Why can't people mind their own d*&@ business?

[momtocole]

**sigh**
Last night my fil was over helping dh with some wiring. They were done so he comes to say goodbye and proceeded to throw me into a complete panic.

He starts with the "helpful advice" that makes my skin crawl. first he tells us that we really should consider telling the moms (meaning my mom and mil) the baby's name before anyone else cause that would make them feel special.

We've given a lot of thought about people meeting us at the airport. We've learned that a crowd can be frightening for the baby, so we don't want to do that. We haven't told anyone what we've been deciding upon. So...fil also tells us that we should let the moms be there to witness the first moment. Since.......this is my parents' FIRST GRANDCHILD and it's the first moment and they've never experienced that before and on and on and on and on.

SHE IS NOT THEIR FIRST GRANDCHILD!!!!!!! good lord what is wrong with these people? My parents held Cole right after he was born--they HAVE experienced that "first moment".

he said so much so fast that I literally panicked and couldn't respond. I didn't defend my boy to his grandfather who has apparently forgotten that he exists. dh is going to go to have a talk with his dad tonight-he was as upset as me.

It was bad enough that he completely disregarded Cole, but then on top of that to stick his nose in our business (that he knows NOTHING about) was just the icing on top. I feel tremendously guilty for not saying anything. And i just want to run from these people and never see them again. they just have no idea (and don't care to try) about what we go through every single day.
grrrrrr and

((( thanks for listening )))

[M&M]

Oh Rebecca, I am so sorry FIL didn't acknowledge Cole as the first grandchild. You, Dh and Cole deserve so much more. I can't imagine how terrible that must have made you feel. Don't feel bad about not saying anything. How in the world would you be able to process that kind of statement?? Somone said something really hurtful to me the other day and I stood there in shock. It took me 48 hours to figure out exactly how it made me feel and then I brought the subject up with them. I think if I had responded on the spot, I would have sounded irrational. Still, you don't really need to say anything. Cole is your baby, your first child Nothing will ever change that. Never. I'm sorry he hurt you.

[Cubanita]

Grrrrrrrr!!! What is it with grandparents??? Why is it that the only ones that remember my children are on these boards? The first grandchild comments...well that is just unforgiveable.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I hope that we can help you have the strength to stick to your guns about what is right for you and DH.

[Loie]

I seriously hate the "well intentioned" in life. I'm so sorry FIL threw you into a frenzied mess of internal thoughts and anger. I agree with Melinda...take a couple days and gather your thoughts and I'll add that both you and DH should sit down as a unified front with all your parents and lay down the law. Prepare yourself with a list to give each one of them with do's and do not's. We did this and it established some clear boundaries for our family to follow and protected our hearts too.

Have you bought them the book, "Adoption is a Family Affair"? It has helped tremendously with our families.

I'm so sorry that people dismiss Cole so easily. He will always be their first grandchild and soon to be big brother! I picture him visiting Cuc now giving her the lay of the land, telling her about you and DH, and making her smile. It's such a sweet picture.

Big hugs lady.

L

[momtocole]

I just feel like a complete invalid. Dh just left to go talk to his dad-they live close by-and I just couldn't go. All day I've felt like I'm going to fall apart and haven't much left the living room
I do feel good that it's being addressed, but still feel like a complete failure that I'm not going to support and stand up for my son.

Laura, I have read that book and loved it. I told steve your idea and he (as well as I) think that's a great idea. So once I'm more composed we're going to have some sit downs and give them the book and add our own recomendations (like: DON'T forget your grandson )

thanks for being here for me

[bigdipper]

Rebecca, I've been there. We all can think in hindsight what we should have said. But in the moment, it's so hard to come out of your shock fast enough to have the best response to would make an impact. I think it's pretty crappy that the "first grandchild" title was lost on Cole . You can tell them, "she is your first living grandchild, but you already have your first grandchild."

As far as the name and the airport thing go, stick to your guns. We did not tell our parents the name of either Mallory or Owen prior to their birth and that's just the way it is. I agree about not wanting a ton of people at the airport when you return. Tell your FIL, that the two Grandma's will feel special for the rest of their lives spoiling her and to respect your decisions.

[Feliz]

Sorry for barging.

I am sorry you are going through. Regarding the airport I would advise you to stick to your guns. I was too shy to tell people I did not want a party at the airport, especially after flying in from Siberia. But as luck would have it, I told them the wrong time (not on purpose) it was very calming for my dd that only one person picked me up. She did not sleep for over 15 hours and was very overstimulated, it is not fun to travel with a stressed toddler halfway around the world. You have to do what is best for your child and it will the first of many no's that they will not like.

Good luck,


Claud

[ssh]

Rebecca,

I'm so sorry that your FIL was so rude and disrespectful of your feelings, your son's existence, and your right to make decisions on your own. How sad for him! What he doesn't realize is that you and your dh have a great relationship, have already thought all of these things through, and are going to do it your way, no matter what.

As parents it is your right to decide what is best for you as a family and for your child... and if you do get the opportunity, you may want to mention that "this is your first granddaughter, since you already have a grandson."

Try not to feel bad that you could not go with your dh to talk to them. He knows that you support everything he is doing and appreciate the fact that he went on his own. You will face your FIL in time...

Sending lots of {{hugs}}} your way.