JAG&JIV

My HPT is ++ and has been for a few days now. I am in a bit of shock/denial/mixed feelings. Not mixed about wanting another, but mixed about going through it again. I finally told DH this morning. He kind of laughed, we hugged, my eyes were a bit sweaty, and he got in the shower. That is about the level of excitement that we have at this stage. We were cautiously optimistic in September with the last one. This time, we are just cautious. I will go for my betas on Saturday when we get back into town. I am just going to go day by day. I am certainly not telling IRL friends & family for another two months.

In many ways, I am as fertile as they come. Six pregnancies, almost all natural, in 4 1/2 years. Can't get better than that. I had problems with getting pg with DD but after that, it only took us one to two months with the other five. I was wondering what was worse, not being able to get pregnant, or having the excitement of finding out that you are pregnant only to lose them and have your hopes crushed. In reality, I don't think one is easier than the other. They are both just heartbreaking and just awful to experience.

I think only those who have had recurrent pg loss can really relate to the mixed feelings. All the excitement that you feel when you find out that you are pregnant is totally taken away from you. Rather than jumping for joy at the news, I took a deep breath and went on with my day. It has been 9 weeks since my last loss so the reality of what can happen is still fresh.

On the other side, we knew we wanted one last shot so decided to just go for it and take things day by day. My RE said to go for it, too. I know the excitement will come when I pass the 14 week mark (the time of my first loss) so for now, we will just and take the next two months day by day. I am of course happy. I just can't get excited and share this news until we get more secure with the pregnancy.

This is my sixth and final pregnancy no matter the outcome and I am at ease with this decision. No matter what happens, I have decided that at the end of this pregnancy, I will get my tubes tied and move on with my life, with our life as a happy family.

I have asked others to hold off on the congratulations part and to just say a prayer for our family. We can use all the prayers we can get~