Blue

Today Griffin and I had a play date with a 3rd cousin of mine. Our children are 2 weeks apart which is kewl because we can share helpful hints and tips and help each other through the same stages.

This cousin also has an older child who was born still, I'll call him E. He passed during birth from several different complication later found out through autopsy. She was 2 weeks overdue with him and gave birth at home. We hadn't talked much about it previous to now as we truly did not even talk at all before havnig our children so close together. So it is just now that I am hearing more details about her loss.

Today during our visit she asked me if I wanted to view E's photo album. I was so honored. She explained that she would totally understand if I did not want to see it but she wanted to offer. I looked so intently at this album ... her beautiful perfect little boy. Such a perfect face ... perfect everything. A time that all the adults in the pictures should be smiling and sharing in the joy of a new baby ... but instead everyone's eyes are swollen, red, blood shot and obviously full of pain. My heart sank ... my eyes welled up ... and I just wanted to scream WHY??

I wanted to share with her that I too have a child that I will never see grow up. I too have a baby that no one will be able to celebrate birthdays with or give advice to or laugh with. Although we did not lose our babies in the same context ... I felt her loss in my heart next to mine! I wanted to share some of this with her however something always stops me. Very few people in my life know or understand my loss ... and to be honest I think they have all "Gotten over it or forgot". A scar that is forever ingrained can never be forgotten ... once a mother always a mother just in different ways!

Is it fair for me to compare our losses? I feel selfish! Our losses are different and under completely different circumstances but for me the hurt is some what the same. Please do not get me wrong ... no loss is bigger or greater then the other and that's not what I mean by comparison. I mean it in the way that we both had losses ... not which one was "worse" ... if there is a "worse". IT IS ALL WORSE!!!

When we were speaking of baby E she explained that had she gave birth to him and he lived she would not have baby J now. So she thanks E everyday for blessing them with baby J as she knows that this was his purpose. what an amazing outlook ... but I am sure it does not take away the hurt.