Another April of Anguish in Anne's Absence
by, 04-05-2008 at 03:24 AM (198 Views)
Ya know, with the exta money that I put down for my membership here, you'd think I'd show up more often. I mean to. It's just that my life has become an organizational mess.
It's 3:05am--a typical late night at the computer. And yet I never seem to get anywhere with my projects. I've got my FLICKR album to update. I've not posted to blogger in weeks, and I've got a zillion emails that still need tending. You'd think that I was an online powerhouse, except I'm too frazzled in my head to be a powerhouse at anything. Even the Tivo is backed up for lack of time. Where all the time goes, I do not know.
Today I focused on getting the taxes done. I'm still not done done, but I did get a big part of the number crunching finished. I've been so preoccupied with Anne the last many days that I can't concentrate on anything. I've got several books waiting on me, and yet the one I'm reading I can't concentrate on well enough to get finished. I've got flowers to tend and sewing to do, and yet my brain can't figure out where its going. Planning a meal often feels like I'm trying to cater a major event, and in reality all I'm trying to do is make some simple chicken for the two of us. I'm not kidding when I say, I've lost my mind. Reminds me of Peter Pan's buddy who was always looking for his lost marbles.
And yet that's often the nature of a grieving mind. It's three weeks until my rainbow baby turns three. Well, she would have turned three if she had lived. My husband has been a prickly ball of fury. He's so angry that he's not her daddy right now. She would have been such a daddy's girl. He doesn't mean to take his frustrations out on me. I'm just an easy target. I wish I could help him better. I kid you not when I say, my soul hurts!
I was going to say that I've wept so much in recent weeks. But truth be told, I've cried nearly every day since Abigail died. There are some days I don't end up weeping, but I'd say I average a good five times a week that I'm in tears somewhere along the line. That's a lot of weeping since 2003. I wonder if they've done any studies on tear production and records for who cried most &/or longest. I bet I'd be in the top ten.
Anyway, I'd not been here since Christmas and I missed Valentine's and Easter entirely. I figured it was about time to stop in and let myself vent off some steam. I just miss her sweetness so very much, and another birthday doesn't help that situation very much.
And good grief the pregnancies and babies that are everywhere! Even a man is having a baby--my kids are dead, but there's a man having a baby. The world has gone even more stark raving insane than I am!