Help with guilt (liv child mt)

[colemanglover]

This is my 2nd marriage and I have a 15 year old ds from my 1st marriage. My DH has no children and desperately wants one. We have been trying for the last three years and have finally come to the place where we realize I can't have any more. I have lupus and in the last three years I have had every procedure for infertility there is. I almost died in January, 07 and we now realize I can't do it. I feel so helpless and so bad for my DH. He loves kids and since January our relationship has gotten really bad. He is miserable and sad all the time. He doesn't want to adopt and he can't imagine a life without a child of his own. We are so distant and now we are talking about seperating because it is just so hard for him to accept. When we married I had no idea I would not be able to give him a child. Now I feel like I have to let him go because he wants to experience fatherhood so bad and it has taken a tremendous toll on both of us. If anyone could please give me some advice I would appreciate it.

[clar]

I am not quite sure I have enough wisdom to say the right words for your situation. In my situation I was able to tell dh before marriage that I might not be able to have children due to my medical problems and family history. What I can speak on is alternative treatments. Maybe some form of alternative treatments such as acupuncture and/or Chinese medicine in general will help the Lupus and therefore make it possible for you to conceive. As I understand Lupus if you can boost your immune system you can be relieved of some of the symptoms. I do not have lupus but it runs in my family. My acupuncturist has done amazing things for my infertility and other patients with all types of immune disorders and other otherwise untreatable ailments such as fibromyalgia.
I am not sure where you are located but maybe there is still hope. I Sincerely hope that love can over come the emptiness that he feels and your guilt.
The eternal optimist Clar

[colemanglover]

I had no idea I would not be able to have a child. All my doctors before marriage said I would be ok. You are correct about the immune system and the doctors have tried to build it up but it hasn't worked. Thank you for replying so quickly. I have felt so alone with this issue. By the way I am in Maryland.

[clar]

Not sure I can help... but I know how to listen. The alternative medications can often help where traditional medicine cannot. It would be worth a try...if you go to the alternative treatment board there are some places in Maryland that people have used.
I hope more people will respond.

[BC-DKNY]

i am so sorry about your situation. i'm sure you are both hurting for your own reasons.

i understand that some ppl are not open to adoption, but have you considered or discussed the possibility of a surrogate? regardless of whether or not you use a traditional or gestational surrogate, the child would be his biologically.

i wish i had a fool proof solution for you.

have you been told that ypu can't have children? it took me 3 years to conceive my last child. i was a mere 4 mos from my personal cut off. i had decided that if i hadn't gotten pg by then, enough was enough.

can you give us a little info about what procedures you've had? have you gone the IUI or IVF route? do you have any issues with ovulation? do you test to see whn you're O'ing or temp? are you of AMA (advanced maternal age?) i know, sorry, that term is really ugly....

maybe we can help you along a little if you can give us some more info.

[JerseyGirl16]

Reading through your post, I was going to ask the same question as Dina - what about surrogacy your DH's sperm, and either your eggs or donor eggs? After everything you have been through, it may not be something you want to consider at this point.

In any case, I am so very sorry that you have to go through this at all. I truly hope that your marriage can overcome this challenge, but I am sure you are both hurting in the meantime.

None of us know what the future holds - when you married, you didn't know about these issues, nor would you have known if HE had fertility issues. I think we all just hope for the best, and then deal with what comes up.

I know that my husband and I went through some difficult times when ttc the first time. It was very stressful - we were lucky in that we were able to work through it.

My heart goes out to you for all you have on your shoulders right now.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} to you!

[colemanglover]

Thank you all so much for your support. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me. Well here's the story with my infertility. I am ovulating but my tubes are blocked. None of my doctors will clear me for the surgery to have my tubes unblocked. My blood count is constantly dropping. In January, 07 I had a transfusion so I would be able to have the surgery right away but my body rejected the transfusion and I almost died. We have met with doctors about surrogacy. My husband feels he should not have to pay to have a baby. He won't even discuss it with me. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am losing him because I can't give him a baby.

[JerseyGirl16]

Oh, sweetie... This sounds like a very difficult situation for you, and you definitely have been through the wringer. In terms of your DH's thought about not having to pay to have a baby... I understand his frustration...but life doesn't always hand us everything we want on a silver platter. He may just need more time to adjust to it - but ultimately, if it's something you both want, it's money well spent. I think this is a time when you need DH's love and support, instead of feeling guilty about what "you can't give him." For better or worse... I don't mean to sound harsh towards DH - I know it must be tough for him too - but, I think playing the blame game, and putting up obstacles about how you "shouldn't" have to pay for a baby is probably making you feel worse.

YOU are an important and valuable person - irrespective of your ability to conceive, or of the physical limitations of your health condition.

Again, I do not mean to criticize your DH - I just want you to know that your value as his wife isn't (or at least shouldn't be) completely tied to fertility.

{{{hugs}}} (Hoping I didn't offend.)

[colemanglover]

Thank you so much for your encouraging email. I could never be offended as this site has helped me realize I'm not alone and its not my fault. My DH told me last night that he wants to separate for a while and he left last night. Right now I am just numb. All I can do right now to keep my sanity is pray.

[JAS]

Hugs to you, I am so sorry. This is not your fault. I understand your husband being upset, but he married you for better or worse and this is one of those worse situations that you could have not predicted. He needs to adjust his dream and make it come true a different way. He seems stubborn to any solution. I don't think you should suffer any guilt. Let him have the space to work through it, and if he truly loves you he will come back with a new attitude. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep us posted. HUGS again, JAS