I just don't know. One minute I am determined. The next my heart just aches..I feel empty....a failure...selfish....

We talked (he talked, i sobbed) about the next few steps. He talked about all the good coming out of this. That we both were miserable. I just kept saying yeah and sobbing. He's right. But........why does it rip my heart out?

I feel like I have no energy at all, for anything. I just dragged myself into a hot shower. I feel better.

I just wish I could get out of this feeling. I have done nothing all weekend, and I SHOULD be doing things. I have a list of things I want to start getting accomplished. Cleaning out my bedroom, the garage....etc etc. Maybe if it had been nicer out I would have done something.

I feel so badly that my attention seems so diverted from dd. I've pretty much become...

First day of clomid today. I'm feeling pretty good about this. Being monitored may make a world of difference altho it sure is going to cost a lot more. I was at the RE yesterday for a baseline u/s and no lie, from the time i dropped my pants to pulling them up again, it was a total of three minutes, and 156 bucks later! **** I want to get paid like that!

I go back on the 14th for a follie check. Hopefully i have nice one (or two!) growing and will get to trigger for...

First test of the quarter in about twenty minutes. I dont know why i always get a huge wave of anxiety. I hate that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I suppose its because it is THAT important. Plus with the grading scale that it is (someone's brilliant idea of making a passing grade an 80% =P ) it just adds to the stress and anxiety.

Im also a nutcase about this ovulating thing. Dh left this morning, we did get to bms and im still having aching pain in my ovary ( i say ovary because...

*sigh* cd 17 and opk still neg this morning. Why wouldnt it work this time. Ive always ovulated on 150mg of clomid. I had my met upped for over a year, i lost 40+ pounds, why why why

Obviously im upset. Dh leaves out on the road tomorrow, so bms will be out until next weekend. Ill o before then, if i do at all. And if this doesnt work, we are done. Insurance doesnt cover anything. We dont have the $$$ for injectables. I could just go cry somewhere. Why wont my stupid ovaries work!!!!...

Looks like O is getting close. *sigh* Dh left this morning and of course will be gone to atleast wednesday or thursday. We had bms last night. Timing is looking like its going to suck. TTC was frustrating before, but dang.....trying to do it while he is gone most of the week driving is a nightmare.


Well, i officially hate Answer brand OPKs. Took a clear blue easy, which is usually the brand i use and got this


The only good thing is that maybe this...

Seriously. Sundays are the worst. Im so tired by the end of the day. With dh heading out on the road on mondays there is a LOT of things to get done. The most tiresome is making his meals for the road. My back is killing me! But its all done and Haley is in the bath. Hopefully she'll get into bed a little earlier tonight. I just want to lay down and watch some tv. Best part about sunday is watching Extreme Makeover: home edition.....

~swoon~ I could be so inlove with ty pennington....

So excited today! Bought our very first new car!! Its a 2005 Dodge Caravan, midnight pearl blue! Its especially nice since our old car died in November. We've been bumming vehicles from my parents and my grandma has been letting me drive her car to school! Its definitely a step in the right direction.

Last day of clomid. Wont miss the hot flashes but hope this is the month!

Storm rolling in, guess i better get stuff turned off and close the windows!

Today was the first day of my psych rotation. Wow. Just wow. Children (as young as five) and patients with alzhiemer's. It struck me just how lucky I am. I can moan and cry about things. My IF problems, financial issues of the past, current LITTLE things going on my life. But these people, THESE people have REAL problems. I looked into the eyes of teenagers and saw...nothing. Lost, empty, angry children. Life has forsaken them. Their parents, some of them, had also forsaken them. Set adrift in this...

I started a blog on opendiary.com some time ago, but feel that here is more appropriate since i think i will eternally belong here, either through the parenting boards or the ttc boards. I would have started one earlier but just now figured out how to! Hopefully ill have some exciting things to put in here over the next few months.

Today is CD5 and just downed my second day of clomid pills. How nice would it be to just sit back and let things happen. I'm ready to...