Niece had baby!?!

[DianeK]

Been TTC 4y. Started medical intervention a little over a year ago. One miscarriage, one failed IVF and failed frozen cycle. Trying to decide how far in debt to go to try again, or just give it all up. I'm 40+ but responded well to IVF (8 embryos) and have low FSH, so still have a fighting chance. Got a phone call yesterday morning that my 19 year old niece gave birth to a baby girl. No one knew she was pregnant. My niece had never even had a gynecological exam (ever!), let alone any prenatal care. Tell me, why does she get a healthy, beautiful baby girl and I don't???? I used to jokingly self-deprecate about all the gay male celebrities who've had babies or twins "Ricky Martin- twins, guy from Doogie Howser- twins, 60+yo Elton John- beautiful baby boy, but Diane- well, she gets nothing." I can be happy for the celebrities- and have been genuinely happy for other relatives/friends/coworkers who have had babies over the past 4 years. The male celebrity cases in particular even gave me hope that if they can have babies thru IVF maybe one of these days it will work for me (if I can afford financially to do it again). But this thing with my niece has really put me over the edge. I just want to sit and cry all day, quit my job and give up working for anything anymore. She and her boyfriend have nothing- weren't even responsible enough to get things checked out by a doctor over the 9 month pregnancy, didn't even want a baby yet and they get a gorgeous little baby girl. I've been hoping, praying, and planning for so long. So many friends and family have been along this journey with us. No one even knew she was pregnant- but now she is a mother and I'm not. Whoever said if you work hard enough and long enough you can succeed at anything obviously didn't have a clue. Guess I was just a fool to believe that. Apparently being irresponsible is the new way to get what you want in life. Really don't know what to do with all this...

[lakelivin]

Hi Diane - I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know exactly how you feel. I remember finding out that my nephew's wife was pregnant. My sister called to tell me before they had even been to the doctor, they were maybe 4.5wks along. I remember asking her "and this was a planned pregnancy?". They just seemed so young and my nephew not has always been the most responsible person. DH and I had been trying for almost 5yrs at that point, 4yrs with help from multiple REs. My DH sister also got pregnant at the same time with their second IVF. They had a miscarriage with the first, but it was clear they really had no idea how lucky they were and we truly feel the only reason they even decided to try was because they found out we were trying. They are "that" couple, the marry me or else couple, the can't make a commitment couple. She was diagnosed with PCOS, was 38/39 and they also had severe MF so they moved directly to IVF. Her husband actually said that he didn't want children unless they we biologically his and hers. This sent DH and I through the roof as we were already looking into donor egg (we have the lovely diagnosis of unexplained infertility). We simply wanted a family to love and raise. So here I was becoming a great-aunt and my SIL/BIL were having a kid for all the wrong reasons. I actually broke down in a restaurant while having dinner with friends after finding out I would be a great-aunt. It was the straw that broke the camels back for sure. The only thing that kept me going was having a plan. I was always planning for the next cycle. It drove DH crazy, but was the only way I stayed relatively sane.

My BF has also struggled with IF. We use to say all the time that if we become crack addicts and moved into a trailer we would be pregnant in no time! It does seem like "being irresponsible is the new way to get what you want in life."

**child mentioned**
DH and I ended up moving onto donor embryos. We are now the proud parents of a 1yr old little boy. We love him beyond words but I will admit that I still get that anger and frustration when I hear about people getting pregnant the first month of trying. How can it be so easy for some and so hard for others...


I hope that your pain and frustration resides over time. I also hope that your day comes very soon!!
-Lake

[TTCyears]

My cousin's daughter (early 20s) gave birth last month. Apparently it was from a one-night-stand so no father was identified. My family expected I would be excited because I was awaiting FET (7 yrs TTC, 5 pg losses, almost died) and we could be new mom's together. Ah... no, sorry, not excited.

Yes, it helped me to have a plan. One foot in front of the other. I kept myself "busy" by pursuing foster/adpot alongside IVF.

I am sorry for these hard times (for us).
~S

[FertileSoul35]

Wow, I completely relate to these posts! My niece was 18 when she visited my DH and I for the first time (across the country) and she had missed her period, thinking she was pregnant. When she got home, she took an HPT: +! Then she called me from a dressing room with her and her friend giggling and told me, um, yup, I'm preggo! She texted "the guy" (yup, TEXTED) and said, "Dude you got me pregnant. We need to talk." Can you imagine?????

But I have to say....her step-sisters (my step-nieces) got married and had their babies easily, and that hurts me just as much. My one niece posted on FB when she was pregnant with her first something about God only giving babies to those He deems most worthy. Wow. I wanted to friggin' choke her (apparently crack-moms/dads are totally worthy).

Anyway....I wish you all much love/luck in your ttc journies and hope that we are all parents soon, because we ALL are "most worthy."

[melbswan]

I can relate, though I don't have nieces and newphews old enough to reproduce yet!

I believe it is sometimes just necessary to distance yourself, even from family, for your own sake! And it is OKAY. In my experience, even my closest family and friends simply don't understand anything related to IF, including how I feel. When my sister excitedly announced her third pregnancy, I smiled through the phone, then hung up and cried. She had no idea how it affected me. And I had to take a few days to myself in order to truly be able to express excitement for her. And I didn't feel guilty. It was absolutely necessary.

Another friend called to announce her pregnancy the day I started my period after a miscarriage. Worst possible timing on her part. But she didn't know. But still, while I was happy for her, I needed to take time away from her situation in order to allow myself time to heal. I still need to call her.....

I guess I'm just trying to say, please tale care of yourselves, ladies, and don't feel selfish for it!!! It doesn't matter if it is a niece, nephew, sister, cousin etc., most will never understand. Take the time you need, but in the end, please don't miss out on the opportunity to love on the precious babies of those nieces, nephews, sisters, friends etc. That would be missing out!!!

[CutieMama]

Try to find a way to encourage yourself. My sister had a child unplanned and I was married trying to have a baby. I was Sooooo mad at her for getting pregnant and not being married that I distanced myself from her because it was too painful for me to handle. Her son is now 8 and I realized later that I had missed out on being an aunt because of my selfishness. I would encourage you to find a way to be in the child's life. Because being an Aunt has been very rewarding to me. I also became a foster mom to help fill the void of not having children.

**child mentioned**
I later became pregnant after much planning and using various ovulation methods. My dd and nephew are very good friends and I have found their relationship very important because I missed out on him so much while he was younger.