Blue

man oh man oh man

Ok so ... I think today it hit me that I will be returning to work on Monday and having to leave my child with somewhat of a stranger. I am a mess!!!!

I went to the mall to continue to shop for back to work clothes while Griffin was at daycare. As I am walking around the mall the walls begin to close in on me, I am getting hot, sweating and am having trouble breathing. I can barely swallow, my eyes are watering but I am not crying ... and I start to gasp for breaths. I cannot leave fast enough but I am confused and mixed up and panicked. I feel stuck and alone and just awful.

I finally make my way outside get in my car and fall to pieces. I am still gasping for breath like a child would after crying for hours. I can't talk, I can't focus I am shaking and feel like I am going throw up. I call DP at work and she isn't there or isn't answering her phone ... I call and call and call and NOTHING. I leave her a msg the best that I can inbetween gasping for breath.

I now realize that I am having a panic attack. Been there done that, so I am trying to calm myself down and rationalize through it or at least so I can breathe better. Get myself somewhat stable but on the very edge of falling off again and realize that I just need to go home.

I am realizing more and more that this world isn't a loving world ... and I see the hatred all the time and I work with it, I lived in it and I cannot do one single thing to protect my child from it.

I feel so helpless!