Help! Support needed!

[burtneysmom]

I've been doing fine, just great, dealing with the emotional business of IF for a few months now. Despite the recent births of two women at our church, I've been amazed at how happy I am for them. No feeling of resentment or heartache. I've been shocked, I am genuinely happy for them.

And then I went out and got the mail today. I've been invited to a baby shower. For a boy. We have been praying for a boy for almost 2 years. I thougt these feeling had gone away, but they all came back with the opening of that invitation. What do I do? I don't know if I can do this! I'm going to take a little while to think about it, and get used to the idea. Maybe I'll be okay. But I almost started bawling just reading the invitaion. I don't know if I can go and be surrounded by all the blue baby stuff, and hear everyone's baby stories. I just might lose it. If I can't go, do you think they would understand? It's not that I'm not happy for them, and I don't want them to think that I'm being a witch. Oh, I don't know. I guess if I can't do it, I can't.

Some support please?!?!

God Bless,
Shavon

[homeschoolmom]

I'm glad to hear you are doing good overall!
When I was ttc my dd 5+ years ago, it seemed liked a lot of my friends were pg and having babies. I was dealing with most of it okay, but had a really hard time with the showers! Honestly, I couldn't bring myself to go to their showers. I bought each of them gifts, but told them I was sorry I couldn't make it. A couple of them were really close friends and I was honest with them and they were very understanding! You need to do what is best for you! If you don't think you can emotionally make it through, it's okay to say no!
I wish you the best and hope your baby prayers are answered soon!


Michelle

[BC-DKNY]

shavon...{{{hugs}}} i know how difficult this is. it really stings when it comes to having to deal with babies in this kind of overwhelming capacity.

i would have to say that it depends on who this baby shower is for and how close you are to them. if this is not someone that you're very close with, then you could politely make your excuses and bow out gracefully. perhaps send a small gift. if it IS someone you're close to, then you might have to suck it up and go.

when i was TTC my ds, my sis's were pg, gave birth, and one was pg again, in the time i was TTC just one. it was very difficult for me to deal with them on a constant basis. i remember leaving there one night crying and angry. my sis kept complaining about being uncomfortable due to the baby moving around so much. she went on for about 15 minutes, at which time i very bitterly told her to "STOP, her firggin complaining, and be grateful she has a baby in there!" something any "normal" person would say to a pg lady? hell no! my IF battle talking. but i'll be the first to admit...i was getting very bitter. i wanted another baby so bad. i had zero tolerance for pg women, baby showers, or the like. BUT.....these were my sisters, and truthfully, having never dealt with IF themselves, i truly don't think they would've understood if i tried to protect myself by taking a step back. so that's what i meant by it depending on the person.

had it been a distant cousin, or someone in dh's family that i wasn't as close with, i definitely would've blown it off. i try to make my decisions after some careful thought. as you said...sit with it for a bit and see what you come up with. i also based my decisions on the other persons feelings. if i felt it was someone that wasn't going to have any comprehension of what i was going thru, or it was going to cause undue stress on the relationship, then i would just suck it up and go.

no one can really tell you what's right shavon. there are usually many variables. you seem like an intelligent and sensitive person. i'm sure given some time to ponder it, you'll figure out what will best suit you at this time.

{{{hugs}}}

[burtneysmom]

Thank you so much for the understanding and hugs. It's so nice to know I'm not alone in my feelings. This person is someone from our church, who's been trying desperately to get to know us. But because of schedule conflicts we can't ever seem to get together. And with her having no IF expierence, it might look really bad. I think it really would be good for our relationship if I can go. But if not, a good thing is that the person I have to RSVP to DID struggle with IF. And the people from our church are very understanding and compassionate. So if I can't, I'm sure the person I RSVP to will try to explain everything I'm going through and I will send a gift. So things aren't as bad as they seemed at first. And by then I should already be on Clomid and Met so I'll be on my way. So maybe it won't seem near as bad as the time gets closer.

But thanks again for the support. It's so great to have you guys here. Sometimes it feels like you're the only ones who really understand me!

God Bless,
Shavon

[momwannabe]

Shavon,
I know how you feel, too. A woman I work with cycled with me during my first IVF (same doc and same schedule) and she got pg and I did not. I was happy for her as she had been trying for 5+ years and I had just started, so it didn't bother me so much. When it came time for her shower at work, I had just miscarried my one and only the week before. A friend of mine bought the gift for both of us, so I didn't have to worry about that, but I still felt I was expected to show up at her shower that we were giving her at work. I psyched myself up, walked in the door, saw her there with all the gifts and happiness around, walked back out and into the ladies bathroom and had myself a good cry. You need to do what's comfortable for you, and it sounds like you have an ally in the woman you need to RSVP to.

Robin

[BC-DKNY]

{{{hugs}}} to you too robin. it takes a really thoughtful person to have even attempted putting yourself in that position so soon after your own loss.

[BC-Maura]

Oh, Shavon! {{{HUGS}}} You are DEFINITELY not alone in your feelings! My first reaction when I read your first post was, DON'T go! Here's how I see it. If the showeree is an acquaintance only and you don't know her that well, you can easily make up an excuse, send a gift and not go. If she is someone you are close to, then you could tell her what you told us... that you would love to be there to share her celebration, but that it would be devastating to you... you could give her a hug and a gift and she would almost certainly understand. And if she didn't? Then maybe she's not as good a friend as she should be and you shouldn't let her reaction matter. Of course, if she's a relative, then it gets a little trickier!

But I see from your second post that she's an acquaintance only. In that case, I go back to my first reaction... that you definitely shouldn't go. You mention that she's someone who you want to get to know. A baby shower where you're going to be struggling to keep your composure is probably not the best environment for growing a new relationship. So, if you can bow out gracefully, using the host as your intermediary, I would. Then you can work on getting to know her afterwards.

Of course, if you feel strong enough to go by the time the shower rolls around, you should go, but don't feel AT ALL bad if you don't want to.

{{{HUGS}}} This will all be behind you some day. I know it might not seem like it right now, but it will!

All the best+++++++++
Maura
p.s. As you can probably guessed, I stopped going to showers when I was in the middle of my IF battle (with no social repercussions, I might add).

[burtneysmom]

Thanks so much for the replies guys! I still don't know how I feel about it right now. But I also liked the suggestion of having a friend buy the present. I have two friends going, so if I bow out I'll probably use that idea.

I'm supposed to recieve af in the next 3 days, so I've got a lot of pressure on me right now. As you all know, when it comes down the last few days of the 2ww it's like you're holding your breath! Especially this morning, I prepared myself that my temp would be down - and then it went up! Don't know if that's a good sign or not. Temp went from 97.9 to 98.1. And I think I'm 11-12 dpo. I'll probably start, I'm just trying not to have any hope until the middle of next week. Just to be safe. But I am staying away from ANYTHING that could be bad for any "potential baby". Okay, I admit it! I'm hoping like heck that I'm preg!! The last time that my temp was this high, I firmly believe that I was preg but ended up in a miscarriage. According to all the symptoms of an early miscarriage, I matched all of them. But I never went to the doc for a blood test, and I have to be 5-6 wks along to get a positive hpt. So I'll never know. But my temps (excluding the cycle w/ possible misc.) are always 97.5 - 97.7. Some of you may remember questioning me about my thyroid. So for my temps to be 97.74 - 97.99 and then jump to 98.18, that's totally out of the norm!! But I just have to wait 3 more days before I get really hopeful. And I think I can do that. So here I go, 3 days wait!

God Bless,
Shavon

[stacy-ann]

Oh sweetie I have been in your shoes so many times and I have gracefully bowed out. They knew about my IF issues and understood. It is really difficult to go to these showers, for me anyway. I remember I went to one (was forced) after my 2nd m/c. I held out fro 20mins and left. All those baby stuff and rubbing of her belly, just couldn't handle it.

I like the idea of your friend taking the gift for you.

As for the temp rise that is wonderful. Hey as long as the witch isn't knocking at your door there is still HOPE hon'. You hang in there and I will be praying for a BFP in 3 days.

++++++++++++
Good luck

[BC-Maura]

Shavon: I hope the temp rise means something good... And as Stacy-ann said, as long as AF is away, that's always a good sign!

Best of luck and keep us posted+++++++
Maura