New to Private adoption

[bbvgeek]

I am hopefully going to be adopting a 8mth little girl privatly. The BM gave her up to a friend (Lets call her MF who has 5 of her own kids) when she was 6 days old. MF has been looking after her since then and doesn't want to adopt her due to her own son having medical issues and she can't afford the money or time with her either. Baby has a legal name but is only called "pet" names. I work with MF and she thinks we would have the perfect home for her but BM is scared that she would never see baby again... BF thinks the baby is in the foster care program and BM hasn't told him differently (BM and BF are married). We have tried to explain through a letter that we don't want a closed adoption and that we want baby to know her full sister (they have extreme trouble providing for) and other blood related family at the very least at age 18. We would love to send pictures and letter once a year and maybe a pre-arranged visit once a year or so. MF doesn't think BM would visit her but I think that she should have that option.. weather she takes up the offer is up to her. We still haven't done a homestudy or any paperwork due to the fact that BM is freeking out that adoption is so final and she thinks it is better for baby to stay in limbo so maybe when she wins the lottery or something she can have her back... urg! I know BM loves her but she is not thinking of babies best intrest. Any advice would be great! Tonya

[waiting2bamom]

I really think that's a wonderful agreement to have with the BM. My only advice is to be careful that your words can't come back to bite you as "cohersion." It certainly doesn't sound that way yet, but, I would be careful of any and all promises to her.

Blessings.

(I would also post on the "matched" board where more people tend to go.)

[dorygirl]

I would like to respond to this:

I know BM loves her but she is not thinking of babies best intrest.

It is really difficult to determine at this point what is in the best interest of the baby. Just because the family is poor and the potential adoptive family has more than enough means does not necessarily mean that being adopted is in the best interest of the baby. There are plenty of poor families that raise their children in loving caring homes. Please try to remember that this is her child she is relinquishing - it's not something that should be done on a whim.

[sgreen2]

dorygirl-I am not trying to start something here, and I do agree that many "poor" people raise their children in loving homes, and money really has nothing to do with it! But, I think what bbvgeek was trying to say was that it is not good for the child to be in "limbo", and being in "limbo" i snot in the best interest of the child--and I would have to agree with that. If the current placement is not going to be long term, then the Birthmom and birthdad need to fiigure out what the long term objectives are soon! The longer they wait the more issues the child will be likely to have when being moved from home to home.

bbvgeek--Good Luck it sounds like a sticky situation. But one that could possibly have a good outcome for you guys and the baby. There is another member here that has been going through a similar situation with the birthmom going back and forth on what is going to happen with her child. I can't remember her screenname right now, but maybe she will chime in.

[bbvgeek]

Thanks Michelle.. I forgot to post the update! We got blind sided and the family that was taking care of her (not the birthparents) decided to keep her.. they don't buckle her in because they have too many kids of their own so there is not enough seats in the van. They don't have time to clean her ears, carseat, clothes, cut her nails or hold her. The now family of 8 live on $40k a year and can't afford to adopt her so she will never be permanant! She is now 1 year old and can't even roll over by herself, and is deaf and they have no intention of learning American Sign Language..something I already know. This loss for me was more painful and frusturating than 7 m/c! I just thought I would give you the update. Tonya

[llsoon2brn]

What a terrible situation for that little girl.

[bbvgeek]

Thanks llson2brn It is hard but I know they are very attached to her as we got attached in just 2 months I can understand but LOVE is knowing what is best and I think they forgot that. We have moved on to adopting from Russia and are waiting to start our homestudy until after we have moved this May/June. I am starting to get my hopes up all over again. I know there will be bumps but there will be a child at the end of all this! Tonya

[llsoon2brn]

Nothing happens by accident. I have lost 12 babies to misscarriage, and prior to having kids we had lost 10...I always said "why me...?" Then after we adopted our little girl, I finally understood why it kept happening, because whe was waiting for us. After we adopted her I got pregnant twice and had two sons. We are now in the process of adopting again and I got pregnant again only to lose that baby at 12 weeks, it just reminded me that there is once again a baby waiting for us!
Best of luck to you, and your little angel baby is waiting for you to bring them home.

[bbvgeek]

Thanks for your posts! I'm thinking that my 7 angels are telling me that the rest of our family is on the other side of the world we just have to go find them! You really understand! Where are you looking for your waiting baby? It is pretty amazing how life pulls you to different roads that end up being the best road you would have never picked on your own!