eli

but don't know where to write this as it doesn't seem to belong on any board... or perhaps I'm not comfortable writing it anywhere.

I want to talk about having another child. I think about it just about every day. I can't even think where to begin in getting my thoughts out. I thought about posting on the secondary IF board but part of the reason I don't is that I don't have the time to get to know yet another group and give everyone the support I would be asking for... I have thought about writing it here, many times, but don't really want it bumped up to the top, where many will feel like they should read... My blog seems trivial compared to what else is going on... mostly... I just want to write this as maybe it will help me to "talk" about it...

I wish we lived near family. I wish we had a bigger house/more money, more help, and that I could stay home with the kids... I wish lots of things! I wish for another baby (most of the time)... but also, I'm scared! I am content with the two I have..... yet, I have this biological desire to go for a 3rd. I think DH is on board, though not eagerly so at all. But still, he would not really fight me on it. I don't know if I can handle it though. Is it fair to Ella? To Karl? to a 3rd? I have to work full time. We need my benefits and we need the extra $$ too. We have NO family anywhere nearby. It's really hard, yet, I wouldn't want to not have my babies! I just want a little help. I don't even get much help from DH. He has a new job and has worked 7 days per week 8-11 hours per day since April! He took one day off and we hung out as a family. So, mostly, it's me, the kids, and my full time job. I leave with the kids every day and return with them every night. I do dinner, baths, and then sometimes get a little help with putting Ella to bed. DH does get home in time to do that (most days). Hey, I'm not complaining about him, it's his job and it's a good job and we needed him to get a good job. Actually, this job is just April thru Sept and the rest of the year will be more normal... yet, more normal for him is traveling every few weekends and then going away for a week in the fall and spring. Sooo.... again, it's always me. This sounds like such a complaint, it's really not... it's just that I wish so many things... yet, one of those things is for another child... but, I don't know....

OK.. the other thing is that I'm scared about is going into treatment! What if we try and can't? I used to not mind about multiples and now the thought freaks me out. I am not sure I can handle a 3rd, so I know I can't handle a 4th! Karl had a twin for a brief time.... so it's not out of the question! My eggs and embryos are not very good and I've transferred 4,4, and 8! Now, I am scared to transfer two! But if I don't, then my chances won't be as good that one will stick. And another thing.... I am still nursing Karl! I love, love, love nursing and I don't want to stop anytime soon... yet, I just turned 34 and have had bad eggs since my 1st IVF at 29. They can't be getting any better! I feel like I won't want to stop nursing anytime soon.. .unless, I were to have another.... but if I don't have another, and wean early, will I forever be sad about that???

I went to my annual GYN visit 3 days ago and asked about Clomid. I have only done IUIs and IVFs but thought maybe I'd try some lower tx for awhile. The Peri said I could not take it while nursing. She looked it up to be sure. My tubes were never totally blocked but were scarred up badly. I guess a miracle is not completely out of the question... yet, I'm nursing and haven't had AF since April of 2003. Even in the end of nursing my dd, when I was only nursing at night, I never got AF. I just don't seem to get AF at all while I nurse. It came back 5 weeks after I weaned. Soooo, I can't even really try naturally.... though, I guess technically we are, since we use no protection... it really would be a miracle!

And then I wonder.... if I can be content with two, would it not be best I just stop? IF I have to go for the high tech treatment, I really only have 2 tries. I have 4 frozen embies in one straw from my 1st IVF- these would be Ella's peers! And then I have one try left which would be covered by insurance. I can't go into debt for #3, which I HAPPILY did with #1.... but now we don't have all that extra $ to put into IF. And the pain of TTC is not overwhelming like it was with #1, or even #2.......

The multiples thought really scares me! I think this is why I am even more focused on a natural miracle!

I wish I could have my biological urges removed. All common sense points to the fact that I should stop at two. Yet, I wonder if I will always be longing for #3? I really think with 3, I will feel done. Three will feel right. But, I hate to also take away from what I can give my two, being that I am on my own SO much of the time. I can handle two. It is hard, but I CAN do it, even with no family and without much helpfrom DH... EVEN with my full time job. We/I am making it work and no one seems to be suffering. Can I do this with three or is that absurd?

Ok, I must stop and go do something productive now. Wow- this is a long rambling mess..... I know the typos are out of control too!