time he saw me he said "so, are you still pregnant?" ...gave him some slack that maybe he didnt know how else to ask if all was well (he isnt that demonstrative)...he was in Vegas when we lost her...he came over on Sunday night...

I gave him a mass card from the memorial and ...

well, today would have been my "big" ultrasound...we wouldve learned today that we were having a baby girl...I painted my nails pink today, in honor of Isabella...and went to the cemetary to visit my baby's grave instead of rejoicing with my dh and boys ... I dont know how to do anything more than exist right now, there is no joy in anything...Andrew and I have been arguing lately, dont know if its just his usual orneryness, or what, and i know he is going through emotions he hasnt ...