bgs

I'm new to all of this, so I figure I should start at the beginning.

In September 2011 I went to see an endocrinologist in the hopes of learning why my body was so resistant to losing weight. She did a wide scope of blood tests, including FSH. About two weeks later I received a phone call from the nurse saying that all my blood test came back perfectly normal and that I should follow up with my PCP. Thankfully I asked if she could fax me the results--I was curious to see where my numbers were. At first glance everything did seem normal. Until I came to FSH--I didn't even know what FSH was. But there it was staring me in the face 61.8! How is THAT normal?!?! I was only 26 and my doctor was telling me that having an FSH in the postmenopausal range was PERFECTLY NORMAL?!?!?? So I looked it up online.

My first response was anger What would have happened if I didn't ask to see the results? I wouldn't have found out until my fiancé and I started trying to have children. I called the doctors office--of course the doctor was out of the office. I was so upset and angry! Obviously she didn't take the time to actually look through my numbers and now I wouldn't be able to speak to her for a week. At this point I felt really hopeless. I'm sitting at work and reading that the possibility of having children is slim to none. I went into the bathroom, sank to the floor and just sobbed

I spoke to my mom--hoping for words of wisdom or what I should do next. She simply said It would be fine. She had 5 perfectly healthy children and that all of her children would be (read should be) able to have children easily. I mean it was so easy for her. I cried some more. She couldn't understand why I was so upset. Didn't she just tell me I would be able to have kids?

So I spoke to my fiancé next. Telling him was really hard. Part of our plan was to have at least 3 children and here I was about to tell him that our hopes of having children might be dashed. He just told me it would be okay, that we had each other and that I shouldn't worry--we would have children. That there were so many options and we would figure something out. I cried some more Here he was being nice and calm about it and all I could think about was that I might never be able to feel our baby move inside me.

Next I called my OB--Kris! Ahh Kris! She was there to talk to me. She was so upbeat and positive. Don't worry you're only 26. I'll be able to get you pregnant when you are ready. She gave me a script to get my FSH tested again. This time it came back at 31.4. Still really high, but much lower than the first time.

By November 2011 my OB decided to put me on clomid and see what happened. I was able to produce a really great looking follicle in my right ovary. She was shocked. Told me she didn't expect me to be able to do so well. Only problem--she kept asking me questions about my "husband" and asking if I was taking my temperature. I felt a little lost--she knew I wasn't married yet, but I didn't want to correct her. I mean I needed her help! My fiancé and I didn't care if we got pregnant before we got married and it's not like I'm getting any younger. So we tried. Despite being able to produce a follicle we were unable to get pregnant in November. I was sad, but not hopeless (mostly because Kris was so optimistic that I felt maybe she was right and my numbers were wrong... if only ) So December rolls around. I take Clomid (among a couple other things) no success. According to Kris--nothing was really happening in my left ovary. Now I'm starting to get a little worried, but I tell her I want to wait a couple months. I want to try and lose a little weight and get myself as healthy as I possibly can.

Fast forward to March 2012. I get a nutritionist to help me lose weight and get healthy--I want to be in tip top shape once I do get pregnant. The nutritionist, Maria, wants to see my blood work, so I dig it out and email it to her. At this point I start to look over my numbers again and get flooded with the same worry that came over me in September. Should I really be waiting until i lose weight? What if now is my only chance to get pregnant?

So again I called Kris. I wanted to know if waiting until 2013 would be fatal to our chances to have children--since our wedding is May 2013 and I still wanted to get myself in great shape for pregnancy. This time speaking to her was not the greatest experience.

She told me she's always honest with her patients and she would be a little blunt with me. My last FSH test in February came back at 43.1 and that the chances of me having children with my own eggs was very small. But I should still have hope. She said "If you don't have hope--Whats the point of getting out of bed in the morning?" I tried to repeat that to myself over and over. I was quite composed while I was on the phone with her. She said that we shouldn't jump to conclusions and that I should take the AMH blood test before we start thinking about what to do next. She went on to tell me that I would be able to carry a child in me with a donor egg--if it came to that. And that my blood would flow through the baby and it would still be part of me.

I got off the phone with her and started researching IVF, donor eggs... Anything and everything pertaining to fertility, especially the costs. Now I was scared I wouldn't be able to have children because we didn't have enough money. Ugh!

I spoke with my mom again. I told her that no doctor will give someone with high FSH more than 5% chance of being able to get pregnant with their own eggs. Of course tears are rolling down my face as I tell her this and it seems to click in her. She hugged me and told me it would be okay She proceeded to get on her laptop and start looking up information. Every hour or two I would have an email from her with a link on fertility and things I should be doing. I was happy to feel like she finally understood how I was feeling.

I still have no clue what I should be doing honestly. I'm waiting for a call back from one of the nurses about my AMH number. I am praying for good numbers!

I will say this--I am thankful for my amazing fiancé and my mom. They are really the only reason I have been able to keep my head above water with all of this.


9/15/11: FSH--61.8
9/29/11: FSH--31.4
2/7/12: FSH--43.1