Hi...it's me......checking in

[LAMom]

Well, my "uneventful" weekend road trip turned somewhat eventful.....that is, I ended up with VERY heavy AF type flow while we were away. Sigh!
No cramping really at all......just bleeding......and, it's still with me!

I knew that it was a possibility....I was prepared and all.......it was just still kind of uncomfortable......and inconvenient......and, sad too.

But, the good thing is......maybe it will show all "clear" on the u/s tomorrow and I may not have to go thru with the d & c.

My body has really been playing so many tricks on me this past week. Even as the pregnancy is obviously over, I am still experiencing pg symtoms! I had two pretty strong bouts of nausea over the weekend. Can you believe it???

I am REALLY hoping to hear of a good strong DEcline in the beta/hcg tomorrow.......just for my own peace of mind and closure now. (Hopefully, there won't be any more increasing/plateau-ing numbers, now, at this stage of things). Maura, thanx for helping me understand how it takes awhile for the hcg to go down......I just hope it isn't still the case with me!

And, Dina, thanks for all the good progest. info.....I think it all applies to me too.....probably more now because I'm over 40.....even though it wasn't an issue before. Does anyone know if prog. deficiency can be case-specific? Would it be possible that this particular pregnancy was a problem, and that caused my low progest. reading? Does that make sense? It probably would be a good idea to get dr.'s approval to go ahead with supplements, next time around, as it probably couldn't hurt.......

Thanks again everybody!

I'll check in after I go for my appt tomorrow.

I'm ready to move on now......I'll never forget, of course, I'm just "worn out" from the ups and downs of it all!

LAMom

[BC-Maura]

Hi LAMom, I'm so sorry about the heavy flow. But, you're right, maybe it's your body taking care of things so you don't need a D&C. Hope that there's a silver lining to it and hope it didn't ruin your road trip.

To answer your question re progesterone, yes, it can be pg-specific. My understanding is that if the pg isn't a good one from the outset, the body doesn't gear up the progesterone production the way it might with another, more healthy pg. That said, in the future, I would probably request prog. supps just as a precaution, since it can't hurt and might really help!

Let us know how tomorrow goes and best of luck++++++++++++
Maura

[BC-DKNY]

hi lamom......ugh...i'm sorry about the heavy bleeding, but i agree, it might alleviate the need for the d & c.

and as maura said, yes, it can be specific to this pg. i've known women who've had low progest (where supplements were needed) with one og, and then had add'l pgs where there was no progest issues.

it just might be something that you want to speak to your doc about simply because it's a very age related issue.

let us know how you do at the u/s sound.

my thoughts will be with you.

[JerseyGirl16]

LAMom - so glad to hear from you. So sorry about the whole AF and heavy bleeding. It's definitely possible that it will eliminate the need for the D&C. I miscarried my first pregnancy and was basically scheduled for the D&C in a couple days, and had a similar episode. When I went back and was re-checked, I didn't need the D&C at all. It still totally sucked, and didn't make it any easier emotionally. But, at that moment it gave me one less thing to go through.

Either way, I hope your appt goes well.

Thinking of you!
Beth

[LAMom]

Well, the u/s tech could only see a small pocket of blood which still remained in the uterus......so, it looks like the bleeding should be over soon.

I didn't have an hcg draw today after all.....dr. will do one next Monday instead. What's one more week when a person is already crazy, right??

It looks like I won't need the d&c.....as my body took care of it "naturally".

You will all probably not BELIEVE this......as I know that I sound totally looney-tunes now......I just can't seem to "shake the feeling" that I'm still pregnant.

I'm delusional or in denial.....or mental? It's just a "hunch" kind of a thing. I swear! I'm just about disgusted with this roller coaster ride.....the actual one and my self-induced one as well.

Maybe I'm still holding out until my brain can process the declining hcg #???
Y'think?

After all, there was nothing on the u/s.....you'd THINK that would convince my crazy brain! My continuing nausea is really just making matters worse, too!

Thanks for everyone's support! Beth, Maura, Dina.......thank you all for your help and your answers. I know that you all know where I"m coming from!

<My normally "stoic" self is just a puddle of tears today.>

LAMom

[BC-Maura]

Oh, LAMom, {{{HUGS}}}! I'm so very sorry!

I do know just how you feel. With my molar, I continued to hold out hope even after my OB (not so gently) told me -- at about 6 wks -- that it was over. I asked what the harm was in waiting until 10 wks just to be sure. I felt that there were enough medical miracles out there that I didn't want to have an u/s while things were AT ALL ambiguous. So there I was, in this weird limbo, with an inconclusive u/s, feeling pg, but not at all sure that I was really pg. At 10 wks, I did o.k. a D&C because at that point I knew that the u/s should have shown a growing embryo with a h/b (and I was very sick from the high levels of HcG).

Your brain is not crazy and you are not delusional. You may well be holding out hope until your brain can process what's going on. I know that's what I did and there's nothing wrong with that. Just keep gathering information and talking to your doctor and your brain and emotions will be able to assimilate what is going on. You will get through this and you will be all right.

I wish that your doctor was taking bloodwork to monitor your beta, though! I think it would help you to get as much information as possible and waiting another week will be so hard.

We are here for you, sweetie. I'm so sorry this is happening.

{{{HUGS}}}

Maura

[BC-DKNY]

i'm so sorry for everything you've been going through.

we don't think you're crazy, it's natural human emotion to hold onto hope. without it we'd be nothing. there will come a point where your brain will "catch up" to your body. i think the depth of the desire is what keeps up holding onto anything.

your hcg levels are most likely not back down to zero, so your nausea is probably due to that. hopefully as it declines you'll feel better each day. that's not helping you at all right now.

keep us posted on how you're feeling and how your b/w goes next week. {{{hugs}}}

[JAS]

LAMom, just wanted to send you a to help dry your . Sometimes I think "how much can I cry over IF......will the tears ever stop?" For you, it is just a matter of time, it will happen again. I promise. HUGS, JAS

[JerseyGirl16]

Oh, LAMom - you poor thing. I am so sorry you have to go through this. It really isn't fair... I think you still hold out hope until your mind wraps around it and you can accept it. It's like being on a rollercoaster - even after you step off, your body tells you that you are still moving - you actually can feel the dizzying sensation. It takes a little time to acclimate. It is completely normal, particularly with all of the physical stuff going on.

In the meantime, try to be as good to yourself as possible. Sending big hugs your way.

Beth

[LAMom]

Wow! You ladies are all just awesome! Thank you all so much for helping me get through yesterday. (I hope that was the hardest day and now it can start to get easier!)

You know, I feel like I should’ve posted much of that on the Pregnancy loss board. I’ve been there a couple of times and the moderator is very sympathetic and supportive. But, there just isn’t the {{{{love}}}} that I feel on this board. Maybe it’s just because this is the only real place that I’ve posted, I don't know. But, thanks!!! You all really helped me much more than you realize!

Maura, you always know just how to say what I need to hear at the moment! You have a gift! I was relieved to hear of your own experience….that it was as hard for you to “let go” even when all of the facts were there to tell you it was the time. I kept making mine an issue of me not UNDERSTANDING all that was happening…..when really, I think that it was just a matter of not letting my heart process what my brain was already realizing.

Dina, I think that I’ve been holding onto hope more than even I realized. And, you’re right, that and faith are all we’ve got lots of times. I also think that I cried so much yesterday BECAUSE I was starting to let go of some of that hope……and it is starting to sink in finally. It does make it easier to know that you’ve all been there too, though.

Beth, I AM going to go easy on myself…..and be good to myself too! One of the things that I think is going to help me is that I’m going to call my dr. this a.m. for a beta check today. (Maura, I think that waiting til Monday is just going to be too hard!). ("co-pays be ****ed!" ) And, that way I can get myself off of the roller coaster a little bit sooner. And, then, I’m going to really “coast” on a lot of things the rest of the week and try to “splurge” whenever/however possible! Thanks for the {{{{hugs}}}}!

JAS, you are so kind to post such encouraging words. You know, with me, I hardly ever really let it go and have a good cry. It seems that yesterday, the whole cycle caught up with me……the entire month of May was about finding out the ++++, then losing it, then not knowing if I lost it, then bleeding, cramping, more bleeding….more bloodwork, more ultrasounds. It just all caught up with me on one day in May……yesterday! I cried, dried up and then cried again! It was quite an ordeal and it was compounded by the pregnancy hormones, too, I’m sure! But, do you know what the funny thing is? You said to me, “it will happen again”. I have the strongest feeling that it will. Before dh and I were even married, I had the strangest thing happen to me…..it was almost a “vision”. We were standing in church one Sunday (that part is real!) and I could almost “see” our future children standing a few pews up ahead of us. Three. And I could see so clearly what they looked like! (Don’t think I’m a nut-case or an extremist! I don’t have “visions” or psychic experiences……this was a one-time thing with me!). Well, all of these years later, we have our first two children and they have turned out as I “envisioned”. So, it makes me hold onto hope even more for #3 now……. Maybe that’s why I ve been in denial about this loss…..or maybe that’s why I’m so motivated now, at 43, to pull out all the “stops” and proceed with ttc’g. Or, maybe this loss WAS that #3 child that I saw in my daydream? Who knows? (Kind of “deep”, isn’t it?)

Anyway, ladies thanks a lot for all of your hugs and encouragement.

I’m climbing back up out of the self-pity pit today………! Sorry for the long post……! Once I start “venting”……

Love,
LAMom