Is anybody here?

[leah1975]

I just found this board, but I see that no one has posted in quite a while...

My DH and I are *hoping* to adopt soon... we are matched and emom is due in January. We've gone through IF, m/c, and the stillbirth of our baby boy this past May. We had already started the adoption process when I surprisingly got pregnant twice. After losing our son, we decided to carry on with the adoptions plans rather than ttc again... after our loss, I didn't feel like I could take the disappointment month after month of ttc and the idea of being pg again really terrified me.

We are thrilled and nervous now. Although I am on a couple of adoption boards, I don't know anyone who's been through anything like us.

So, is anybody here?

leah

[bigdipper]

Leah, sorry your message sat here for a while. I don't post very often on this site anymore, but I started this particular forum for the exact reason you stated, not knowing anyone else who had been through both.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son and all you had been through prior. My story is similar. We adopted, ultimately twice, after 2 m/c's, IVF and the stillbirth of our daughter. Like you the idea of getting pregnant terrified me to the point that almost 1 year to the date of our daughters birth my DH got a vasectomy. We made our very firm decision to adopt while still in the L&D with my baby girl. At that point we both knew difinitively it was our path.

Our match for our son was a mere matter of months after our DD was stillborn so YES YES YES we were very nervous and thrilled. It's something very hard to explain to people isn't it? One thing I learned through this very unique process, even after my DS was born (8.5 months from the stillbirth of my DD) is just to feel the exact way you want to feel at the exact moment you feel it. If you are scared, don't hide it. If you are happy, go with it. You can and will be joyful and grieving simultaneously. I've done it and so have others that I've met through the years. I found the issue was mostly other people's expectations of me. Arm yourself to tell those in your inner circle, that while you may be excited and blissful about the coming birth of your baby, you are still distraught about the death of you son. They are not mutually exclusive. Same for after your new baby is born. You must let them know that you are allowed to own both emotions at the same time and there may be no rhyme or reason to when either will surface.

I really hope you have a great and understanding support system. This is pretty heavy stuff you are enduring and I hope those you lean on understand that.

[ssh]

Leah,

I could not have said it better than Annette and thanks to Annette, this board was around when I was in your shoes. We have a daughter who is now 5 years old and it was the single best decision we ever made. I truly believe that she was meant to be our daughter and although we went through hell to get there, I feel that for whatever reason this was meant to be our path.

I'm very sorry for all you have gone through. It is heartbreaking. Although I was never able to carry past the first trimester, I went through many losses. Some before we started IF treatment, some during, and 3 after we ended tx. Like you, the surprise pgs became even more devastating later. One was right after our last cycle ended in mc, one was while we were in the process of adopting and the last one when my DD was 15 months old. I also chose to go on the pill and later had my tube tied (lost the other to ectopic) because I did not want to go through any more losses (I was also over 40 so the prospect for me every carrying to term was slim anyway)

We did not tell many people we were adopting, and we were lucky because our wait was also relatively short. It was easier to just go about my business and talk to my few friends who were really supportive. People who have not been through IF or adopted have many pre-conceived notions and you may or may not want to hear what they have to say. Luckily for me, our family was extremely supportive and thrilled when our DD came home. In some ways, I think my mom thinks she is even more special because of what we went through to bring her home, although I know she loves all her grandchildren.

As Annette said, do what you need to do for you... you don't need to buy everything (or really anything) until your baby comes home... just try to realize that at the end of this process you will bring a baby home - really! That is the best advice I can give... happy to be here for you... feel free to PM me if you have any questions since I don't check here often. I just had an itch to come and check in... remembering all those years during the holidays and how hard it was. Hopefully 2010 is the year for you!

Susan

[M&M]

yes, it is slow here, but I stop in from time to time. Annette and Susan said everything so well and were of tremendous support to me when I came here in great despair and fear about forging ahead with our adoption plans. Like Susan, I was never able to carry past 12 weeks but suffered multilpe losses before turning to adoption, but am SO happy we did.

I hope you check back in and let us know how things are going. You can always send any of us a PM and we'll rally the bb to support you. Despite being slow here, there is actually an army of fantastic women who can walk you through this. Just say the word.

[momtocole]

(((Leah)))
Hi! I, too, am so sorry and sad to hear about the loss of your son...of all your children

To echo my lovely friends here, this board; though slow now, was truly a lifeline to me as well for the past almost 5 (!!!) years. We have experienced life in a way that many just cannot understand. Please reach out to us for support, with questions, etc.

I love how Susan said "just try to realize that at the end of this process you will bring a baby home - really!" It's true!!! I still sometimes can't even believe it, but it is.

My thoughts are with you and your family, and I too hope that this new year is a great one for you

[Sparklequeen]

Hi Leah,

I am just starting my 4 day prep course for adoption after 17 losses i have just had my 10th missed miscarriage and have to go in hospital on tuesday to remove baby i know i wont have my own baby due to all losses being unexplained - i can never get past the 1st trimester and there is nothing my gyno can do for me.

I am excited to be starting adoption and cant wait till we our blessed with our littlle boy or girl - you can pm me anytime you want to chat about this.

I am looking for someone to share my adoption journey with and if anyone elsa is maybe we can be adoption buddies xxx

[Gemma]

Hi Leah

I've not been over to this board for a while since it went quiet. I am just in the process of adopting a 2 year old little girl after 15 years of miscarriages, losing 10 babies during that time. Like M&M I wasn't able to get passed 12 weeks and now have a coil fitted so I can't risk getting pg. We first made a call to the adoption agency 2 years ago and started the process in depth this time last year. We meet our daughter for the first time on 5th March so are now getting very excited. I am always so sad to hear of other people who have had to walk the awful road of losses. It's hard for people to understand the emotions involved. I hope that adoption brings you the family that you desire.

Sparklequeen - Hi there - are you in the UK?

Hugs to M&M; Mumtocole; big dipper and ssh - haven't seen you all for ages. I did come over to the other board but didn't feel like I fitted in as I seemed the only one without children at that point. Hope you are all well.

Gem xx