Need some advice

[kellyrn]

I am sooooo NOT feeling the love right now ladies. Talk me down off the edge here!! First, let me paint the picture for you.
Me, ttc for 4 yrs, been married just as long. Gone through it all. Am starting my 3rd IVF cycle later in the month . I have watched everyone near and dear to me get pg and move on. Always feeling left behind, but I manage to hold my head up, most times.
The problem. SIL just told me she is pg. I haven't even had my bridesmaids gown that I wore to her wedding laundered yet. She has been married one month, and got pg her first cycle trying.
I immediately started bawling when dh told me (it's his sister). Her best friend is pg too, and I see her all the time as well. I'm happy for her. But the green monster is rearing. I kind of knew this was coming. I was just hoping that she would not get pg before me. I was hoping she'd wait awhile before starting. I keep going back and forth with it. Telling myself all of the positive things like "maybe we'll both be pushing strollers around this time next year" blah blah blah. I feel like S***!!!!! One one hand, I feel so deeply sad and sorry for myself, and on the other, I feel like the biggest brat in the world. Like I'm standing in a corner stomping my feet yelling "That's not fair!!!" Like a BIG FAT BABY!!!
I know these feelings are normal. But part of me feels like if I have to watch one more person go through a pregnancy, while I sit in a corner with my poker face on, avoiding all family functions. I'll hate myself forever. I already feel so angry and bitter.
Any words of wisdom are greatly appreciated, as always. God bless you all. Much success in this, and the coming year. May all of our prayers come true ladies!!

[Little fluff]

Hi Kelly

Your right mate that is just not fair, sadly life isn't. I hope your optimism pays off and that yes you will both be pushing prams.

By the way your feelings are perfectly normal and justified so don't beat yourself up over them. While I wouldn't wish IF on anyone I do get annoyed with women that get pregnant too easily.

Hugs
Debbie

[kellyrn]

Thanks so much little fluff!!! I was feeling pretty down. Still not feeling GREAT, but getting over the shock. Take care!!!

[tabby]

I hear you, kellyrn; I'm in my thirties, and it seems like every person I know has kids or is pregnant. I had my first ivf cycle cancelled this spring due to overstimulation--just did another cycle this august and it was bfn. It took me a while to realize how down I was about it. There are these feelings of jealousy in all of us, I think, to some extent.
Everyone else has such an easy time conceiving--why should our paths be so difficult and uncertain?
Then I remember that life is uncertain, that there are no guarantees, whether you are pregnant or not. I remember one friend sitting at dinner last year with two pregnant women---she had just had her second miscarriage after ttc for a long time then going through a second ivf cycle. Now (a year and a half later), I see her with her adorable almost year old twins. I remember that they were two months early, and how terrifying that must have been. Now, her babies have teeth and are getting into everything and are as cute as it gets. I try to delight in being able to hang out with them (they are twins, so she always needs someone to hold one). She deserves every bit of joy she has.
It's not that I don't feel those pangs you were talking about---I do all the time---but I am trying to remember that I never know just how hard someone else has it that I can not imagine, or that I can. Life has lots of joy and sorrow, for every person. Just because someone seems to have it easy in one way doesn't mean they don't have personal hardship of some kind. We're all in it together.
Hang in there, hon.

[kellyrn]

That's really true tabby. I'll try to keep it all in perspective. SIL has ALWAYS told me that she wants Raggedy Ann and Andy for her nursery (God only knows why, LOL!) But that stuff I see is incredibly hard to find. It's weird. I just e-bayed a whole bunch of crib stuff for her. A mobile, comforter, crib bumbers, diaper stacker, etc. And it made me feel really good to do something postitive with all of this energy. As well as something new to obsess over. (winning ) My mom told me "If you handle this with dignity and grace, God will reward you". I believe that, and already feel better! Thanks ladies!

[tabby]

How do you ladies out there deal with all the 'when are you going to have a baby' questions from acquaintances and friends? (I promise I will never ask that question of anyone ever for any reason unless I'm talking to someone in maternity clothes ).
I don't know how you all are working it, but I'm keeping all my fertility stuff on the DL from everyone except my best friend. I figure even for my family, I don't want to have to tell them all we're going through---I'd like to just give out good news, when and if it ever happens.
It wouldn't bother me that much, it's just that I don't want to deal with follow up questions if things don't work out. Well, and also, people always have a way of trying to fix the problem in one easy step, and certainly I had no idea how hard this would be, so I don't imagine people in general would be so understanding.
I have yet to find a dignified answer that is vague enough so that I don't have to give it away.

[kellyrn]

Hey Tabby
Don't know how long you've been ttc. For me, it's been about 4 yrs now, been married just as long. Everyone knew in my family that I wanted to have a honeymoon baby practically. At first, EVERYONE was asking questions like that, "oh, when are they going to have a baby? They better get going." Blah, blah, blah. Over the years, nothing happened. People figure it out to some degree, whether you come clean or not. I still do not directly speak about it to most people, even though I know they know I see specialists. They have no idea the level of crap I'm putting up with. The only people that know everything are my parents (I am way closer to mine than dh is to his), dh's sister, a few friends, period. That's all I'm comfortable with.
Dh was on the fence about wanting to involve his parents. I didn't want to. I just didn't see the need. Dh told his mom about my having an ectopic a few years back. I never really saw that as a viable pg from the start. Didn't really go there, MIL did. Sending me Blue Mountain cards until I was blue in the face!!! She cried like crazy. She couldn't handle it basically. I frankly have enough emotional crap of my own to deal with w/o all the extra drama. Dh felt the same and keeps her out of it now.
As far as how to answer questions, it always depended on the person for me. If it was a nosy type person, I would almost always be sarcastic. If it was someone who just sincerely cared, a different reaction for sure. It's all hard. There are no right or wrongs. Whatever you say, just make sure you let them know (whether directly or indirectly) that it's YOUR business. If you wanted to set up a blog on the matter, you would. That's it! And don't feel bad about it. Some things in life, people feel they have the God given right to know about you, and they don't, that's all.
Good luck! Hope you won't have to answer these questions for long!!!

[JAS]

Kellyrn,
Let me just say how sorry I am for the pain you feel. I have been there for a very long time, and sadly I still am. Yes, I do have kids, but have never been pregnant, and have watched all my IF friends struggle, get pregnant, and move on with life. I am still sitting her with this pain. I am so tired of being stuck at this point in life. Everytime I make a new friend, she gets pregnant, and it is in my face all over again. I used to hide, I had no friends for fear I would have to deal with their pregnancies, but now, I do the opposite. When I have a friend that is pregnant, I try to force myself to give and do for her what I would want others to do for me. I try to give and give and give till I am outside of my pain and sharing in her joy. I have a new friend that has a three year old, a one year old and had an oops and is pregnant with a new baby. I have bought her so many clothes for her baby, stuff for her to help with her pregnancy, and I am helping throw her a shower. Is it easy for me, NO, but if you can give and be a part of someone elses pregnancy, somehow it gets you outside of your pain for just a little while. Everday, I suck up the pain and put on a smile, and then later, I go into my so called closet and I let all the pain out that has built up that week. Somedays I just think, one day I will have to catch a break like all my friends did, and it will be my turn. I have thought that for 24 years, and now, I have given up. I guess I will just suck it up for the rest of my life, try and help others celebrate their miracles, and be grateful I at least adopted children. If you can somehow help your SIL maybe when she is sick, help her around the house, and somehow be a part of it, it will be more special when her baby is born. When my sis was pregnant, all three times, I cleaned every week for her, bought her things, threw her showers, and just helped so somehow I could be a part of her experience. It does really help. I wish you the best, it will happen for you, and hopefully those friend around you will be able to give back to you all that you have done and shared with them. HUGS, JAS

[kellyrn]

Thanks so much Jas. Sorry for the pain that you have gone through as well. If I live to be 100, I'll never understand why we have to go through sooooo much, while others seem to have it really easy.
I have my good days and bad days with all of this. I feel the same way as you do about giving till it hurts!!! Or stops hurting. Life will go on, whether I get pg or not. I need to get past it. I will allow myself to hurt, but not to wallow in it. Not healthy!
Take care of yourself. Hug you children!!!