I feel like such a failure

[bmwbrandi2005]

well here we go again.... af arrived saturday.... 3 or 4 days early.... and i was actually expecting it..... i am starting to think that i am never going to get pg again.... like i am just not meant to be a mommy..... like there is something wrong with me..... i feel like such a failure!!!! i obviously failed to keep my precious emily alive inside of me..... failure as a mommy to her....... now i cant even get pg...... i am so sick of everyone telling me how "fertile" you are after giving birth.... we have been ttc another child since 1 month after i gave birth to my angel.... that was six months ago, and NOTHING!!!! now my body is a failure.... i feel like i am losing my womanhood.... like my body is designed to bring life into this world, and i cant even do that right!!! what is wrong with me!!! i am so angry- so upset- so tired of trying..... my charts show that i'm ovulating.... so what is wrong with me. we had no trouble conceiving emily.... so why cant i get pg again???!!!!

[BC-Maura]

Oh Brandi: You are not a failure... nothing about your body is a failure... {{{HUGS}}} I know how you feel... I had no trouble getting pg the first time, had a m/c... got pg again quickly, had a molar pg... and then NOTHING. It was as if my body, having had those two losses, threw up its hands and said, enough of THAT. I was a complete mess. I started infertility testing (which all showed things were fine) and my doctor said that there was nothing more to do other than start down the meds road with Clomid. I refused because I knew I was ovulating because I was temping each month and I knew BMS was timed perfectly each month.

So, desperate, I tried acupuncture. I never thought that I would do acupuncture because I thought it was all hogwash. I went to someone recommended by my primary care physician (not my OB) who was experienced in treating women for IF. I noticed a change in my cycles and AF and my mood and outlook were much better. And it did seem to jump-start things because I got pg 3 months after starting the acupuncture.

I know that the past 6 months have been an eternity to you. But it's actually not that long in the fertility world, esp. after a loss so great as yours was. I know you are sick of people telling you you'll get pg again (I hated when people told me) and of course I can't know that you will, but I *believe* with all of my heart that you will.

I wish I could take away all of your pain and I'm sorry that all I can do is listen. But I'm here anytime. We all are.

{{{HUGS}}}++++++++++++++
Maura

[Cibele]

Dear Brandi , I am sorry af came, I so sorry you lost your baby, I am sorry it is taking time for you to get PG again.I can fell the hurt in your words and I totally relate to your pain. I just want to leave a hug for you from a fellow woman than feels that same sometimes...
Yesterday was the year anniversary that I lost my baby at 7 weeks of PG, I felt empty, incomplete...but than I had my faith and strength renewed by the only one that can do that: God. I hope that He can console your heart and show you that you are not a failure, you did not fail your baby, I am sure you would had given your own life to save her if you could.
You have all the right to feel like that just don't dwell in this place for to long... At least I try not to.. A place of hope is much better.
lots of love...

[ChrisNY]

Hugs. I am so sorry that AF reared her ugly head once again. Your body is not any more fertile right now and people are just plain stupid sometimes. They just don't get how bad you want your little girl in your arms and not in heaven. They don't understand that you are doing everything you can to make a baby and it just isn't working for you just yet. Your life has changed so much since you were trying for Emily. You are doing your very best and that is all you can do.

Hugs and Prayers that very soon you will feel better and realize you are a wonderful woman who very much deserves to be a wonderful mommy of a living angel.

C

[BC-DKNY]

oh brandi.....many {{{hugs}}}

you are not a failure. you are hurt and angry and you have every right to feel that way.

i'm sorry AF showed. it's so disappointing to see that witch show up each month.

don't give up! don't lose your faith. it will happen.

[JulieB2]

I'm so sorry Goodness please try not to feel like you are a failure. You carry way too much on your shoulders as it is. The loss of a child is more then any person should have to carry!!

I'm sorry AF showed!!! I hope with all my heart that she goes away soon and doesn't come back for a long (10 or so months) time!!

[Kallypso]

Brandi!
You can't blame yourself for what happened to Emily.
I know it's easier to say that than it is to believe that... but do know that we are here as a support group for you.

Please try to hang on and keep your faith in yourself and in this journey we're all on.
Again - easier to say than to believe - but I have faith that you are meant to be a mommy.

[sarahp]

brandi, honey, you are so not a failure! you are not a failure to emily, or to any future babies you WILL have. i am so sorry that you lost em, but you are a great mommy to her b/c you keep her memories close to your heart. a "failure" of a mom would be to just forget.....but you never, ever will, b/c you're a great mom! and you'll be a wonderful mom to a living child really soon.....i have to keep that faith for you!

vent here any time, sweetie.....i'm so sorry stupid AF showed up! **** fool that she is!

[Cassie R.]

[bmwbrandi2005]

thank you ladies..... thank you thank you......