How can I deal with SIL Preg. (Pregnancy Ment.)

[Mom2BSomeday]

My SIL and her husband have been married for 7ish years and experienced IF. She recently found out that after they had given up their dream of having children and traded in their cars for motorcycles and coupes, she's pregnant. This will be the first grandchild so her parents are over the moon. My husband and I however, are having a very hard time with this. Obviously, we don't begrudge her and we are happy for her, yet we are very sad. I called to talk to his mom the other day and all I heard about was how special this Christmas will be and how next year at this time there will be a baby in the house. Everyone knows that my husband and I have struggled with IF, it's not a secret. The problem is, Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching and we are unsure of how to handle this. Neither of us think we are capable of handling a family holiday this soon.

I tried to talk to my mom, who btw, struggled with IF. She basically told me to suck it up and go spend the holidays with them. What do I do? I feel we have a right to be sad and we need our space. It's not selfish, it's self-preservation...

[Heavencent]

Well, this is not an easy question. I know that for me personally, I am more drawn to people who have experienced the same problem and have dealt with infertility for a long time and have a success story to share. I suppose that I feel if it can happen to them then there is still hope for us...Now it isnt wrong to feel sadened by the news and want your own space but I would keep in mind that they truely know how you feel and understand what you're going through. They might be able to offer some support and comfort throughout the process even if it doesn't seem like that now...I know that I would give anything to have someone in my life (childless or not) who has experienced and understands infertility, especially around the holidays.

[*Jes*]

Is it an option to maybe bring up or remind them that, while you are happy for them, they should keep in mind what it was like for them when they were trying and other couples sucessfully conceived. Maybe you can ask them to tone down the baby talk on those days. I'm very sorry to hear the advice your mom gave you. It sounds very cold and non supportive. I think its hard to decide what to do. I am very close with my cousin and his wife, who also struggled with IF, but last month she announced she was expecting. As I am happy for them, I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas either. Its going to be non stop talk about her baby and her. Honestly it feels like the last thing I could possibly handle at this time... But I will go and try to make the best of it. As much as I know its going to hurt and depress me, you just never know what life is going to bring... Maybe their baby vibes will rub off and a holiday miracle will take place. I think you should go, but not for long. Maybe not even for the dinner. It would be a shame to let the holiday pass without seeing his family at all, but at the same time you don't need to put yourself into an environment that is going to upset you. Hang in there, I know its hard.

[LaurenO]

Girl, I'm right there with you! My husband and I have been trying for 2 years and on Thanksgiving (ironically a week after our first failed IVF) my BIL and SIL announced that they are expecting in July. This will be the first gandchild. They are younger than us, and just started "trying" this Fall. Nobody knows what we're experiencing with our IF and I am dreading the Christmas holida. I just don't know how I might react when everything is baby talk.

[Jillybean]

I feel yah. After 5 y/o of infertility, a busted ivf cycle, and two losses. My mom told me that my brother, mom and sil aren't coming to see m for Xmas because my younger brother and sil are expecting and she doesn't want to fly on a 1 hr plane ride at 6 mos. My brother didn't want to tell me about it because he didn't want me to feel bad.

I am very happy for them, but I feel very sad for myself. I cried for a good three hours and didn't even want leftover birthday cake, which is my favorite food group. My BF also told me this week she is expecting. I really feel like crawling in an even deeper hole. So no advice, but I can empathize!

[maryh]

Wow - what a tough time this is for you. I've been there too - and from my experience you need to take care of you. Try and find a way to make this holiday as bearable as you can. Maybe you don't attend all the usual festivities - just part of them. Carve out some time just for you and DH doing something that you love to do together. This isn't selfish - it's self care.