Pregnant sister, bff and SIL. HELP!

[MegWants2BMommy]

My DH and I have been ttc a little over a year now & I find each day to be harder than the one before it. My best friend has a 17 month old that I love more than the world, and they announced recently that they are having baby #2. We planned on being pregnant together for her second pregnancy, but it just didn't happen for me. Shortly after she announced to everyone that she was having her second, my sister became pregnant. Not only am I worried sick for my sister who is a teenager, but I find myself straying away from her. She is entirely to unstable, yet she gets pregnant instead of me. After finding out that she was pregnant, she continued to smoke and do other things that are frowned upon while pregnant and it felt like a big slap in the face to me. I would kill to be in her shoes and she just continues to take advantage of it. The further she has progressed in her pregnancy, the more serious she becomes. To top all of these overwhelming feelings off, my SIL just announced that she is 11 weeks pregnant by someone she has been dating for less than six months. My heart is broken. None of my husbands family knows of our fertility issues so when we see him all I hear is about his sisters pregnancy, or how we need to have a child. It is so frustrating, I would like to tell everyone about the things that are going on just so they will leave me alone but I do not want to be pitied. I have just entered my 2WW and I am praying that this will be my month. With all of the upcoming baby showers and ultrasounds I don't know how I will survive... no one understands what I am going through and I don't know how to deal anymore. I have told my husband that it is okay to leave; I know how badly he wants a family and knowing that I might not be able to give it to him kills me. He has stayed by my side through everything and I am forever grateful, he really is my rock. Does this ever become easier?

[kitkat30]

Hello Meg,

I can say with the up most confidence that it doesn't get any better. I know this because Dh and I are coming up on 9 years of ttc. I to have gone through a very similar situation. My DH's neice got pregnant at 16 (and her first time having sex too!!), and a year before that my BFF gave birth to her 3rd, which during her pregnancy I was so excited, I even threw the shower. But there in the hospital the day she gave birth, I saw her DH and family's reactions and the joy they all had, it just did SOMETHING to me and that's when it went down hill for me. So when DH's niece got pregnant I tried politley to explain that I couldn't be around her or the baby once it was born. This did not go over very well at all!! My advice on sharing your troubles with your family would be to take caution. People who are not going thru what we go thru just don't understand and have a really hard time grasping the toll it takes on us. I don't think they pity us (at least I've never felt that way) but rather they try to be so positive about everything that it becomes irritating, to constantly here how "it'll happen one day", or better yet they think they know it all and give you advice which you have no doubt already looked up. But anyway, I thought I was doing the right thing by explaining my feelings so that she new I wasn't casting her out or anything like that, that it was ME and not her. So now I'm the "bad guy" because I don't want anything to do with her child. And then to add insult to injury, she got pregnant again a year and half after having her first child. I wish I could have said it's gonna get better but that's just not my experience. Especially when you have so many pregnancies around you. every time I turn around someone I know is pregnant. I really feel your pain with what your going thru, the ladies on here are a fantastic and have strong shoulders to cry on when we need them. Just know that your not alone out there! I hope your 2ww gives you the miracle you deserve.

[kitkat30]

I also wanted to say too that I understand the feeling of telling your husband to leave you but before you get to drastic please consider that your fairly new to TTC (and it's not to say you shouldn't feel the way you do). I feel sometimes like I want to leave my husband because of this (our issue is male factor) but I've stuck it out so far. But I'd like to maybe offer some advice to you too, like first of all, don't sit around and wait for it to happen. I don't know if your working with a fertility center or using meds or anything, but if your not set yourself up with a plan, start a savings fund for IUI or IVF consider moving on to adoption after a certian date, if your comfortable with it. Again I don't know what your situation is but I know from mine that sitting around and waiting for things to happen or to win the lottery to afford IVF isn't gonna happen, at least not fast enough. I didn't mean to sound all gloom and doom with my previous post, I've just had a really ruff past 3 years dealing with our options, all of wich at this point in our lives are impossible to attain.
Things CAN be managable though if you and your DH can communicate about how you feel, try to keep an open line of communication with him, and if you can't deal with the pregnancies around you, consider distancing your self from them until you feel you can cope better with the situation. But no matter what pregnancy will continue to pop up through your journey and until you now how you can or will deal with it things are going to be gloomy. I feel like I'm coming off totally cinical right now but I guess I just don't want anyone to make the mistakes I did by waiting around and not taking better action. Personally I'm now in a position that we can't move forward and missed the opportunities when we could have done IVF. So I guess now I am a bit cinical but I just want you to know that if you put a goal together or a plan of action now your odds of feeling "back to normal" will be so much better.

[wannabamom614]

hi meg,
it never never gets any easier, only more difficult. every time i did an iui or an ivf some friend or family member got pregnant. I just had a failed FET and sure enough we r at my husbands nephews birthday and boom we find out his cousin is pregnant. It hurts so much. the worst was when my husands brother who is 7 yrs younger than him, got married and then sure enough my SIL got pregnant with the first grandchild and then got pregnant again 1 year later. both times when i was doing IVF. It's enough to drive u crazy. I wish u the best of luck and hope you get a BFP. sticky vibes

[Katiegirl37]

This is such a tough one. It seems like when you are TTC everyone and their sister is getting pregnant. My husband and I have been married for about 1 1/2 years (together 6years) and have been trying to conceive for the last 16 months. My brother in law and sister in law just got married last August and got pregnant 6 months later. Huge blow. To top it off its the first grandchild on that side...
So I must say, I am in the same boat. It is so incredibly hard to deal with someones elses joys of getting pregnant. People do not realize when they are insensitive. My sister in law had the nerve to show me the urine test in person and then kindly gave me all of her fertility armour...OPK's in all. I swear, people just do not understand. I guess I need to realize that they do not know we had to see a RE, they do not know the issues with us both, and they also do not know we just had our second failed iui, sigh. I sometimes wish that everyone did know, but at the same time it is such a private matter. I feel as though I couldn't trust them with it, as our relationships have always been in competition with each other.

So I have to say, even though it is still fairly early for my journey, that is doesn't get any easier. I just had my 16th disappointment, and the more iuis that we have, the more I am convinced the IVF is our only option. It is so discouraging, especially because no insurance in my state covers any fertility treatments. All of our costs have been out of pocket.

Dealing with the emotional and financial tolls are extremely difficult. To see my husband go through all of this without even having a hint of his fertility issues has been really tough. I guess I am rambling and its been a really tough day. So getting back to your question. The only bit of advice I have is to confide in your husband and find a good shoulder to cry on. My mom has been incredibly supportive, but annoyingly optimistic (if that makes sense!) I just started on these forums and I am hoping that this will help. Maybe talking with other people who are going through this very same issue will help... people who "get it". I would say distancing yourself may help, but it also damages your relationship with them. I have distanced my self from my SIL for about a month, time to put my big girl panties on and suck it up this weekend... I gave in... I guess what I am trying to say is it may help you personally but people start to notice...

So I am here for you, I will listen. Keep sharing...it will help the both of us. And stay strong...

[mleigh]

I can say with the up most confidence that it doesn't get any better. I know this because Dh and I are coming up on 9 years of ttc. I to have gone through a very similar situation. My DH's neice got pregnant at 16 (and her first time having sex too!!), and a year before that my BFF gave birth to her 3rd, which during her pregnancy I was so excited, I even threw the shower.

Hey there,
I'm in this boat too and things certainly are only getting worse for me.
Actively TTC for nearly 2 yrs, married for 9 with no use of contraceptives, hoping it would just happen, but nope! Gone through several IUIs and in the middle of a pretty bleak-looking cycle of IVF, pretty sure AF is on her way. Anyway over the course of all this, SIL has 3 babies back to back, one BF is expecting in 2 months, other BF just sent an invite for her 1 yr old's birthday (I threw her shower a little over a year ago, too), and everyone I tell is like, "You'll have your turn, don't worry!" Sometimes I just wanna scream "hey, assholes, you just don't understand -- I'M WORRIED!" I honestly don't think I'm going to have my chance and that I'm never going to have my turn to be a mama. I put some feelers out to different adoption agencies, but I don't think my hubs is really that into it. And my stepsister, who is 20 and lives w/ her dad, had 1 baby already last year and now is preg w/ her second from a completely different guy, I think. I dunno, I don't talk to her much these days, it is too upsetting. She can barely support herself, and here I am, busted my ass to get thru grad school, work hard, waited until I was financially ready to be a parent, and I guess I just waited too long because now I'm dealing with premature ovarian failure. Oh, and this week I discovered I was a victim of major identity theft, and we're running out of coverage for IVF and may have to take out a loan, but now I have to deal with getting my credit in check before that (sorry if that makes me a jerk to complain about that, I know a lot don't have insurance coverage). Anyway, when I received the call from the bank about the ID theft, my coworker, who is aware of what I'm going through, thought it would be an appropriate time to flash a pic of her newborn nephew on her phone to me, "just so you can see what he looks like." Seriously??!? Literally, in the middle of the call. People don't get it. Be careful who you tell.
xo

[Morganbaby]

Wow!!! I felt so alone until I read through these posts...
I just finished my 2ww from a FET and today I started have spotting. So I anxiously awaiting my docs appt on Weds.

In the middle if this...i just found out my SIL and brother are expecting. They had told everyone in the family except for my DH and myself...but she is starting to show so they had to tell me.

I dont know why but I was angry and not happy for them. I love my little brother but i just cant find it in me to be happy. My SIL was making comments like "we can be pregnant together" after you finish your 2ww.

They have only been married for 14 months and they are now 6 weeks pregnant. We have been married for ten years and this is my third cycle.

I just wanted to cry....so NO...it certainly only gets harded as people younger than you get pregnant. But hang in there and maybe one day we can find it in our hearts to be happy....truly happy.

[KimAtFertilityAuthority]

I'm so sorry, Meg. It is so hard to watch others become pregnant while you are struggling. I am really hoping for some positive news for you! Best of luck!

kim

[Katiegirl37]

Hi Everyone,

Sorry it has been such a long time since this forum has been open... how is everyone doing?

[tara86]

Wow I thought I was the only one who felt like this. I have 2 nephews and a niece and a cousin who is currently pregnant ( unplanned of course and hadn't been with him very long) also my sisters first was also unplanned and she hadent been with him long either. It upset me the most when they were unplanned and we have been trying and are now going through fertility treatment and want a baby so badly . How is that fair. But also when neither my sister or cousin found out they were preg could tell me themselves and had to get some one else to do it. I think that hurt the most. Of course I would be upset but I would never show them that and of course I would be happy for them I love my nieces and nephews dearly and they mean the world to me. I feel guilty for feeling the way I do but I can't help it. Hope everyone had their own success stories soon. Good luck.