What No One Tells You About Early Motherhood

[punky]

What No One Tells You About Early Motherhood

By Denise Schipani
Why don't we tell each other the truth about how hard it is in the first six weeks?


Different Than Expected
Scrooge Mom
I adore my son. At 18 months old, he's my boyfriend, my little bit on the side. What I feel for him sometimes borders on rapture, especially when we're making each other laugh by rubbing noses, or when I nuzzle his neck -- that secret chubby spot at the back that stays warm the longest after a nap. One flash of his grin, and I'm all aflutter. I'm in school again, writing his name over and over like a crush.

It was not always thus. Once the adrenaline rush of giving birth to Daniel faded, I set about Feeling Mother Love, and lo and behold, it didn't happen. I didn't love him. Truth be told, in those early weeks, I had to muster enough emotion to even like him.

My husband would come home and declare how he'd missed Daniel all day long. I looked at the boy and thought, "Him? You missed him?" I couldn't fathom what there was to miss. He hadn't done a thing all day, unless you count peeing in my face when I removed his diaper, or crying for three hours straight for no discernable reason.

Love him? Miss him? Bah, humbug. I was a Scrooge mom.


The Nitty-Gritty of Early Weeks
At six weeks, I took him with me to my ob-gyn's office for my checkup. The way she and her nurse were oohing and ahhing over him ("He's so cuddly!" "Look at those eyes!") gave me pangs. My doctor, bless her, must have noticed the look of fear and panic in my eyes.

"This is the bottom, I promise," she said. "This week, or next week maybe, he'll smile and it'll all be worthwhile."

Now, what you might be expecting me to say here is that he did smile, and that I melted and never looked back. But that would be only partly right. I melted, but I always look back. I am determined to remember how I felt in those early weeks, to share with other women the nitty-gritty of how awful it was. Not because I enjoy being a purveyor of doom-and-gloom tales, but because I care enough to be honest.

Yes, I will say to anyone who will listen, there were days I wanted to pop my screaming baby out onto the fire escape and forget he ever existed. Yes, there were times I asked my husband, in all seriousness, whose brilliant idea it had been to have a baby (uh, mine).

What are we doing, as women, when we don't tell each other the truth? Why do we gloss over it? It's not possible that we fully forget. Is it some sort of benign neglect? Or is it the mothering instinct itself kicking in? Just as we want to shield our children from the scary monsters of the world, perhaps we also want to shield other women from the utter horror show that life with a newborn baby can be.

The Truth
So here goes, ladies. It is really, really bad. You do not sleep. You think you're eating, but you're really not (I would find half-consumed sandwiches hours after lunchtime, perched on the arm of the couch where they were abandoned during one disastrous nursing session or another).

Your husband offers to take over on the fourth hour of trying to soothe your crying baby, and you think you've let him until you realize that you're still standing there, unable to lie down. You long, literally long, to do a normal task like paying a bill or folding a towel.

And the worst is in the middle of the night, when you're rocking, rocking, rocking, and pacing, pacing, pacing, staring out the window at other quiet, dark houses and thinking, "Everyone out there is sleeping." Those are the fire-escape moments.

When Daniel was just a few weeks old, we took him to a family party, and a young, childless woman, someone I don't know very well, came up to me and asked me that loaded question: "So, how does it feel to be a mother?" I studied her closely. Did she really want to know? I almost said, "Oh, it's just great." The lie would have been so simple, so soothing to us both, and that may well be why it's told so often. But I rallied. I didn't tell the lie.

I said, "You know, I can't really say. I just feel tired." I puzzled the heck out of the poor girl, a newlywed who probably had quaint visions of motherhood in her head. Forget it, sister. It sucks. And then it gets better. And then it gets even better. Just ask my boyfriend.


Denise Schipani just had her second son. She lives in Huntington, New York.

Originally published in American Baby magazine, February 2005.

[LynnUS]

Thanks for sharing that Erin! It IS hard--that is so true. By far the hardest thing I've ever done. But once you get past those first 2 or 3 months, it does get better. I think it is the total fatigue that really takes it's toll on you.

It'll ALL be worth it though!

Lynn
9yrs ttc#1
4 angels
Madeleine, 3-1/2
3 yrs ttc#2
4 more angels
dx: immune issues
EDD: 8/1 IT'S A GIRL!

[fairymommy]

That is a cute story! I am glad I got to read it. I hope that 6 weeks isnt added to premie time. Ugh that will be the pits. Times three. Im sure we will all love our boyfriends/girfriends in no time.
Tammie

[Baker]

Thanks for sharing this article. I already feel so in love with my child, but I think I forget that being a mother is very hard. It is also nice to know the "truth" about those first six weeks.

Jess

[Lindey]

that is quite true for some, not ALL. with my first it was love at first sight, completely and utterly, but with no.2 it wasnt as completely, i didnt hate him or anything, it was as if i was just looking after him for someone, then when he was about 4 days old, he had been asleep for hours, and would NOT wake up, there was nothing i could do to wake him up, i was so worried i phoned the midwives at the hospital, they must have thought i was mad, why would i WANT to wake him up, but it had been about 5 hours that he hadnt eaten, for a newborn it sjust not good, well after about and hour he did eventually wake up, and i realised how much i did love him while i was so worried i cuddled him all day. i think what had been behind it was i suppose like the boyfriend description, i felt like i was being unfaithful to my 1st son, when i had given birth i just couldnt wait to see matthew, couldnt wait for him to get to the hospital, i cried when i saw him, he wasnt my baby any more, it was almost grief, well with no.3 it was fine, and i'm sure with no.4 will be fine, but i have been very lucky that SO far they have all slept through the night very early, matt 8 weeks, dan 4 months, and alex about 3-4 months (when i say through the night i mean like from 11pm til 6 am or so enough for you to feel human again LOL) it makes ALL the difference.

but i have never admitted that to anyone before, you think they would think you strange, but actually it is probably more common than you realise.

[babyluv]

Another good article for thought and something to help those of us who don't find those first weeks all pink fluffy clouds of dreamy idyllic motherhood.

My son was premature and did not even smile for 11 weeks. He was exhausting to breastfeed and I remember thinking, "HOW does anyone EVER do this again". And he was not a sick preemie at all like some of them are!!

Once we bonded though and recovered from the shock and fatigue, it was great. Still is in fact!

However, that being said, post partum depression is REAL and very disabling, so please alert your family to watch you for it if you don't seem to be bouncing back like yourself......two of my girlfriends had a really hard time with it and the treatment was literally lifesaving........once they got it!!

babyluv

[mcavy]

Great article! I'd have to agree that there are some parts I could totally relate to (the looking out the window and thinking everyone else in my neighborhood was sleeping and I wasn't brought me to tears a number of times, although I never thought about the fire escape option!!) I just think that those moments DO go so fast, some lasting longer than the 6 weeks she mentioned (like the sleeping part, more like 3-4 months before a decent stretch of sleep at night, nursing or not) but once you get past it, it's on to much better times.

I do have to say I battled postpartum depression myself after both my kids were born. The first time, i didn't recognize what was wrong, even being a NICU nurse myself. I thought I just wasn't handling motherhood, work, the house, DH, etc. as good as other mothers were. It was true, I wasn't handling it, but I also had this chemical imbalance going on that wasn't helping things. Meds helped ALOT. I didn't get on any antidepressants until my first was 10 months old, WAY too long to feel like I did. The second time, my OB put me on meds prophilactically at 6 weeks (yes, there are some that are safe to take while nursing) and it made a HUGE difference in the first year of his life for me. I will be on the look out again this time to see. I have tried to change some of the factors that affected this issue (like work problems and my own expectations about what I can and cannot do around the house after I have a baby) but if the chemical tendency is there, it will happen again. I have read that women that deal with infertility are more prone to PPD than women who conceived without assistance, just because of the sheer stress the conceiving process takes before the baby ever exists, so be careful ladies.
Thanks for posting this!

[sarahp]

great article....makes you think about things, and realize you don't have to be super woman.
in the beginning of my pregnancy when i was feeling nauseous and tired and cranky, i remember feeling like i didn't want to share my body anymore.....and i felt such horrible guilt over that thought. i was SO excited to be pregnant, and so looking forward to being a mom (as i still am) but i was just feeling like i was the most selfish person in the world for feeling those feelings. but i talked to friends and family who are moms, and they all said it was totally normal and didn't mean i didn't love or want my baby. thank god for them. now that i feel like my old self, i am loving being PG!
however....i bet i am a beast after i give birth. i am NOT a good person to deal with sleep deprivation. i get pissy, cranky, and down right *****y. that being said, i wonder how i'll do?!? dh on the other hand is wonderful on only a few minutes sleep....so we'll have to work out some kind of deal here....i'll supply the boob to nurse from if he wakes up, gets the baby, holds it to my chest to let it eat, and then puts it back to bed.....i'll sleep thru the whole thing! LOL!! wouldn't that be great!
as soon as i can, i am going to pump, and let daddy-o get up and do the evening feedings with a bottle. at least we'll take turns so one of us is getting a half way decent nights sleep.
oh, it'll be an expirament allright....we'll just have to wait and see how it goes.
sarah