We have our prep dates!!

[Gemma]

Hi Waiting4

I think the process moves very differently over in the states than it does over here. We're waiting to start our homestudy part at the moment.

Yes, we've given up on the idea of biological children now. We've miscarried 10 babies now and getting pg is also a difficulty over the past few years. I got pg on both my ivf and fet but m/c'd both times. There is no new tx for me to try to keep me pg and we don't want to use a surrogate because there is no guarantee that it isn't the mix between DH and I that is a problem so DH and I feel there's no point in getting pg again to lose another baby. I think my emotional limit on that point has been reached. I will be honest and say that I am still grieving the loss of us having a bio child, mostly because of not experiencing being heavily pg and giving birth and also because I will never have a newborn. There are the genetics issues of not having a child that looks like us or inherits our talents but there is so much more to children than that so that I worry about less. The way the adoption process works here means that a newborn is out of the question. Under a year old would be amazing (and certainly not guaranteed) so I am grieving the loss of all those things as well. I want to be a mum and I know I will get over these things and there are benefits to not having bio children (like keeping my pelvic floor muscles intact and having a child who is already sleeping through the night hopefully) but it's a happy/sad time for us. Since I've had my iud fitted and stopped ttc I've grieved more and I'm hoping that I will get much of it out of my system before we get further into the adoption process so that I am in the right place emotionally. It's not that long since our last loss really (we told the agency that we stopped ttc before we really did because they make you wait a year after all tx over here before they will start the process).

You are certainly not alone in how you are feeling. I would imagine that most of us who experience IF and then adopt feel the same. However, and it is a big however, the people I know who have adopted have said that once they have their child most of those emotions go away. They may come back from time to time but I've been reassured by many people that the adopted child feels no different emotionally to you than if you were to have a bio child. As I will never have a bio child, I'll never know the difference anyway. Not many people expect to be in this situation I guess and it's ok to feel sad that things may not turn out as you planned them. It doesn't mean though that they can't still be wonderful and exactly as the universe intended and that is what I am holding on to at this point.

Gem xx

[Waiting4aLiLone]

Gem- I am so sorry to hear about your 10 losses. That alone proves to me that you are a strong and brave individual. I have had 3 losses and all 3 times were with fertility meds. I too can not get pregant on my own without meds. Each time i miscarried, it was because of different reasons.
I guess the adoption process really is different here than it is in the UK. I cant believe the differences. Why is it difficult to get a newborn? Is it because there is a lengthy process to go through after the baby is born? And does a birthmother choose you or does the agency place you with a baby??
I am sorry if I am asking too many questions. I am just curious. Do you know when your homestudy will take place?
I have thought of surrogacy as well. My infertility issues stem from me, not my DH. I have PCOS and dont ovulate on my own. My left ovary does not produce any follies unless on high doses of meds. My right ovary does produce follies but my right tube is somewhat blocked, so that doesn't help me any. The first time I was PG I carried up until my 4th month but lost the baby bc of blood clots in my placenta. After the loss they found out I had a blood clotting disorder. I stained throughout the whole preg, as well as with my other 2 pregnancies that ended much earlier. I also have bleeding polyps that keep growing back in my uterus, so I dont think my body is physically equipped to carry to full term when pregant. My doctor tells me it is possible, it will just take time. He now wants me to do IVF, but can not guarantee that i wont miscarry again. So we are not doing IVF now. Maybe in a year or 2 after the adoption.
So I too have thought of surrogacy, but it is VERY costly here... $100,000 (if not more) so that is out of the question. And I would hate to have to ask family and friends to do something like that. And even if they did, I dont know if i could handle knowing that someone else was experiencing everything i was supposed to be experiencing with my baby. Sounds a little selfish, but I have tons of emotions through this whole thing. Rollercoaster ride is an understatement!
I know adoption is the right choice. I just hate having some of these feelings show up from no where. Thank you for listening and responding. It does help to have someone who knows what you are going through. Let's keep in touch throughout this whole thing.

xoxo

[Gemma]

Hi there Waiting4 and sorry for the delay in replying. I've been busy the past week and not online as much.

How are you feeling this week? Are you getting your head any clearer? It sounds like you have specific physical issues for your RE to plan for. I have a blood clotting disorder as well. I had a septum that was removed. Before that was removed I spotted throughout my pg's. I took 150mg of asprin per day and also had heparin shots but had a reaction to the heparin in several pgs. I think that medical science hasn't worked out what's going on with me yet but who knows when they might work it out? I could be 50 and still waiting and I can't do that anymore.

My understanding is that the process is very different here. Our birth mom's don't pick the adopter at all. They can specify religious affliations but not much more than that. The social workers match the adopters with a child or children. The home study is very intense and they want to know all about your childhood and current situation. There are very few babies available to adopt here, particularly newborns so our child will be older. I hope for a child under one year old if possible. I think it's good that the SW's pick and not the birth mom. That must be tough for you. It would play with my insecurities ALOT!!

Am happy to walk through this process with you. I expect these feelings will hit us from time to time. It's good to know that we can have a vent every now and again!!

Hope you're ok

Gem xx

[Waiting4aLiLone]

Hey Gemma,

Sorry about my delay as well. There was a death in the family, but I will PM you soon. Hope you are well.