Super Aunt - thoughts

[triciaism]

Hi,
I just wanted to tell my story as I'm sure some can relate. I'm 35 yrs. old. I have 5 brothers & sisters (I'm in the 3rd born of 6 total), four have children and of those four each has had at least one preg. w/o marriage (most had all unmarried). I have 10 nieces & nephews total and one great nephew (also unmarried mom). They are 23yrs. - four months old. I fostered my preschool age nephew in early marriage for a year and a half. My parents are both deceased and somehow as that transition happened (my mother 10 yrs. ago) I kind of took over the grandparent role too. In addition I am a preschool teacher - with 22 "at risk" 3 & 4 year olds each year. I generally spend alot of extra time and money doing things for both my students and neices & nephews. I have never regreted being important in the life of a child!
With that said - I do often have bouts of very mixed feelings - ie. the sister is pregnant again with no husband, my neice is pregnant with no husband (the next generation), opps my brother's fiance ended up pregnant to soon, her 16 yr old sister is pregnant, her unmarried cousin also after a drunken night, the parent of a student is pregnant with number four - can can barely take care of the three she has and the father is not her husband, etc. etc. Most of the time I realize that my siblings/family are what they are and that I work with young families - so of course several are going to get pregnant each year. But I'm married 6 1/2 yrs. (together 9 1/2), work hard, give freely, and I spend a good chunk of my pay check and my time at the fertilty clinic. I then start thinking bad thoughts ie. maybe I made the mistake of getting married first before getting pregnant (rediculous really), why do the unwanted pregnancies not miscarry when my one and only so far did, what if we didn't have the money or insurance to try (we barely do and that's because I'm still at the repronex stage) when most of my siblings live on and have babies on medi-cal?, etc. etc. I'm sure you get the idea.
Let me clarify - I never wish for the person to miscarry but sometimes I can't help but wonder why the scales seemed tipped the way they are. I also don't have patience with the women that are pregnant and complain about it or those that (after my one miscarriage) start asking if I'm going to do surrogacy, adopt, or give up. BTW - I'm beginning round 5 next week - #1 + canceled, #2 = negative, #3 = preg/miscarry, #4 negative.
I have backed off the super aunt/teacher/grandma role a little and have put more of that energy into me, my husband, and my pets.
In my case so far this process has made my marriage even stronger: the shot's, appointments, hyperstimulation, "samples" for insemination, the hormonal highs and lows, financial costs, watching an ultra sound of your first baby's heart beat one week and then watching an ultra sound with no heart beat two weeks later will draw you closer or rip you apart. It all takes it's toll and really tests your vows. On good days I know that perhaps that is why I am going through this process - because it makes me and my marriage that much stronger, knowledgable and grateful. And one day it will make me a great mom! On bad days I'm just tired of being strong, knowing what I know and trying to pull out my gratitude list and start thinking that being a mother will never come.
Just wanted to pass these thoughts on. I know they are all part of the "process".
Thanks,
Tricia

[jassystar]

i hearwhat your saying and that can not be easy. none of this is. you sound like a wonderful person and i hope you receive your blessing soon....

[lakelivin]

Thank you so much for sharing. I am 35, the youngest of 5, 10 nieces/nephews and will be a great-aunt before the year is out. It has hit me hard and your post just reminded me that I am not alone.

I wish you the Best of Luck with attempt #5!

-Lake

[Gemma]

Hi Tricia

I hear so many of the questions in your post that I have asked myself many many times. It's great that your marriage is strong. My DH and I have been through 12 years now of m/c's and have managed to stick together. I know what you mean about the scan. We no longer expect to see a h/b two scans in a row. I just wanted to reassure you about the "bad thoughts" that you say you have. They're just normal thoughts. I've wondered on many occasions if I would be childless if I'd married a different man and have felt guilty that I can't give him the child that he wants. The thing is though this is the way that yours and my life is. Whatever the reason (and I hope that one day the bigger picture is made known to me - just so I can understand). I have had to watch my sis bring up my nephew and moan endlessly when her marriage broke up that she didn't want to be a single mum and feel angry with her that she didn't appreciate how lucky she is to have her son. At least I only have one sister - I can't imagine how painful it must be to suffer IF in a large family like yours. I work with teens with huge problems and spend my life with children of various ages. Like you though I am pulling back in my private life with the things that cause me upset - i.e. being expected to babysit at a moment's notice because I don't really have anything else to do as I don't have children!! ha! I'm learning to say the word "no" very well now whilst I am grieving my latest loss.

I hope your next round of tx will be the magical one for you and you no longer have to suffer through all this.

Gemma
xx

[triciaism]

I just wanted to say thank you to those who have replied.
Jassystar - Thank you for your kind words.
Lake - It does help to know that you are not alone.
Gemma - Thank you for sharing your story with me. It does make me put things in perspective and certainly remind me that I am not alone. I am fortunate that I do not have to worry about my PCOS/fertility issues keeping my husband from the child he wants. He's perfectly happy to have just me. I do believe that if we have a child he will not be able to imagine life without/or before but he is ok if we never have a child. I am the one that can't yet imagine my life without a child of my own. Perhaps because I do work with children/have a degree in child development - my life focus is really "children". I have come to a point in my life were I would like to give that experience/skills/love/compassion/etc. to my own child rather than everyone elses - ALL the time. I just began round number 5 of repronex and we will see how it goes. Although I get great personal satisfaction in my work with children, for my own spirit I try to take just one round at a time (until insurance drops me) and try to nurture the little family I have (Me, My husband, dog, and cat). If I don't it will drive me crazy and certainly drive me out of my current profession (since each year at least 3-4 parents are pregnant again and they all ask - "when are you going to have children?" or "you don't have children?".
Thanks again for your stories!!!
Tricia

[Willconceive]

Tricia, I've often wondered the same thing. Like what if I got pregnant young and unmarried. It's difficult. You are so not alone, if you read my other posts, you will see mine is similar to your as far as the family goes. I know that We WILLCONCEIVE, I just don't know when, but I know how...

[triciaism]

Tricia, I've often wondered the same thing. Like what if I got pregnant young and unmarried. It's difficult. You are so not alone, if you read my other posts, you will see mine is similar to your as far as the family goes. I know that We WILLCONCEIVE, I just don't know when, but I know how...

Thanks Willconceive,
I have seen your name around. Your right - we will know "exactly" how and when - ha ha.
Tricia

[conceivable]

Hi Triciaism,

I just wanted to share "my story". I, too, am from a big family, youngest of 6 but only 2 of my siblings have children. My sis has 4 and my brother has 3. It makes me sad because my sis with 4 constantly has probs providing for her family.

When it was time to undergo IVF last May we weren't sure where we were going to get the money and simultaneously my sis came to me to ask for money (a large sum equivalent to the cost of IVF). I was in a dilemma - do I fund a family that exists so they can keep going and forego our dreams of a family of our own or do I pursue our dreams with our money we worked so hard for? In the end, we gave the money to my sis and we managed to also do IVF which ended in a bfn.
I am telling you this because I too have given so freely of our money over the years - I mean, $3K here, $1K here and then the biggest was almost $10K. I decided to not be a bank anymore. I know my sister is struggling now and if this was 'before" my decision to close our wallet I would have sent her some $$$. I even took her clothes shopping over the summer and spent s'thing like $600 so she could get a couple new bras and a couple new nicer outfits. To make matters worse my neice and nephews think our family is "nuts" and they are embarrassed by us - isn't that nice?
I love these children like my own, yet get barely a "hello" from them when they walk in our house - it really makes me wonder what my sister must say about us that they behave like this around my family (which is made up of wonderful people).
Anyway, I am with you - I want answers when/if I get to the pearly gates - I want to find out what happened to all the socks that never made it back from the laundry and also why my sis and brother-in-law have 4 beautiful children without any issues and they don't make the grade as providers and they are "defeated" parents - they don't lead in that household - my niece and nephew swear at them, etc. It's so disappointing to watch from a distance - "What is going on?" keeps racing through my mind as I see their behaviors play out in front of me...while I try not to ask "why" my eyes can't help but roll sometimes...Conceivable.

[Willconceive]

Concieveable...I know your struggles! I was wondering today WHY? I just found out that two of my friend's granddaughters are unmarried and under 20 yet pregnant! I believe i will conceive but would be lying if i said i never struggle or question God...In all my anger tears frustration...i know I can't live without Him

[triciaism]

Conceivable & Willconceive -
Your names make you sound like twins
I soooooo know what you two are talking about.
Honestly, I barely talk to my sister right now. I just don't have it in me to listen to the kid complaints that she causes. Conceivable - like your sister, she's far from capable as a mom. I also realized that I had been putting my life on hold for someone that did not really appreciate what I was doing for her but rather - "expected" me to help. All done with that. I love my nephews when I see them and try to be a stable aunt so they at least have one model of a better way to live, if they choose to follow it later in life. Beyond that there isn't much I can do.
She moved away a few yrs. ago (pregnant w/#3 and wanted to be closer to her "new" boyfriend - the father). It was hard to say good-bye to my two nephews but looking back it was good for me. I started hard on the IF trail and focus more on my marriage and home. Then my sister proved to me how much she focused on herself when I had my mc in Oct. She is the only one in the family that has had two (many yrs. ago) but barely mentioned mine. She wanted to know all about the meds I was on and the process of IF before and since (like the shots), but when I had to go in for a d&c and see the h/b one week and then no h/b two weeks later - she said once "How are you feeling" the morning after the d&c - I responded "I could be better" and that's it. She moved on to other things and never mentioned it again. Even my self absorbed brothers said how sorry they were for my loss. Now she's mad that I don't call her much and don't have much to say. I just don't.
My biggest thing now is I keep picturing the mother at work (I teach low-income preschool) that is pregnant and due when I was before mc. It didn't bother me that much at first - I noted it and moved on - but since I've been on spring break, her imagine pops up in my head off and on. I guess cause she's showing big time now. She's now going to deliver another candidate (#4) for our program in a few yrs. The other pregnant mom's are not bothering me to much right now (there is several). I guess it's partly because I'm in danger of being dropped by my insurance if this cycle I just started doesn't work and it's freaking me out, plus I was hoping to at least be BFP again before my old (only) due date and it seems to be coming up fast (June 1st). I'm usually busy and don't think as much but w/my spring break I have a little more time to analyze things and a little less distractions.
Thanks for listening to my rant (agian).
When I get to the pearly gates - I'm asking the same questions but I think I figured out the sock question. . .
The IUI before last - my husband and I are waiting around in the room (I'm laying still like I'm told) and he gets up to look at something and turns his back to me. Hanging out of the bottom of his jacket like a tail is one of my socks. I was laughing so hard it was hard to tell him what was wrong. We had walked into the hospital to the elevator, then down to the clinic with his "tail" hanging out. I wonder how many times that has happened and the sock was lost (static is pretty strong to stick to the inside like that). Maybe I pushed out the good stuff laughing and that's why it was a BFN LOL.
Anyway,
I guess we all just need to know when to back up, take care of ourselves, and have faith that we are in this for a reason.
Tricia