Where are you, Jersey Girl?

[LAMom]

Hiya,

I'm just checking in on you......

How did the appt go with your doc? And, how are you feeling about things?

You've been on my mind.......! I'm rooting you on from way down here in South Louisiana!!!!

Hang in there, girl!!!!

LAMom

[JerseyGirl16]

******PG and negative feelings mentioned below********

Hi LAMom,
Thanks for checking on me and for caring so much. I am doing about the same. I went to the doctor, told them how I felt, etc. To be honest, it really wasn't much help. They can't really do much about how I feel. All they could do was do a beta HCG and an u/s. The beta (at that point) was 510, and the u/s showed thickening (5w-ish, so too early for anything else, they said). They repeated the beta 4 days later and it was 2400, so apparently normal. They also did another u/s a week later (6w-ish) which showed a gestational sac, but she couldn't see a yolk sac yet. They did a beta that day (last Friday) and haven't called me with the results, and I haven't called them.

I am going back this Thursday (the 31st), which should be about 7w, or close to it. At that point, I am told they probably should be able to see a heartbeat.

I have no reason to believe that this pg is not progressing normally, except for the fact that I have this intense feeling of dread and depression/anxiety. I think that's the only reason they are continuing all the u/s and betas. I feel so disconnected from the pregnancy and negative and sad. It has crossed my mind that this pg is not really going to progress the way it should and that is why I have felt this way - maybe premonition. I have no other way to explain why something that I had wanted for a long time, is now making me feel miserable, panicked, and regretful.

I've generally been avoiding this site, so as not to spread any of my poison to anyone else - particularly those who would love to be in my position and are not. I wish not to offend anyone at all, and am sensitive to the fact that my complete honesty about the way I feel right now may hurt someone else.

Anyway, that is my sob story for today. For now, I am concentrating on just getting up everyday, taking a breath, and moving forward - one moment at a time. Thanks so much for taking the time to be concerned about me - I am not sure I deserve such consideration.

Love to you and anyone else reading this.

[BC-Maura]

Oh, JG .... Of course you deserve consideration .... {{{HUGS}}} Do not feel bad about your feelings. Pg after infertility is so complicated emotionally. What you feel is not poison. I urge you to keep talking about how you're feeling. Keeping it inside will not be healthy for you. Does your dh know you feel this way? Are you talking about it with him? It doesn't matter who you talk about it with -- just talk.

Thinking of you and wishing you a lifting of anxiety and dread. We're here. If you want to PM, you can always do that too.

+++++++++
Maura

[LAMom]

Jersey Girl:

I'm sorry that I haven't re-posted in the past few days, I was out of action entirely with a nasty summer cold. It knocked me off of my feet! I didn't even feel like getting online.......or, even sitting upright to log on! Now, THAT's bad, wouldn't you say?

But, now that I'm reading your latest post, my heart is breaking for you as you still feel so overwhelmed by it all. This really is such a time for joy----and I hate that yours is being diluted because of confusion and anxiety. Maybe you are "guarded" about things more than expecting a negative outcome? It seems natural that, after such a long time ttc, you could still be expecting there to be a "catch", a "negative result", though....you're just not quite allowing yourself to believe it is real and really positive.

How are things these past few days? Did you go in for the projected heartbeat ultrasound today? Did it change your outlook....? Sometimes those events just have a way of hitting us "full-force"....and, that can go either way, too, I guess.

I agree with all that Maura has said. (And, you can "take what Maura says to the bank!" She is so wise about things!!! ) It seems to me like you have handled this all so honestly, from the very beginning, at least with us on this board. It seems healthy to me that you are recognizing when it doesn't feel right and you've been trying to address it. I wish I could say that your dr.'s office should have helped you more.....but, I've heard so many others say that they feel that the "mechanics" of fertility/infertility are barely addressed sufficiently, let alone that the dr. or nurse takes any time or effort to genuinely ask HOW we are doing (emotionally) with all that is going on. I remember being so surprised when my dr. "glossed over" much of my m/c last May, with little compassion or interest in how I was dealing with it all. I guess we just expect too much from our OB/gyns.

But, I still feel that you can "turn a corner" just as suddenly as it brought you down. Maybe it will take some time, in stages, as you accept or work through the big picture. But, maybe, it will disappear entirely as your body adjusts to the hormones/moods too. You're probably thinking to yourself "no way" or "I WISH" it was that simple.

All I can say is that I do remember issues seeming SO MUCH BIGGER in the early stages of pregnancy than they really were. When I was first pregnant with my first child, and I didn't even know it yet, I went into a meeting with my boss for my annual job performance evaluation. Well, it's a good thing that he was a kind-hearted soul and a wonderful, insightful manager because most supervisors probably wouldn't have put up with the ranting and raving that I let loose during that meeting! I was so emotional and I was overly insulted that I "only" received excellent ratings in everyday tasks that I'd been handling for years.....when I felt that I actually deserved the highest rating of "superior" instead! I look back on that time in my life and I really cringe. I remember griping and complaining to him about things that had no bearing on anything. He just smiled, nodded and reassured me. (which infuriated me even more!). Two weeks later, upon finding out that I was pregnant, I remember him smiling and nodding in that same way, while expressing his congratulations. How could he have known? Thank Goodness he did.......it was a good job and I'm sure glad that I didn't blow it all right then!!!

I hope that you can see where I'm trying to go with this. And, I also hope that you don't think I'm making light of any of your feelings. I just remember how MAGNIFIED everything was for me, especially at the beginning of pregnancy. As I got closer to the second trimester, it seemed that things "leveled off".....maybe the hormones/emotions stabilized.....or my mind had a better "grip" on things......I don't know what it was....but, maybe that same magnified view is taking your initial uncertainties, or guardedness, and growing them into insurmountable obstacles. I could see how it could happen.

You deserve PLENTY of consideration.......you deserve whatever we can help you with here......and so much more. I hope that you do have a place that you can "vent"....with your family or friends. But, if you don't.....just keep posting it here......we'll get through it and figure it out with you!!! You have "paid your dues" in lots of ways! You've been tested through so much......and you're a survivor!!! And, JG, when things are better (and they will be better!!!), it will be that much sweeter for all of us....we can celebrate it with you!!!!! Okay?

Keep on a-going, (as my gram used to always say).......and taking it one step at a time, like you're doing...........

You'll see.......it's working out, even this minute, while we can't yet see it!!!

Let me know how the u/s went okay???

I'm sending you tons of good vibes.......and you're in my prayers

((((((( a few more hugs ))))))))
LAMom

P.S.) IT'S FRIDAY!!!!

[JerseyGirl16]

LAMom - Thanks so much for your beautiful words. I do understand what you mean about things being magnified. And, I am following your advice of just taking one thing at a time. I am working on getting through each day and just seeing how it goes.

I went to the office for the u/s yesterday. They still only saw a sac, although it was larger than before. However, they couldn't really see anything in it. At 7 weeks, they expect to see much more. They did another beta on me (which I should get the results of today).

In the interest of my sanity, they sent me to a radiology center for a stat u/s on their equipment, which is apparently somewhat more advanced. The nurse practitioner even told them I was having some cramping and spotting (which wasn't true) just to get it through on the same day. She winked at me and I remember feeling a little bit of relief that I didn't have to fight about it, and felt like she understood.

So, I went for the u/s - throughout which they said nothing, and the screen was not in a place for me to see it. Then they had me get dressed and go to the waiting room while they "checked to see if the films were ok." After about 20 minutes, the girl came out and said that the films were of good quality and that the doctor had dictated the report and it had been sent to my doctor's office, and I should wait for them to call me. So I left.

On my way back to work, my OB office called on my cell phone. They said that the results of the u/s were "inconclusive." They said that there was an irregularly shaped sac, and I think she said that there was either a yolk sac or fetal pole in there, but not heart beat. They said that it could either be a m/c or it could be that the pregnancy is not dated correctly.

I don't really know how it could be dated too incorrectly. I know I ovulated on cd15 of the cycle. Plus, I got an immediate positive at 14-15 dpo. My logic here (am I wrong?) is that if I had implanted very late - causing the dates to be off now - 14-15dpo would have been too early to get a positive HPT.

I don't know. They told me they would call me this morning with the bloodwork results, and that would help indicate what is going on. My last beta was a week ago (Friday the 25th) and was 6900. So, I am not sure what they would expect to see today (if you go by every 2 day doubling, it would be expected to be in the 50,000 range, I am guessing), but she just said they would look for a "nice rise." I felt like screaming at them -
"well, 8000 might look like a nice rise, but it wouldn't be!!!" But then I remembered how kind they had been to get me a real u/s on the same day and everything, so I just shut up.

It's 7:40 my time now - I am getting ready to leave for work and wait for my cell phone to ring. She told me the earliest the labs would come in would be 8:30, so I am expecting to hear from them sometime before lunchtime at the latest.

I know this sounds odd to say, but my emotional state has been somewhat better over the past 18 hours or so. I am buying more into the notion that this pg has some issues, and my reaction to it might have been something to do with that - not that I am psychic or anything, but that I am having a physical response to something my body knew.

OR - everything could be fine. Who the heck knows. At this point, I am just going to go to work and try to divert myself for awhile and see what happens.

Thanks so much for your support and for reading through this diatribe. I hope you feel better - summer colds are the absolute worst. Talk soon.

[JerseyGirl16]

The OB office called with the beta. 14,000. So, it basically only doubled over almost a week. They said that was a bad sign. Also, she said that at a HCG level of 14,000, you would expect to see a fetal heart beat. So if you ignored the doubling issue, you would still expect more at that time. So, she told me the pregnancy is not going to continue and that I could wait it out or have a D&E. I felt oddly calm - I have been so emotionally distraught this entire time, I just sort of thought..."ok."

I told her I would elect to do the D&E because at this point I need to move on. I am just overwhelmed and tired of worrying. So she told me they would get it scheduled.

Well, as it turns out, the doctor (I had been working through the NP) won't do the D&E unless I have ANOTHER ultrasound that is more conclusive. So, now I have to wait until next Wednesday for the u/s, even though the NP said there is no hope.

So - at this point, the plan is to do the u/s on Wed, and assuming the results don't differ, the D&E on Friday. I hope I can make it until then.

The whole thing has just made complex emotions even more complex. I feel like I should be more sad, and then feel guilty that I don't feel that sad. I feel numb - kind of like my body can't take any more emotion.

[LAMom]

JG:

I am so sorry to hear your news. When you described the events of the u/s and the irregular shaped sac and then the inability for them to find the h/b, it did sound vaguely familiar to me. Alot like how my m/c was diagnosed last year.....but, you also do hear of stories where things 'turn around'......maybe those are longshots, I don't know. Sometimes, the u/s doesn't look good, but the beta ends up looking promising, etc. In my case, the beta had gone up too....but just barely, and I wasn't even in the thousands.....

Maybe you were more intuitive than any of us could've imagined. Intuition is an amazing thing. Maybe you really did have a "feeling" that things weren't 'right'. And, even though it has made you feel terrible this entire time, and that you're dealing with all the guilty feelings on top of that, maybe it was your own built-in protection--that kept you from investing too much of yourself in this pregnancy and this baby. It MAY have been that much harder on you if you'd really allowed yourself to accept it 100% and celebrate. I don't know. I'm just throwing out thoughts here. It probably doesn't matter, one way or the other, it's still going to be hard......no matter how I "psyco-babble" it.......you are still going to feel the pain of this loss. And, I'm so sorry for that pain and for the loss.

I'm glad that you are able to have the d&e, though......even if it does mean you've got to wait it out through another u/s. It will give you some closure and an "end" to the current rollercoaster of emotions. I decided to go through the m/c without the d&e/d&c....and it was a little tougher on me than I imagined, physically & emotionally. I wished I had chosen the other route.

You're in my prayers, friend......you've been through so much already and this week will not be easy for you. But, God will carry you through..........and you will feel peace over this, eventually. You're probably right......about the numbness right now. Your body probably CAN'T take any more emotion....you've had so much already. It must be almost like you're on "autopilot'......just working through the motions.

Physically, how are you feeling? I hope that the weekend is okay.

We're all here for you..........Post anytime.

More hugs.....and prayers for you,
LAMom

[lmohall]

Jersey Girl~

Just wanted to tell you, even though you don't me...I'm thinking about you.

[JerseyGirl16]

LAMom - Thanks as always for getting me through the dark times. I am hoping to find some peace with things in the next few days to weeks. In the meantime, I am blessed to have diversion in caring for the constant needs of my 2 older sons. I will post an update after the dreaded u/s. I don't want to go through another one, although it seems a small thing.

lmohall - thanks so much for popping in to lend your support. I appreciate your thoughts.

Will update Wed night, but if anyone needs me in the meantime, you can email me at homesick16@hotmail.com.

[JerseyGirl16]

Hi,
I had the u/s yesterday and they also did another beta on Monday. The beta showed that my HCG had risen, but not enough. It was 20,000 - the beta 5 days prior had been 15,000.

The ultrasound showed that the sac had increased in size, but not a normal amount for a week's growth. There was a yolk sac, but no cardiac activity. My OB said that they expect to see a fetal heart beat once the beta HCG reaches 10,000 - so, with me being at 20K and still not heart beat (and being 8weeks), she called and said that the pregnancy would not continue. She said that if my sanity needed to wait and do another u/s, she could allow it, but that it wouldn't change anything.

She isn't really willing to allow me to wait it out and pass it naturally because I have a history of retained placenta from my delivery, which resulted in an additional hospitalization and 3 transfusions. So, she feels that it is safer for me to have a D&E in a controlled environment where she can be certain that everything is removed.

I explained that I have felt that this pregnancy was doomed from the start (call it intuition or whatever you want), I don't want to wait another week for something that she has already told me logically will not change. So, the D&E will be tomorrow. I am nervous about it, but honestly just want to get this whole thing over with and move on to more emotionally stable ground.

I certainly don't mean to sound cold... just numb. I am going to ask her to prescribe some birth control for me so that I can get back on stable footing and think things through. I can't imagine going through this again right now. I know I can always change my mind later, but after the past month or so, I want to relax and re-examine things and enjoy the beauty of life with my just-turned-6 year old twins and DH.

Thanks so much for your support and love throughout this time. I owe a debt of gratitude to all of the women here - those who answer questions and offer support, and also those who silently read and support each other through thoughts and prayers.