Aimee, for you hon'....

[stacy-ann]

I understand in a way where you are coming from with your dh. Although my dh wasn't resistance I learned I needed to communicate with him more and to kind of educate him about IF. I became angry and withdrawn as the years went by(luckly it was no more then 2.5 yrs with DS and 1.5yrs with DD). Although that was just too long for me.

Sharon N. Covington, MSW, LCSW-C is the Director of Psychological Support Services at Shady Grove Fertility Reproductive Science Center in Rockville, Maryland

She is the Assistant Clinical Professor, Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology Georgetown University School of Medicine, Washington, D.C

The following excerpts is from her book

Infertility can be a real test of a couple’s relationship and shake the foundation of a marriage. It can make a solid relationship stronger and weaken the core of a troubled one. Because infertility is a crisis, it is out of the realm of experience of most couples and thus challenges them to develop new strategies and coping mechanisms to deal with this life crisis.

Infertility can be like a “withdrawal,” draining intimacy from your marriage and depleting your emotional resources. It can cause you to neglect your relationship, focusing all energy on the baby quest. In effect, infertility can create a life of its own in a marriage, causing you to lose sight of what brought you together in the first place and what is necessary for a healthy family to grow in the future.



For a marriage to survive the crisis of infertility, couples have to learn to continue to make “deposits” and “tend the garden.” Understanding the ways in which the stress of infertility can strain a relationship, couples must make special efforts to put positive energy into a marriage during this time.

There are steps you can take to enhance your relationship so that it grows and thrives. The following are some suggestions to help you along the way:

Work as a team:
No matter who is identified as “the patient,” infertility is a couple problem. Always approach the issues as a team, working together and finding ways to share responsibility regarding treatment. Avoid finger-pointing as nobody ever wins the blame game.



Plan playtime:
Since dealing with infertility can feel like a full-time job, it is important to “take time off” by consciously make time for each other. Have regular dates where you can have fun and take a break from infertility. Vacations are also playtime, and having things to look forward that are under your control is positive. Look for ways to put nurturing energies in the relationship, making your partner a priority.



Separate baby-making from love-making:
Infertility often puts strain on a couple’s sexual relationship and what was once fun has now become a tedious job. You may want to designate different rooms in your house for your intimate work versus play. Remember the ways you enjoyed sex early in your relationship and find ways to recreate it. Plan romantic encounters at non-fertile times, such as a bubble bath together or giving a massage. Understand that sexual intimacy does not have to mean intercourse and use your imagination to plan recreational sex.



Build a support system:
Couples often have an unconscious expectation that their spouse will be able to take care of all their emotional needs. This is a daunting task during infertility and an impossibility for any relationship. Infertility can be an isolating experience and put undue pressure on a partner for providing all emotional support. Support from others can strengthen relationships, especially during times of stress. Encourage friendships for yourself, your spouse, and as a couple. Work towards balance in your support network by having friends both in and out of the infertility world.



Identify individual coping styles under stress:
Know your own and your partner's styles for dealing with stress. Learning how to accept differences in the way each of you handles and deals with your feelings can lessen conflicts. Like many things in life, men and women will feel and deal differently with infertility. However, different doesn't mean better or worse; it only means not the same.



Allow breathing room in your relationship:
Realize that marriages are fluid and in a constant state of change due to the many external and internal factors in your life, including infertility. During times of stress, try to give each other some space and distance to allow for transition. Understand that couples are seldom at the same place, at the same time, when at treatment crossroads.


Communicate the positives:
Often we neglect to communicate our positive feelings to our partner, and all he or she may hear are negatives. Changes in behavior come more from positive reinforcement than from negative. Also, infertility may consume your life and engulf all your conversations. It may be necessary to put limits on the time you talk about infertility to designated periods, such as 20 minutes in the evening, so that it does not overtake all your communication.


Keep a sense of humor:
No matter how tough things get, being able to find something humorous about the situation helps to relieve the tension. Laughing together is good for the health of your relationship.



Seek help before problems get too big: Infertility can put terrible strains on relationships and couples need to consider counseling as a resource of support and information to deal with problems. If you find that you are at an impasse or your usual coping strategies aren't working in the relationship, counseling may help. Don't wait until things get critical.

I hope I am not overstepping my boundries here but I just wanted to help a bit.



http://www.shadygrovefertility.com

Take care and +++++++++++++

[aimee02]

Thanks! That was very helpful. I did make an appt today. We go Monday morning. We will have to get up extra early cause the place we have to go is two hours away. I e-mailed dh and told him and told him I would tell him the details tonight at home. He hasn't e-mailed me back yet. I think he may gripe some but will go. I hope...
Aimee

[burtneysmom]

Aimee, I know this was for you. But it really helped me out too. Dh and I have been having a lot of problems lately that just keep recurring. And I think some of it may be IF. Dh tends to get really angry when there's a problem that's out of his control. And I just want to shut down. I stop thinking about it, want to sleep alot, and ignore it, and rationalize things out so that I convince myself that this is the way I want it. Needless to say, we're both hard on eachother when it comes to our "coping" capabilities. I found this info very helpful, thank you stacy-ann for posting it!

God Bless,
Shavon

[stacy-ann]

Hi Shavon & Burtneysmom I am happy this was helpful to you both. When I was in TTC for the 1st time it was so bad dh was the one that suggested counseling. and it really helped.

hang in there ok.