http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/ Infertility and Adoption online interactive support community for your family-building efforts. Information and discussion includes infertility, adoption, pregnancy, parenting and surrogacy issues. en Wed, 22 May 2013 17:47:50 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/ http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/6052-pic-me.html Wed, 05 Nov 2008 21:32:23 GMT My friend CindyBW took this picture on Saturday of me. I know some of you have wondered what I look like now that I lost some weight :) So here ya go... Image: http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j27/twinfants/KariNov08.jpg My friend CindyBW took this picture on Saturday of me. I know some of you have wondered what I look like now that I lost some weight :) So here ya go...

]]> KMic05 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/6052-pic-me.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/6358-now.html Wed, 29 Oct 2008 14:48:02 GMT From now on I am only communicating with him through emails. When he calls me, I can feel my blood pressure go up! ugh. I even can't stand when I see his name come up on my cell phone - I shouldn't have to feel that way.

He called this morning at my work (I dont have caller ID). I told him flat out if he wants to get in touch with me to email me.

My gloves are off now so bring it on!!!!! ]]> KMic05 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/6358-now.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/6388-happier-note.html Tue, 28 Oct 2008 20:20:38 GMT Well, instead of dwelling on my divorce - I am redirecting my thoughts to happier things....

I am getting ready for a fun birthday party for the twins on Saturday. I know Friday is Halloween and it'll be a busy night as well but I need to focus my energy elsewhere. I have almost everything bought for the party and it's going to look very nice. I hope it turns out the way I am picturing it :) I'll have to take pics to post too.

N&N are going to be Batman and Batgirl for Halloween. AND Mommy is dressing up as well.... I am going to be Catwoman :D I got a cat suit that has a tail and the catwoman mask with the long claw nails (they are faux leather gloves with the black nails attached). The catsuit is actually cute (not too slutty or anything)...lol It has black feathers on the collar, arms and bottom of the legs.. It's cute! I love dressing up and I can still get away with it since I have little kids..lol

We'll be going to my brothers house to trick-or-treat with the cousins. My brothers get dressed up and so do both of my SIL's. Should be a fun time!!

Saturday night my friend wants me to pop over after the twins bday party to meet her BIL. She sent me a pic of him and he's very cute! He has no idea she wants to set me up with him but I'm going over to check him out...LOL Hey, ya never know what can happen - he's going thru a divorce as well and it's his wife who ran around. He is a great Dad, makes good money, and she said he deserves someone sweet like me.....awwwwww....heehee

Things like this help keep my mind off the yucky divorce proceedings. I can't keep stressing & worrying. ]]> KMic05 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/6388-happier-note.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/7183-taking-kids-disney-ice.html Wed, 08 Oct 2008 12:58:24 GMT We go next Sunday on the 19th. I cannot wait! haha I don't know who is more excited - me or the kids :D Both of my parents want to go which is cute! I am surprised my Dad actually wants to go but he loves to see the kids expressions.....

I'll post pics after we go :) ]]> KMic05 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/7183-taking-kids-disney-ice.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/7771-rehearsal.html Wed, 24 Sep 2008 13:36:49 GMT It's tomorrow night that I have to bring the kids to rehearsal for my friend B's wedding. He's still going through with getting married. I think what he had told me about how he feels about me was the "pre-wedding" jitters. Honestly, I do think that's what it was. Some people get very nervous or wonder what the heck they are getting themselves into and if they should do it or not. B and I are best of friends - even tho he's a guy, we are like best friends. I don't feel the same for him - I mean yes, I love him as a friend but it would never work for us if we dated.

Anyhoo, I have to see Andy tomorrow night and on Saturday for the wedding. I had to see him last night too b/c he took Nicholas for his last tux fitting. Andy said to me "how are we gonna do this at the wedding?" I said what do you mean? he said things suck between us and we are sitting at separate tables. Oh well!!! He said a few other things but I was getting so pissed off b/c he was getting angry - it just reminds me of why I left...

Please pray I can get through this weekend. It's a long few days that I have to face him and deal with his verbal abuse towards me... If he starts on me, I'm gonna just walk away. ]]> KMic05 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/7771-rehearsal.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/7814-link-pics-if-you-wanna-take-peek.html Tue, 23 Sep 2008 18:28:08 GMT http://www3.fertilethoughts.com/forums/showthread.php?t=613548 http://www3.fertilethoughts.com/foru...d.php?t=613548 ]]> KMic05 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/7814-link-pics-if-you-wanna-take-peek.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/8835-saw-him-first-time-since-i-left.html Mon, 01 Sep 2008 17:54:09 GMT It's been 26 days since I left him.... Can you believe it? It's almost a month!

He had called me a few days ago wanting to come by my parents on Sunday to pick up the kids and take them out. I said sure. So, he pulled up to the lower part of the driveway (that way he could avoid seeing my parents). I helped him get the kids in the truck. I could feel him starring at me - not sure what was going through his mind but hopefully he thought "wow, look at what I lost". He did have one of those looks on his face, kind of a sad look. He handed me a card before he left. Then he drove down the driveway with the kids. He took them to breakfast, the park, to watch airplanes take off (there is a mini airport a few miles away, and then lunch. I went out with my Mom to Bed, Bath & Beyond and TXMaxx to get some things for our shore trip next weekend. He had dropped the kids off before i even got home. My Dad was here so he went to meet Andy to help get the kids out.

He gave me a birthday card with a $20 dunkin donuts gift card in and signed it "Hope you enjoy". I recongnized the card - it was a card he had in his truck for months - I saw it in there the one time I drove the truck to work one day and wondered why he had a birthday card (blank) with flowers on it. I assumed it was for his interent girlfriend Olivia. Maybe he decided not to mail it to her. Just shows me he's still an a$$. The least he could have done was buy me a new card for goodness sake :rolleyes:

Seeing him really didn't bring back any feelings. I acted so happy and I know I looked cute with what I was wearing...lol But the most important thing is we can be amicable for the twins. They love him and I know he loves them too. I hope we can keep it happy for them - it won't be easy at times but I'll do my part to make it right.

It'll be nice to get away for a week. I'm looking forward to the shore soooo much. The monday after I get back the kids start their new school right near my parents house so I think it'll be a good transition for them after a vacation. They are excited to start Pre-K. Of course Andy said No to the new school b/c it's not convienent for him - as usual he's being selfish. too bad buddy - it's a much better school and yes, closer to where I work and live so why would I keep them at a school that is over 20 min away.... that's just silly.

Everyone in the house is napping on this very lazy Labor Day. I'm about to do the same and rest my mind.....

Happy Labor Day! ]]> KMic05 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/8835-saw-him-first-time-since-i-left.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/9041-today-would-have-been-14-years.html Wed, 27 Aug 2008 14:21:19 GMT Today is our wedding anniversary. It would have been 14 years - I mean technically it IS our 14th since we are still married but it's 3 weeks today I left him.

Honestly it doesn't bother me too much. He's ruined a lot of Anniversaries anyway just by being an a$$.

One of our mutual friends told me the other night that he told him he wanted to send me flowers :rolleyes: Is he that nuts? I pictured him putting on the card "Happy Anniversary you c.u.n.t." since that was his favorite word for me. (sorry to those that are offended by that word) - many women HATE that word! I do too.

So here's to being free and single again :clap: :cheers: :dancing:

And this is what I think of him :hammer: :cuss: :punch: :fuming: LOL LOL ]]> KMic05 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/9041-today-would-have-been-14-years.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/9149-invites-invites-invites.html Mon, 25 Aug 2008 17:53:50 GMT Wow, it is so nice that soooo many people care for me...LOL I mean, I know they did but people are really going out of their way to make sure that I am okay and making sure I get out to have some fun :) I am so not used to the attention either :smileyh:

Tonight I'm going to dinner with a very good "guy" friend. He wants to treat me to dinner for my bday since he has to work all this weekend. He's been there for me through a lot of this between my ex and I. He knows first hand how he treated me and even had a mini intervention with Andy at one point but obviously it did no good. My friend is getting married next month and his fiance is such a sweetheart too. I told her she is one lucky girl :) She can't go tonight with us but we wanted her to. She told us to go have fun and talk (she is also aware of my situation). She knows we are just good friends - he is like a girlfriend to me...lol I've even told him that!

Friday night I'm invited to go out for drinks & dancing. Part of me wants to go and part of me feels too old :rolleyes: I'll be 37 this Saturday..ugh! My parents said go have fun, everyone is saying go have fun so knowing me, I"ll wind up going out. Saturday my Mom has something planned but I don't know what ;) I can totally tell b/c of the way she is acting..lol The kids will have fun b/c I told them we'll have birthday cake and they can help me blow out the candles.

Ya know, this will be one birthday that won't be ruined! It's been years & years since I've had a decent birthday. All because of him. Last year I cried because he was in such a bad mood and yelling at me over something so stupid (can't remember what it was). He didn't get me anything or even birthday cards - nothing from the kids either. Oh well, that's in the past - time to look into the future b/c all birthdays and holidays won't be ruined anymore! yay!!!! ]]> KMic05 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/9149-invites-invites-invites.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/9309-so-much-think-about.html Thu, 21 Aug 2008 14:14:39 GMT I have so much to think about and do.

I am considering switching N&N into another daycare/school. I have an appt tomorrow morning with a better place that is closer to my parents. Since I plan to stay in this area I might as well switch. It's about $400 more a month because this area is pricier but it's also a much much better school then what they are currently in.

I am looking around for a townhouse. I know I have time to stay with my parents but I do need to think about it. There are so many nice places in this area and I want it to be just right for the kids and I. I am hoping within 6 months I can find a cute little place.

I work for my parents and have for the past 17 years. Now that I'll be on my own, I need to make more money. So yesterday my Dad said for me to look into getting my Associates Degree. He said if I can take a business or accounting course and learn more of the financial part of the business, then he could pay me more and let me be in charge. He does want to retire eventually and my brothers and I would take over so I guess I should learn what I can. Plus, it would be so good for my kids to see that Mommy went back to school and is doing this - not only for me but for them! So soon I'll have to look into going back to school or doing an online course.

The other thing I have to do is look for a place for vacation. My parents want to take the kids and I away for a week down the shore. They put me in charge of finding a place :rolleyes: My Dad is giving me his laptop so I can go online at night now at their house. I will start looking tonight. They want to go away the 2nd week in Sept.

N&N are in a wedding on Sept. 27th. my ex is the best man. I'm not in the wedding but I have to go and also take care of the kids during church. I have to go to the rehearsal b/c of the twins. Nicholas is the ring bearer and Noelle is the flower girl. I'm already dreading having to see Andy. But I'm a big girl and can hopefully handle it. I'm doing it for my friends who are getting married. I really don't want to stay for the reception but I feel obligated. They already separated Andy & I to different tables. UGH! All I know is I need a very cute dress and look as hott as possible...hahaha I wish he'd look at me and realize what he lost.

I'm going to see my counselor today. I'm so happy I found him. He's such a cool guy and I enjoy venting to him..lol That's what he's there for and to help guide me during all of this. He has told me for months to leave but I guess it had to be me to make that final decision. He did say to me once "Kari, when is the light bulb going to go off"? Well, it finally did and I think I did the best thing. The teachers at N&N's school said how good I look and how happy I seem and how happy the kids are! I just don't know why it took me sooooooooo long to get the courage to leave. Anyhoo, no looking back just looking into the future. ]]> KMic05 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/9309-so-much-think-about.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/9362-here-we-go.html Wed, 20 Aug 2008 13:10:44 GMT Today he will be served with the divorce papers. My stomach is all knotted up about everything. Yesterday my lawyer called and said she heard from his lawyer who is some high priced attorney. I'm sure he went to his Mom for help once they found out I got one of the top notch attorney's in our area. But she told me that he wants to buy me out. Which means I'd get a certain amt of money from the house and he can refinance into his name only. That's actually good so I can get my name off the mortgage and move on. My credit then can start being re-established. If we foreclose on the house, I wouldn't get any money out of it and my credit would be crap for about 7 yrs.

So, here we go. Negotiating back & forth. UGH! Am I up for all of this?? I sure hope so. ]]> KMic05 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/9362-here-we-go.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/9560-pffffft.html Fri, 15 Aug 2008 18:37:25 GMT I've been looking for a new place to live. I am not in any rush because I can stay at my parents for a while but it's fun to look. There are some great townhomes in the area and close to my parents house. It's also in a better school district then where I was before. Probably in about 3 months I'll be ready to get a place....until then I can dream about it :)

I went back to the house this morning. I had to drop him off some bills and the joint checking acct book. I knew he wouldn't be there so I went in. He completely bagged up all of my things and put them in trash bags in the kids room. I don't blame him really - why should he look at it while living there. On my side of the bed where I slept are blankets (small) that each of the kids had (they rarely used them) but he's been sleeping with them and they are perfectly laid out on my side of the bed. I know he misses them. He wasnt the best Dad and took all of us for granted. Now that we are gone and he's alone, I guess that is his way of holding on.

He's been going to the daycare everyday to see N&N. He goes around 3pm and stays for an hour. My Mom now picks them up by 4:30pm and he is already gone. Today the teacher told me that he will be coming by with his Mom to see the kids. I have no problem with either one of them seeing the kids anytime but I can't figure out why he won't make arrangements to see them outside of daycare. I have offered many times. My lawyer said to keep a journal of the times he sees them and also how many times I have offered him to come see them. That way he can't say I am trying to keep the kids from him.

He just called me at the office. He asked if I dropped off those bills. He also said how messed up the kids will be because of us splitting up. That they'll grow up without a father and be screwed up for life because of it. He says they won't be okay. ugh... I know he's just trying to bring me down and he's not gonna do it. No way no how. :nono: ]]> KMic05 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/9560-pffffft.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/9659-makes-me-happy.html Wed, 13 Aug 2008 19:31:31 GMT Well, of course besides the kids making me happy that is :) It makes me happy and feel so good that I have lost weight. I went to weight watchers today and lost another 2 pounds. I am so close to where I want to be. I am already at the WW goal weight of 123 but I would like to lose another 6 to... Well, of course besides the kids making me happy that is :) It makes me happy and feel so good that I have lost weight. I went to weight watchers today and lost another 2 pounds. I am so close to where I want to be. I am already at the WW goal weight of 123 but I would like to lose another 6 to 8 pounds. I'm only 5'0 tall and petite so 115 lbs would look just right for me. I carry the weight in my thighs, butt and stomach.

The cool thing living with my parents is they have an excercise room. They just got a new elipticle (sp?) machine. I can only do 8 minutes before it starts to hurt like the devil but my goal would be to work up to 15 minutes. It's an all over workout when using the machine. I also have my pilate dvd's and I want my Mom to do them with me since we are losing weight together.

I guess my next man will throughly enjoy my new body since my last one didn't give a crap. hahahaha Okay, I am so not ready for another man but hey it's nice to think about and it's nice to think that some man out there WILL appreciate ME! :) ]]> KMic05 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/9659-makes-me-happy.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/9759-i-left-him.html Mon, 11 Aug 2008 14:06:40 GMT I left him last Wednesday. I have not been on the computer since then to blog about everything. I saw my lawyer on Tuesday and she advised me with everything that he has said and done to get out ASAP. She said tomorrow morning (wed) when he is at work, grab everything you can think of and get... I left him last Wednesday. I have not been on the computer since then to blog about everything.

I saw my lawyer on Tuesday and she advised me with everything that he has said and done to get out ASAP. She said tomorrow morning (wed) when he is at work, grab everything you can think of and get out. I had my brother and a coworker help me with 2 trucks. I gathered most of the kids things and then bagged up my stuff in trash bags. I know I forgot things but oh well - they are just things and replaceable.

I am now living with my parents. We bought N&N beds and they LOVE them. The kids are fine. They havent even asked about Daddy much. I haven't explained anything yet to them - they think we are on vacation right now at Nana & Pop-Pop's house. I need things to settle down before I can say anything. I'm hoping he will want to sit down with me and explain it but he is very very enraged right now. He's pissed and angry.

I spoke with him Wed night. He was putting demands on me, yelling at me, blaming me for everything - and all of this I expected from him. I wound up hanging up on him. This is between him and I and not the kids. I told him he can see them whenever he wants. He demanded I come home and bring the kids. I was advised by my lawyer not to go back to the house. He wont come to my parents house ever so I offered to meet him at his Mom's house. He won't do that either. He also wants half of my money.... Nope not gonna happen. I have opened up my own account, changed my address (temp) to have my mail forwarded, I took him off my car insurance since he doesnt drive it anyway. I'm doing everything right and he can't control me anymore.

Today is my first day back to work. The kids are back to school. He stopped by the school Wed, Thurs and Fri and I had them at my parents house. There was a case of chicken pox going around so I kept them out until today. I am allowing him to go see them at school whenever he wants but he is not allowed to take them out of school. I had to write a letter to the Director stating my situation and what I want them to do in case he tries to take them. I know he's mad so who knows what he'll do right now. Until this blows over a bit, I need to make sure they are safe.

Please pray for us. I am now going to be going through a nasty divorce but I feel so FREE right now. I'll be happier then I have ever been. I am #1 and no one can take that from me!

Gotta get back to work. I'll blog more later if I have time. ]]> KMic05 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/9759-i-left-him.html http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/10182-i-think-its-time.html Wed, 30 Jul 2008 13:49:07 GMT Some of you who read my blog have known I've been having issues at home. I have been going to a therapist for a few months now. Things at home seem "okay" one day and horrible the next. My husband is the problem. He has become Jeckel and Hyde. He'll be so nice to me one day and a complete crazy person the next. I cannot take it anymore. It has to do with his attitude, anger, verbal abuse, no sex, no affection, negativity problems, plus we are in a very bad financial situation. He doesn't want to try any harder. I don't want to live like this anymore. I think I can make a better life for myself and the kids being away from him. He's not a provider and never will be. He has some serious issues that I cannot deal with or help him with. He has stopped taking his Paxil, doesn't want to see his therapist anymore and basically doesn't give a crap anymore about anything.

I have to make a decision of what I want to do, where I want to go, what I want to do with my life. If I leave, I lose the house but gain freedom and I can finally be happy again. I can't get him to leave, I've tried. My parents will take the kids and I in for a little while until I find a place to live. I know that they would help me financially until I got back on my feet again. He is the one who is bringing me down and has for many many years. I don't even make my own decisions b/c being afraid of what or how he'll react. I don't want to be afraid anymore.

His latest blow out episode is that we are not compatible anymore and he's realizing this after 20 years. He said I am not sexy, that I must have lost my sexiness when they took my placenta out when I gave birth, he hates my family and never wants to deal with them anymore, he claims he maintains the house (which is utterly ridiculous), he wants me to cook him a hot meal every night...blah blah. he went on & on the other night and I started to cry. He said "oh boy, here come the tears again". What does he expect? He talks down to me all the time, makes me feel worthless when it's him who is the loser.

So my therapist, my parents, my friends all feel I should get out of the house. But this is a huge major decision that I have to make. One that needs to come from my heart and know it's the right one to make. I am scared to death of changing things, moving on, raising the kids all on my own. He doubts me that I could ever live on my own. He said I'll never make it. That comment makes me want to prove to him that I can do it.....

I'll blog more later. I have to get back to work. Please pray for me and the kids to do the best thing for us... We'll need it :pray ]]> KMic05 http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/blogs/kmic05/10182-i-think-its-time.html