New to This
by, 06-10-2012 at 01:39 PM (350 Views)
I have never opening expressed my thoughts and feelings on infertility before. In fact, I have never blogged before. I happened across this site by accident. Reading the other blogs have given me new understanding and a desire to write what is on my mind and heart.
As my profile says, I realize I am young for what I have been through in the last 5 years. My husband and I got married young, wanting more than anything to be young parents. After a year of marriage, we decided to give it the "Ol' College Try," but didn't realize what was wrong with the absence of my cycle. After testing with the GYN, they sent me to an infertility specialist. The next years were plagued with weight loss, depression, Clomid, FSH injections, HcG injections. I was not lucky enough to have an insurance that had a fertility benefit. We went through all our savings and never became pregnant.
I was at a complete loss. I didn't know which way was up or down. My life for the previous 3 years was surrounded by transvaginal ultrasounds, blood work, and carefully timed intercourse with the one goal in mind- a baby. Out of the blue, my co-worker came to me with a lady's name and email address. She told me that this lady was currently pregnant with her 3rd child, had weight issues, PCOS, and other health problems. She said that the lady encouraged me to contact her. I thought, "What the heck can I lose?" So I emailed her. Next thing I knew, 30 minutes later, I had the lady in my office at work telling me of her struggle. She recommended that I see the Nutritionist she saw who provides whole food supplements. I remember thinking that I was a bunch of voodoo, weird crap... but the proof was right in front of me, as this lady was very pregnant with her 3rd child. I had to struggle with my medical mind and what my heart was telling me.
I saw the Nutritionist. She provided me with multiple whole food supplements. After taking the one for ovarian health for two months, I found myself pregnant! It was so amazing. I wasn't particularly sick and loved all the new experiences---even almost throwing up in the middle of a restaurant at the sight and smell of my husband's shrimp. At approximately 11 weeks, I had a gut feeling to ask my mother, who is a nurse, to bring a dopplar home to see if we could hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. We couldn't. I admitted to my husband on the way home that I didn't feel pregnant any longer. The next morning, while my husband was at work, I had dark vaginal bleeding. We ended up in the ER to find out that my baby measured at 8 weeks 6 days, instead of 11 weeks, and no longer had a heartbeat. This was in February of this year.
I mourn the loss of my baby more than anybody, even my husband knows. I am the type of person who keeps things bottled up. I was raised that you don't let people see you cry or vulnerable. This is a huge step for me. I decided I needed some sort of an outlet to vent... to cope. It took me 4 and a half years to get pregnant. A day does not go by that I don't think about my baby hundreds of times. In my heart, I felt that it was a boy. I will always think of him as my son.