Very BAD Day!!!

[chance4602]

Hi everyone. I just need to vent. Once again someone other than me has a new baby. This if is so unfair. My good friend who also has worked for me for the last 9 yrs. just had another baby girl last night. I want to be happy for her and i am but i also feel so envious too. I hate feeling this way. It is so hard to put on a happy face and go see another happy mom. I do not even want to go see them but i know i should. People do not understand. I am sorry to be such a downer we need some good news on this site. Hope everyone has a better day than me.

[sweet em]

First off - If you REALLY TRUELY can't stomach going to see her there are so many other options. Cards, flowers, having DH drop off a meal, just calling - I think for some people, just being able to stay away for the first few weeks makes it more bearable, new new borns are sort of hard for me but for some reason the older they get the better it becomes.

I know how you feel

"I want to be happy for her and i am but i also feel so envious too."

I told my very good friend when she was first pregnant that I am happy for her - after all the birth of a child is a GOOD thing. And I'm sure I feel the "normal" amount of happiness for her but it is buried under a huge mound of jealousy and envy that I truely can't get rid of so the happiness is completely hidden. (She is the type of friend I can say that to). This idea helps me realize that I'm not heartless I'm just - hum, overwhelmed (?) - and that my envy is as real and natural as the happiness "everybody else" feels. Plus it reminds me that the happiness IS there and if it ever manages to show through I should take advantage of those moments as much as possible.

I hope you can feel loved today and make it to a day that you feel better (hopefully tomorrow but if not we all really do understand!)

[BC-Maura]

Oh, yes, we really DO understand! {{{HUGS}}} I totally agree with everything sweet em has said, especially about not feeling like you have to go visit. I definitely wouldn't go. You need to take care of yourself at the moment and as long as you acknowledge the birth somehow, you needn't subject yourself to the anguish of being there. I stopped going to baby showers when I was at the darkest phase of my IF. The honorees always understood (and if they didn't, I wouldn't have cared much because I wouldn't have wanted to be friends with someone so clueless!).

I hope the intensity of this pain recedes soon and you feel better. {{{HUGS}}} and take care+++++++++
Maura

[BC-DKNY]

oh i'm so sorry for the way you're feeling chance. it's unfortunately a very bittersweet time for an IF sufferer. and believe it or not, it never goes away. my sis just gave birth 2 weeks ago, and although my family's complete, i still find myself having an internal struggle.

i hope the "novelty" of this passes as gently as possible. {{{hugs}}}

[AngelaM]

It is tough to celebrate someone else's pregnancy and birth when those things don't come easily or at all for us. Many still have a hard time even after they have a child on their own because infertility is a pain that just doesn't go away.

Know that you aren't alone. But, also know that you alone are in charge of your happiness. I made up my mind years ago that infertility had taken enough happiness from our life and I simply wasn't going to allow it anymore. I certainly get disappointed when I don't see a positive pregnancy test but I don't allow myself to get in the duldrums as I once did.

I hope things pick up for you and I agree....we need some good news around here soon.

[zizzie]

Hi there,

Yes I know that big stabbing pain everytime you hear someone else is pregnant. Today I just found out that one of my good friends is pregnant - i just felt numb and i just told god 'why everyone not me'. Don't go to see the baby if you do not feel up to it...i was in teh same situation a month ago when my neice was born. I eventually went round when I felt stronger - i don't know you but these feelings come in waves for me. There are times when i am well there are times (like today) when all i want to do is cry and cry. Do what your heart tells you to do.....sending you lots of

Zizzie

[Ireland]

I feel for everyone here. I too have struggled for 8 years with infertility before I had my beautiful, long awaited daughter, now I've been struggling for another 5 years to try and have a second. It was very hard to hear about pregnancy or see pregnancy during those 8 years and even now while I'm trying. But, also it was extremely difficult being a new Mom after 8 years of trying. Hormones go crazy, baby was colicky for 6 months, no sleep, no money, etc.
You never know what the other person is experiencing, most assume the new Mom is just soooo happy, when most of the time, they have PostPartum Depression to some degree. It's a complete change of life. Even when you so desperatly wanted a baby.
Look at Brooke Shields, and Kate Hudson and Marie Osmond to name just a few celebrities who suffered from PPD. Try and see beyond your own grief temporarily and see how they feel. This is a life changing moment. Remember, most put on a SOCIAL MASK because society says new Moms should glow, be happy, and in reality it's the most exhausting, stressful time of your whole life.
It really hurt me when after 8 years of trying to be happy for others getting pregnant, alot of others could barely muster up a smile and say Congratulations. Everyone deserves that, don't they?

[BC-Maura]

Hi Ireland: You're very right about new mothers not always being happy in the days following childbirth and I'm sorry both about your IF struggle and your post-partum depression. {{{HUGS}}}

Speaking for myself, I was always able to see past my own grief to understand another person's perspective. And I always acknowledged a pg or birth with a congratulations/gift/card (depending on the situation). But at the same time, I also had to protect myself and if it meant not physically being at the baby shower and having to clap and smile at each cute baby gift, that's what I had to do. And as Dina said, even though we ultimately succeeded and our family is complete, the pain from my IF struggle is so deep, that I still get pangs from certain pg-related events. I don't think it will ever go away!

So, to answer your question, yes, everyone does deserve a congratulations after a birth, but the people giving the congratulations need to do it in their own way, in the manner that is most comfortable for them (in my view!).

Take care+++++++++++
Maura

[chance4602]

Thank you all for your kind words. It really does help to hear from people that understand. I feel a little better tonight..I shopped my heart out with my best friend today who is so understanding and supportive, We spent lots of $$ and ate alot of really fattening foods!! Its just a bandaid but makes me feel better for awhile anyway. You all are great listeners so again THANK YOU!!! Chance

[Psalm113]

hi everyone. i have read some of these messages over the past week or so. i have learned things just by reading. i have found comfort in your messages as my dh and i continue to ttc. i, too, am on my 2nd cycle of clomid and began looking here for information. i just want to tell everyone how nice it has been to not feel alone in this battle. it seems like everyone around me is getting pg. it is only getting harder to handle, but i find peace here. i am hoping that by reading and replying to these that i will find a way to be at peace and try to live a normal life. i am hoping this will be an outlet me me. i don't know any of you, but i will be praying for all of you.