Been a crappy 3 days

The one bright note is that I am through with my radiation treatment. I got a certificate from the techs saying I'd graduated with honors since I always had a big smile on my face and was so happy.

Mon night, Willie our 13 y/o outside cat came up to the porch and I realized he was far too thin. It was obvious he hadn't been washing either. Tues, dh took him to the vet and Willie was given a steriod shot and wormed with the advice, "well, he is an old cat". Hmmmm, 95% of my cats live to 16 or 17, so I'm not so sure 13 is acceptable for that much decline without any bloodwork to rule out stuff. On Weds, I hadn't seen any clear improvement so made an appt for testing Thurs at the 'real' clinic. Meanwhile, AF hit with a vengance and I was EXHAUSTED to the point of tears.

Weds, the weather was incredibly oppressive and I took the kids to the babysitter so I could catch up on phone calls, emails, research, etc. I was still feeling crappy and took a 1 hour nap. DH took care of the kids after he got home, so I went to bed early. Not liking the fact that I'm so darned tired...

Thurs, it was still incredibly hot, When it was time to load Willie, I couldn't find him. DH and I looked for 1/2 hour, with no luck. I finally said "punt" and took the kids to the 'fish' park. Tried to find the farmer's market but was unable to. Starting to feel incredibly frustrated that all the plans didn't work out. Got to the park and it was 95 degrees in the shade. We watched the geese for a while, played a bit, and went to the porta-potty like 20 times. Finally climbed back into the van and went home. Kids didn't nap, but no one was fussy (except mom).

Willie met us at the front door and got locked in the bathroom for his efforts. I made another appt at the vet's on Friday. Lauren asked if Willie was going to die and I said the doctor would try to help him (by this point, he hadn't eaten or had much to drink since Monday...not looking good). Kids played in the pool and I started to decompress a bit. I hate it when I am tired because my fuse is so short. I don't make good decisions and then yell at the kids when things don't go well. Then beat myself up for yelling. Completely unproductive cycle. At least today, I wasn't yelling much, just feeling bone weary. Another early night for us.

Friday dawns and my head is running like a sieve. It's like my head is a bucket and someone has just turned on the tap. I think this explains why I feel like a train has run over me. I (gratefully) take the kids to the sitter and head off to the vet hospital with Willie. On the way, I stop at the farmers market (which I can find today) and buy all kinds of local, organic produce. I am really working hard to try and get more fruits and veggies in my diet. It has actually paid off...I've lost 10 pounds since May and my clothes are fitting better. I also feel like I am DOING something in this fight since my radiation treatment is over.

I am beginning to worry that maybe my neuro oncologist might be too conservative. I'm reading about several complementary therapies that work well with my chemo. My NO hasn't mentioned anything besides the standard treatment, then wait. I need to be a bit more proactive than that. I want to know what my plan is when the MRI comes back, good or bad. Again though, every time I research stuff, I keep running up against the stats. And they are horrific. I understand that stats only measure populations, not individuals, but when a long term survivor is someone who is alive 3 years after diagnosis, it is pretty ****ed grim. I have decided to add several supplements that show promise and will be hiring a nutritionist to do a work up on me. From my reading, I am beginning to understand some of the other treatments that are out there so I will start wading into clinical trial info soon. I want to have some very specific questions for my NO. But somedays it is hard to remain optimistic.

I get Willie to the clinic and they take blood and tell me about 2 hours for results. I take the opportunity to grab a healthy lunch (why is that so darned hard to find?), get a walk and fill out some medical forms. On the walk I stop at a yard sale and get a cute video for the kids. I've read that excercise actually helps chemo exhaustion and that seems to be the case today. Either that or the 400 kleenex that I've used actually have drained the sinus pressure. After the test results are back, I meet with the vet. I know we're in trouble when he goes over every good test result. Then he gets to the bad one. Serious anemia. Probably caused by cancer somewhere in the GI tract, but no obvious tumors so it is probably diffuse and inoperable. So I'm standing there, petting my very emaciated 13 year old cat with cancer making the decision to put him to sleep. How incredibly crappy. I am so not emotionally ready for this. At least I had kleenex in my pocket because of my head cold. He took Willie into the back while I stood there fighting back tears. Then I had a horrible thought. All my kids knew was that Willie was sick and that he was at the doctor's office. There was no way I could just have him put to sleep, then tell them that he was too sick for the doctor to help so he never came back. Esp. since the chances are that I'll be doing that route in the next few years. I didn't want them to be petrified each time I go to the doctor that they won't see me again. So I went racing to the back and told him to hold up. That my kids needed to say goodbye first and that I'd have my vet put him to sleep later. He very kindly hydrated him and Willie and I came home. On the way home, I called my vet to set an appt and found out that his back went out on Thurs and he can't get out of bed. So now i am on the hunt for a vet to put him to sleep that works after noon on Saturday. That should be easy. Worst come to worst, I will ask the clinic to take him as an emergency visit and have them put him down. I just can't imagine making Willie suffer until Mon or Tues when it is more 'convenient'. Crappy, crappy, crappy.

At least the weather is gorgeous and my kids are happy to be outside. This AM, while Lauren slept in, I sat with Ryan and Catie in my lap and we hugged and kissed while watching the video I picked up y'day. Delightful British film about a man who finds an otter in a pet store and ends up buying him and moving to the Scottish coast. Gorgeous scenery even if the plot was a bit thin. Kids were enthralled. It is nice to have them as a balance to my negative emotions. It is easier to put on a happy face for them because they don't know exactly what is going on. Hugs and kisses are so incredibly easy to share and they provide so much emotional balm.