bgs

Back from my mental health break lol... I had to give myself a little while to process all of my problems. I steered clear of fertility websites. And made myself not google "what are the odds of getting pregnant with high fsh." And for the most part I've been satisfied knowing that I am currently on the path of getting my body in the best shape I possibly can. Since my fiancé and I won't be trying for children until after our wedding next year I know I have time.

My mom's been reading a lot of health books and sharing her information with me. She fully believes that what we eat effects our body. She keeps telling me that the reason I can't get pregnant is because my body wouldn't be able to support a baby. The odd thing is--I think she's right. All the research she's done has been so interesting and it has really helped me change my eating habits.

I think the most convincing piece of evidence that my American diet is so bad for me was something I saw on the news the other day: in 2012, 1 in 7 women will have fertility issues, by 2020, 1 in 3 women will have fertility issues. Seriously?!? 1 in 3!!! And nutrition is to blame--at least I think so.

In either case--I've started eating healthier. Low carb--gluten free to be exact. And i feel absolutely amazing! Plus I've started biking to work 3 days a week--feels so good. My mom told me to start adding in homemade bone broth, raw cows milk and organic organ meats. There is so much research that says all of that is essential to optimal health Here's hoping it helps me!

Anyway--the reason I'm here today blogging my thoughts has to do with what happened on Tuesday. A day like any other. An event that naturally occurs in people's lives often--it just took me by surprise.

My little brother came over (he's almost 24) with his girlfriend. I was having a bad day and super crabby with my puppy and about to walk out the door to leave work and go home to relax. He tells me the reason he came over was to tell me "he's going to be a father" I reacted quite well if i do say so myself. I gave them both hugs and said I was so happy for them. I asked them when she's due and if they talked about names. I told her to let me know about a baby shower because i want to help. And the whole time I was thanking God that it was sunny out and I had my sun glasses on because my eyes were already red and rimmed with tears.

Don't get me wrong--I am very happy for them. I do hope it helps my brother be a little bit more responsible in terms of actually going to work and not frivolously spending money on video games. All I could think was --this is it, I'm really never going to be able to have kids. It's so easy for everyone else. How in the world did this happen? What did I do that was so wrong?

I know I shouldn't think such negative thoughts. I'm trying to keep a more positive outlook--one of the hardest challenges lol. But I remember being a child and talking about "when I have kids I'm going to do these crafts with them" and going to bookstores and buying children's books to read to my future kids. My whole childhood I was talking about kids and being a mom where as my 4 other siblings didn't really mention it. Except my sister who said that she wanted to only adopt because there were too many people in the world as it is--she currently has two beautiful little girls (1 & 4). Yes, I'm jealous of her too lol...

I feel bad for the fiancé. He kept trying to make me smile. Told me to just be happy for my brother. I am very happy for him. But I'm also really jealous. I cried. And unfortunately I had a couple drinks.

Pity party for one please. Yes I threw myself a pity party.

I woke up yesterday--feeling hungover. Stupid me. And went to work, still feeling sorry for myself. I worked up the courage to call my sister and talk to her about donating eggs. My dr, mom, dad and older brother all said "I don't see why you could't use your sister's eggs if you can't produce your own" So i finally decided to ask--pressing the fact that if she didn't feel comfortable she didn't have to and that it would only be a last resort. I don't think it's going to happen. My brother in law has major issues with the fiancé. My personal feelings is that it's jealousy. Apparently he thought my sister would have to be a surrogate and told my sister "there is no way i'm having HIS seed inside of you" Oh well.

Again--I am praying that my plan to get healthy will improve my chances. I did a little research in terms of cost of IVF with my own eggs vs donor eggs. And then contacted an adoption agency called Bethany Christian Services. Have to keep my options open.

Whatever happens and whatever child comes our way I know we will love it like we've never loved anything else in our lives. It will be OUR child regardless of dna.
Who knows what God's plan is. I can only pray that it involves children of our own. I mean I'm an awesome auntie, but I want children of my own to raise, read to, do crafts with, take on hikes, teach how to ride a bike, teach how to swim... ahhh...

Keeping the faith in God. Praying!