Our Stories

[bigdipper]

I thought I would start out by telling my story and hope others will follow so we can get to know each other.

I am Annette and DH is Rod. We started ttc the mintue we got married almost 6 years ago. During our first two years of marriage, we had gotten pregnant only twice. The first was natural and miscarried very early. Our second was after a dx of low sperm count and only one dose of clomid. We lost that baby when I was 10 weeks pregnant. Our RE suggest IVF as a way to get around the low sperm count and ICSI to find only the healthy sperm to fertilize. So 3 1/2 years after ttc, we finally were doing our first IVF/ICSI. Our first try was success, I was pregnant. Since I was suffering from overstimulation I was monitored by ultrasound for the next two weeks. We saw the heartbeat of one tiny little baby at 6 weeks. One tiny little miracle. The next few months were happy, but again I was very sick with morning, noon and night sickness.

At 14 weeks we heard a healthy heartbeat and we knew this one going to make it. We started telling everyone our wonderful news. I was in the later half of my 18th week when I was to go to the OB for another routine appt. DH wasn't originally going to go though he had been to every single appt. so far. But at the last minute he changed his plans and we went anxious to hear that little heartbeat again. The doctor had the doppler all over me and couldn't hear anything. I can see his concern, but I was so oblivious to anything being wrong. We were past the danger I thought. He decided to do an ultrasound and I can feel DH's had start to get sweaty. The Dr. looked at the screen for a second then said "I'm sorry, I don't see a heartbeat". I remember vividly screaming "No, No not again, please not again." You see this wasn't my regular OB, but this Dr. was the on call Dr. during my two previous miscarriages. I thought that if he remembered me he could take back what he said. I seriously thought he could. That was not to happen. That is when the hell began.

The next day we checked into the hospital to induce labor. My parents, DH's parents and one of my sisters were there. Everyone was numb and crying. The nurse started the induction at 7:30pm. The nurse told me I was going to feel "some cramping" and boy did I. But what I didn't know was that the cramping was contractions. They were horrendus. My mother (a retired OB nurse) told me how to breath through them and it was a that point I realized that I was in full on labor, but I didn't get the lamaze classes, I didn't get that far in any book. This wasn't supposed to be this way. By about 10:30pm my dad and sister left to drive the hour back to their homes. My in-laws went back to our house for some rest and my mother stayed at the hospital with us. I had mophine and an epidural for the pain. There is no medicine for the emotional pain. I remember telling DH through my labor that I couldn't go through this again. "No more" I said over and over and over. I know my self to know that I was not strong enough for this. I knew then that this would be my first and only chance at labor and delivery.

At 3:30am on Saturday February 9, 2002 my precious daughter Mallory Hope was born silently into our lives. The doctor sat quietly at the end of my bed in a dimly lit room and our miracle baby made a peaceful and gentle entrance into this world that she would never see. She was so tiny, but so perfect. We held her and sobbed for what seemed like forever, but never enough time. She spent the night in our room right next to my bed. The next morning, my mother, my in-laws and my other sister were able to be there while we had her blessed by the Chaplain. I couldn't believe I was holding my baby, her tiny lifeless body in my hands. I knew that I had to say goodbye as I was being discharged. I didn't want to leave that hospital. I could have stayed forever holding her. I was safe there.

We were given the option for us to have her body for burial or to have an autopsy done on her and have her creamated. We had no idea why she died so an autopsy seemed like the right choice. DH and I sat together with her and cried and cried some more before handing her to the nurse. That was the last time we saw her. We left with a bag of memories, the roll of pictures the nurses kindly took for us, her bracelet, her certificate of blessing and her tiny hat and blanket, which I will cherish forever. We left the hospital after giving birth, with no baby to hold.

The days and weeks to follow were a nightmare which I was sure I would die in. The pain was so unbelievable I felt as though someone was pulling the skin of my body. I wanted my baby back. How can we get through this. We knew that we were going to pursue adoption, but the start of every conversation ended up with us clinging to each other in tears. Mallory's autopsy came back with devestating news. There was no known cause of death. Nothing wrong with her physically or otherwise. Nothing wrong with me physically or otherwise. Our RE called it a horrible case of bad luck. One month after Mallory was born we went away for the weekend. We talked a lot about our future. We new we were going to be parents someday, there was no question of that. But with our dx it was obvious that we couldn't take the chance at pregnancy again. They can't stop something from happening if they don't know what is wrong. We decided to start the adoption process.

I quit working after Mallory died so I had all kinds of time to do research. Through my tears, I spent lots of time on the computer figuring out what we wanted to do. One night I was sitting with DH crying about Mallory. I said, "I can't believe we will have children that won't look like us." Dh said something to me that was genious. He pointed to a decorative pillow and throw blanket on our couch. "You bought those pillows and a year later you got that blanket at a totally different store but the match perfectly. Things don't have to come from the same place to go together." From that moment on, I saw things differently.


It was 10 weeks after Mallory died that we settled on an agency for Domestic adoption. It was quick, but I needed to feel like I was being proactive in our quest for a baby even through my grief. I needed something to look forward to and to divert my attention, even if only for small moments at a time. We applied to our agency April 17 2002. A couple of days later I was talking to my mom and she mentioned that her nieghbor P was asking about Rod and I. She told them we just applied at XX agency for adoption. She mentioned a friend of hers had a daughter who was planning on placing her baby for adoption and just applied at the same agency. A quick call to the agency confirmed that coincidence. They told us to make a copy of our profile (it was finished, but not yet turned into the agency) and get a copy to the PBM.

A few weeks later our agency told us we could bring in our original profile and they can start to show it. DH brought it to the agency on a Tuesday morning. Later that very same day K(mom's neighbors friend) and her daughter E went to the agency to look at the profiles. Apparently K still hadn't told her daughter she knew of us. But while at the agency, she made sure that the agency showed her our book. (good thing we brought it in that morning!) E narrowed it down from 30 to 5 couples. We were one of the 5, but she had no idea about her mothers knowledge of us.

Now it was about a month and a half later and we had not heard anything further about E. However Mallory's original due date was approaching so we didn't have our mind entirely on adoption at that point. We decided to drown our grief in Mexico. So for the week of Mallory's due date, we laid on a beach holding hands and crying. We talked about E and figured that she probably choose someone else by then since she was due in Sept. and it was already July. Upon our return, I asked P (mom's neighbor) if she could get the copy of our profile back from K since they didn't need it anymore. She told us to our suprise that E still hadn't picked anyone. And K still hasn't even told E that she knew us. We were back in the game but confused.

Then the last few days of July we get a call from our agency saying that E was interested in us, but wanted more information about certain things. We wrote her a letter and sent it to the agency on Friday. Monday morning I get a call, she got the letter and WE WERE CHOSEN!! I started bawling and shaking. She asked if I wanted to know the sex and without DH home I wasn't sure if I should know. Then I said yes "It's a Boy!!" I hung up the phone an called DH at work in tears. How would you like a son at the end of September?!"

We met E and her mother, K a week later. She is so beautiful. We actually found out that we have a lot in common. We went to two OB appointments with her. The first one we got to hear the heartbeat of our baby boy. We stood there in tears. Crying because just months before that I was listening to the heartbeat of my baby girl. Crying because this beautiful young girl was going to be giving us the life inside her. Crying tears of pain from one eye, and tears of joy from the other. A couple of weeks later we had the honor of being with her for an ultrasound. There we saw our baby for the first time. He was perfect.

Then on Friday September 27 at 10am we got a call from the agency saying that they think E is in labor and to stay by the phone. K had our number and she was to call us so we could be there. We had not been invited into the delivery room, but that was ok. I wasn't sure that only 7 months after delivering Mallory if I could handle being in the room anyway. We planned to be in the waiting room. We did not get another call until 11:00pm. K told us that the baby was born an hour before and we could come to the hospital now. Dissapointed we weren't there for the birth, but excited that it was finally happening. We arrived at the hospital and spent some time with E before going to see the baby.

I remember K getting ready to walk us to the nursery and we were waiting in the hall. I started to cry so hard. I was about to see my baby boy. I was missing my baby girl. How was it possible to feel all these conflicting emotions at one time. Two hours after he was born, the nurse placed him in DH's arms. We were able to feed him his first bottle as the nurse took pictures for us. He was perfect, just sent from Heaven and perfect. We spent more time with E and the baby that night. Just the 4 of us talking and everything seemed ok. We spent the night at the hotel around the corner from the hospital. That night we confirmed the name we chose for our son. Owen Gregory.

The next morning we went back to the hospital and after waiting for a while at the nursery, they told us that the baby was with E in her room, so we went there. Her sister and her friends were there and we were all taking pictures and video. Then a nurse came in and took Rod out of the room. The hospital social worker called and said that she spoke to E earlier and E wanted to postpone the signing of placement until the next day. She wanted us to leave so she can be alone with the baby the rest of that day. In a panic we left and went back to the hotel. We called our agency social worker, and she talked to E and told her "I need my time, I know Annette and Rod will understand". We were terrified. We sat in our hotel room and cried, stared at the walls, and cried some more. We called our family and friends and cried in fear that we would loose another baby. It was the unthinkable.

We didn't sleep at all that night. We talked to K that morning and she said everything was fine, but not to come back yet. We had to check out of the hotel by noon that day so after buying E flowers and had them sent up to her room, we sat in the parking lot of the hospital for 2 hours. Then our social worker called, E just signed placement, and we could come pick up our baby.

We got to the nursery and were handed this unbelievably beautiful baby. This was really happening. Two hours later we walked through our front door holding our son, Owen. Just 7 1/2 months after walking through our front door empty handed after Mallory's birth. He was a true miracle and our lives have never been the same. It's amazing how much you can love a baby from the moment you meet. It's a love that is impossible to describe.

Just a month before Owen's birth, DH and I were on a picnic. We fell asleep on the blanket on the perfect warm summer day. I woke up suddenly and right above me was a cloud shaped perfectly like an Angel. I woke up DH and without skipping a beat he took a couple of pictures. We both laid there with tears in our eyes. It was Mallory coming to tell us everything was going to work out. I felt very calm and peaceful. When I got home I was compelled to find out when Owen was conceived. I counted 40 wks. back from his due date realized that his heart started to beat the exact week Mallory's stopped. I have always said since that she loved him so much she gave him her heartbeat. Our two babies are connected in our hearts and connected in theirs.

Owen is almost 18 months old now and not a day of his life has gone by where I haven't had to wipe tears from my eyes. The love of my daughter that is forever in my heart, and the love I get to share everyday with our son is so overwhelming. He makes my soul sing with joy and I am honored to be his mom.

*************Edited 9-07 to add an update*************

So here is the story, with a little back story. In the last few weeks Rod and I had seriously considered International Adoption from Ukraine. A friend of ours adopted from there a few years ago and we were head first into getting things figured out. Last Thursday morning I talked to my friend, got the number to the translator we wanted to hire for Ukraine and was sitting down to email him that afternoon when the phone rang. It was a social worker at our agency telling me that a baby girl was born that morning and the BM loved our profile, chose us and wanted to meet us immediately!!!

Our good friend/neighbor came to get Owen and Rod and I headed off to the hospital only about 40 minutes away. We walked in the room, BM handed us the baby right off the bat and I fell apart. I thought I’d be able to keep myself composed for a bit, but I lost it. BM was so gracious, warm, friendly, and caring. She is older and has 2 grown daughters in their early 20’s as well as a son who is Owen’s age. One of her daughters took one look at our profile earlier that day and said “Mom this is the family for sure, they are perfect.” The other daughter was there Thursday evening with us as well, and like her mother, was so friendly, and just very loving to us. They both referred to us as Mom and Dad the whole time we were there. BM said she was not even emotional because she was so relieved the found the best family for her baby girl and she could finally sleep knowing she did the right thing.

We spent about 2 hours there and it was not at all awkward because they were so wonderful. I happen to be wearing a pale yellow sweater that night and I heard BM say to Rod “This baby has the prettiest complexion. I think yellow will look so pretty on her just like it does on her mom” I burst into tears again. Alden woke up and spent quite a bit of time just staring at Rod and I and BM thought it was so cute how much she wanted to look at her “parents”. Wow, this was like the best dream….hardly seemed real it was such a fantasy.

We returned to the hospital on Friday morning with Owen. BM was delighted to meet him. She was doing her paperwork so she was distracted, but she just loved Owen to pieces. He was great. He came in, kissed her then proceeded to just charm the social workers and the BM the rest of the time.

We planned to be there the whole day and BM wanted to be discharged as soon as possible. She almost stayed another night (since Alden was only 4.5 lbs, they needed to keep her 48 hours) because she didn’t want the baby to be alone, but she was so relieved that we told her we wouldn’t leave her until they kicked us out. Her daughter returned around 1:30 to pick her up. When her daughter was holding Alden, Owen declared, “That’s my baby sister and we get to take her home forever” The daughter immediately started crying and gave Owen the hugest hug and told him “Owen I’m so happy to meet you. You will be the best big brother ever”

We insisted they (BM and her daughter) had time alone with the baby before leaving. BM had been a bit more distant toward the baby that afternoon, so I knew it was important that I initiated the private time for them to have for their goodbyes. As they left, we hugged BM several times. She was so grateful to us and naturally us to her. When her daughter hugged me goodbye, it was the biggest most genuine hug ever. She said “She will have the best life, and we are so lucky to have found the perfect family” Oh God, I lost it. I told her to take care of her mom, gave them another hug and kiss and with that, they left.

My mom came to the hospital that afternoon, and later mom, Rod and Owen left for the day. I was able to stay the whole night at the hospital with Alden. That was an amazing treat. My neighbors came to bring me clothes to sleep in and to keep me company for the evening. The nurses told me as long as they had a room for me, I was more than welcome, so I got comfy and enjoyed my night with my baby. They had to move me 3 times, but they were determined to keep me there. They even treated me like an actual patient, wheeling me from room to room. They gave me a nice lotion/soap gift bag because they felt bad for bouncing us around so much. The nurses were amazing to us. They even took the baby for a few hours in the middle of the night so I could sleep and I ended up sleeping 6 full hours!!!!!!!

We weren’t discharged until about 1pm Saturday, got home, and have had company almost ever since. Today is our first solo day and I’m loving it. My neighbor took Owen for a few hours this morning so I can straighten up Alden’s room from the piles and piles of clothes that people have deposited. While we were in the hospital, my neighbors took all the clothes I had and washed them so all I had to do was sort out sizes and seasons. I also got hand me downs from a few people already, so I finally got things squared away.

I could not have written a more perfect scenario. I just joked with my agency director the week before that I was really ready for a drop in baby. “Just call after she is already born” I laughed.

Earlier last week, Owen and I were talking about our dreams from the previous night. Owen told me what his was and he asked me,
“Mom what’s your dream?”Not being able to recall my dream, I just said “I dream that someday you will have a baby sister” His immediate response was “Mom, dreams can come true you know”
Wow, how did I get so lucky?


As of today, October 2007, I have a wonderful 5 year old son and a precious 4 1/2 month old daughter. This life has taught me lessons I'm not sure I wanted to learn, but it has also shown me beauty beyond anything I can describe. I just had to wait for the right time to see it.


On behalf of my three babies,
Mallory my sunset
Owen my sunrise
and Alden my sunshine.

Thanks for letting me share my story.
Annette

[MKim]

Hi Annette!

I've still got tears running down my face after reading your story. Thank you so much for sharing! I could relate so much to some of the things that you wrote. I guess that I should share my story.

First, let me start by saying that I'm a DES daughter. My dh and I have been very happily married for 13 years. We knew that having a baby would be difficult, but we never dreamed that we would experience so many losses along the way.

The first two times that we conceived, we weren't trying. In fact, I was on birth control pills. Both times, I found out I was pregnant when I miscarried at just shy of six weeks. A couple of years later, we were both finally finished with school, with careers underway, so we started ttc. We got pregnant almost right away, but once again miscarried just shy of six weeks. Several months later, I had my first ever positive home pregnancy test. We thought that this time was it! I even felt pregnant. We were so happy that we could barely contain ourselves. Three days later, I once again miscarried. We were totally crushed!

I went through testing and discovered that I had an abnormal uterus, so I had surgery to repair it. We went through two very long years of ttc after that. We finally decided to move on to adoption. We had always hoped to complete our family through adoption, so we moved quite easily to the idea of starting our family through adoption also. We had just started to narrow our list of possible agencies when I discovered that I was pregnant. Surprisingly, I was already past that six week mark! We had an ultrasound every week for the next three weeks, and loved every second that the doctor let us watch our baby and that fabulous beating heart. We were starting to relax and settle in for the next 30 weeks of the pregnancy when my doctor dropped yet another bombshell on us. He said that I needed to have surgery right away or I had a large risk of losing the baby, and he referred us to a specialist.

The specialist concurred and wanted to schedule the surgery right away. He tossed around numbers and percentages, but we were so terrified that we didn't really take in half of what he said. Basically, we said that we would do whatever it took to keep our baby safe. I went in for surgery three days later. It was a horrifying experience (bad reaction to the anesthesia, etc.), but our baby made it through the surgery safely and that was the important part. I returned home on bedrest for two weeks, and then I returned to what I thought was going to be a normal pregnancy. At 18 weeks, I went into preterm labor. I was admitted to the hospital and put on Magnesium Sulfate among other drugs. Things settled down, and my doctor painted a very different picture than we had expected for the rest of the pregnancy -- total bedrest with hopes of being able to carry to a scheduled c-section at 34 or 35 weeks. I didn't care what it took. I would do anything for my baby.

I had really, really wanted a girl and was worried that if I found out that I was carrying a boy that I might feel disappointed. I felt guilty for feeling that way, because I knew that boy or girl, this baby was a miracle from God. Sometime during all of those ultrasounds in the hospital, I found out that I was carrying a boy. I actually cried tears of joy when I found out! Once I heard those words, I wanted a boy more than I ever could have imagined. After another episode of PTL, things settled down again, and I was released. I went home and straight into bed on my left side, but PTL started up again less than 24 hours later. I was once again admitted to the hospital, and this time, I begged them to keep me until delivery. I was so terrified that I would lose this baby, too.

Twice more, I went into PTL, and the drugs managed to stop it. Finally, at 21 weeks, I once again started cramping, but this time, I didn't feel any actual contractions with the cramping. The chief resident kept putting me off and putting me off. It got worse all day, and I kept asking the nurses to call my doctor. They just kept calling the chief resident. He finally came by to see me 12 hours after the "cramping" started. He still didn't do anything about it, just said that I had a UTI. An hour later, my water broke. At that point, there was no way to stop labor. I was rushed into emergency surgery. I can't express the pain that I felt as they were frantically rushing me down the corridors to the operating room -- the labor was nothing compared to the emotional pain. I knew that I might die, but I didn't care. In fact, part of me even wanted to die so that I could be with my baby.

I was in surgery for four hours and had a horrible reaction to the anesthesia. They gave me an opportunity to see my son when I finally woke up, but I was so sick that I just couldn't. That is still what hurts the most. I never even got to see my son. I didn't get to hold him or touch him. The nurses on the labor and delivery floor were wonderful. Our son was born far too soon, but he was such a fighter. He lived for an amazing 45 minutes after birth. One of the nurses stayed with him the whole time and later told me everything that she remembered about him. She told me how peaceful he was, because he was still under the effects of the anesthesia that had been given to me. He didn't feel any pain. I think that is the only thing that really helps in any way -- knowing that he didn't experience any pain and that he wasn't alone. The nurses took pictures and put together a beautiful little box with his blanket, cap (complete with a spot of his blood inside), footprints, etc. That and a tiny little grave with a granite headstone are all that we have of our precious little boy. Well, maybe not all, since we do have the memories of those 21 weeks that he lived inside me. I wouldn't trade that time for anything. I can still recall vividly the feel of him moving inside me, and remember the nurses chasing him around with the doppler (he didn't like that very much). I remember watching him turn cartwheels and somersaults on the ultrasound. I remember one special night when I was in the hospital and feeling very scared. I pressed my stomach, and he kicked back! For the next half hour, he and I played a game together. I will always treasure those very special memories.

Almost as soon as I got home from the hospital, I started to talk about adoption. I assumed that we would jump right back into our previous plans. My dh, however, realized that we needed to wait and let ourselves heal. In hindsight, I can say that he was right, but at the time, I just wanted a baby in my empty arms. We had never really confronted the types of emotions that we now felt. Both of us felt an intense desire -- almost a need -- for a biological link to our children, but now that was closed to us. It took us two years and some rough times along the way to finally deal with that so that we could embrace the idea of a family built through adoption once again. We changed adoption paths, also. We had intended to adopt an older child from foster care before. After losing our son, we decided that we had a new need to share as much of the early times with our children as possible, but we were terrified of experiencing the feelings of loss of another child if a birthmother changed her mind, so we switched to international adoption of an infant.

It has taken us another 2 1/2 years to save the money and do all of the other things to prepare for the adoption. Finally, after some early hurdles, we are on the road to adopting a baby girl from Russia. We opted to request a girl, because we don't want to take even the slightest chance that she would ever feel that we were trying to replace the son that we lost with her. I still have that desire for a son that was born in my heart the minute that I learned that our son was a boy, and we would really like our daughter to have at least one sibling, so we are hoping that this won't be our only adoption. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Annette, I truly believe that your little girl is looking down on you. We, too, have had those moments and signs. On our son's first birthday, it was stormy and pouring rain, just like the day he was born. We were high on a mountain praying, when suddenly the patch of sky right over us cleared, and a rainbow appeared. It made us smile through our tears. Then, the same thing happened on his second birthday. When the day comes for us to tell our daughter about the big brother she never got to meet, we'll tell her that he is up in heaven painting rainbows.

Take care!
MKim
mommy of 5 precious angels paperchasing for our little girl somewhere in Russia

[ElaineS]

In April 1997, dh and I decided that we would start ttc. We wanted to have a family. After several months with no luck I went to my doctor and was referred to an OBGYN (who I just loved). He did a laparoscopy (August 1998) and had dh go through some testing and both of us were found to be A-OK!! The next step was Clomid. After six months and no luck, our OBGYN decided to refer us to one of the best fertility clinics in Canada. We had our first appointment there on July 8, 1999 and they, too, put us through a bunch of testing and found no reason why we could not conceive on our own. After much discussion we all agreed that IUI was probably our next best option. We did 3 IUIs (Sept, Oct, Nov 1999) all of which were negative. Why was this so hard for us? We just want to have a baby. Why are we having so much trouble? Little did we know that our troubles hadn’t even begun.
We had another appointment with our RE and decided next to try IVF. This was done in October 2000. The procedure itself was not too bad, but harvesting my eggs was absolutely horrible. I then became critically ill with OHSS and was hospitalized for 4 ½ weeks. I had both lungs aspirated and had developed blood clots that went into my lungs. I had a pulmonary angiogram and was started on Heparin. A couple of days later I had an u/s and, OMG, we were pg with TWINS!!! We were so excited, although I felt so ****ty that I wasn’t sure how I was going to look after them. Finally, I could go home and I gradually regained my strength. I had to continue giving myself Heparin injections throughout the pregnancy, but that was no problem. I was pg and that was all that mattered.
On January 17, 2001, we had a routine u/s done (the first one that dh was able to come to) and our OBGYN found a THIRD baby!! OMG…we are having TRIPLETS!!! Can you say Holy SH*T!!! We were thrilled, scared, anxious…you name it! However, this excitement was short-lived because just a few days later I had a huge gush of blood just after midnight while sleeping. I screamed for dh and he rushed me to the hospital. They checked for heartbeats right away and found all three. They seemed fine. OBGYN did an u/s and said the babies were fine, but there was a small tear in one of the placentas. I was put on bedrest and five days later the bleeding subsided and I was sent home on partial bedrest (only to get up to pee and shower). On February 8, 2001, we went to the High Risk Clinic 3 hours away for a Level II u/s. Our babies were doing wonderfully, growing right on schedule, had all their parts, and were all BOYS!!! WHOA! The surprises just keep right on coming!
However, this excitement, too, was short-lived because on February 20, 2001, at approximately 4:55 a.m. I had another gush only this time it was clear fluid. I knew instantly that this was not good. I screamed again for dh who rushed me to the hospital. They checked for heartbeats. All three were fine. But they did say that Baby A’s water had broken and it was very very likely that he would be born today. And he was. At 9:25 a.m., Rem, was born weighing 11.4 ounces and being 10 inches long. We knew he could not survive being only 21 weeks gestation but he was such a fighter and lived for nearly four hours. Thank God for our nurse. I had such severe back labor and she stayed with us right from the beginning and rubbed my back as she monitored my contractions. We were hoping to save our other two boys. The nurse asked us if we wanted to see our baby and hold him…what kind of a question is that? How could I even contemplate this when I was trying to save my two other babies? My mind was a mess…a jumbled up mess of emotion. I was in no frame of mind to make such a decision. Unfortunately, we never did see our baby. It is the biggest regret I have to this point in my life.
My contractions slowed and we were hopeful that I could continue to carry the other two boys. However, at 1:40 p.m. Declan was born. He weighed 12.4 ounces and was 10 inches long. He lived for 1 hour 45 minutes. And at 1:46 p.m., Dawson was born. He weighed 12 ounces and was 9 ½ inches long. Three beautiful baby boys. “They’re all gone”, I remember saying to dh as he slouched over me sobbing. The rest of the day is a blur. I know I gave birth to three beautiful baby boys (never seeing or holding any of them). It was a nightmare that I have yet to wake up from. We were given pictures, their blanket, hospital cards, handprints and footprints from the hospital and are so grateful to have these precious memories of our children. I, too, remember those 21 weeks and treasure every moment that I carried our boys.
It took some time, but we finally decided to try again and did an FET in October 2001. We conceived a singleton only to miscarry at 7 weeks on November 7, 2001. It was devastating, but in a different way. We knew that was our last chance at a biological child. Prior to the FET, we had discussed adoption and had decided that if this didn’t work out we would proceed with our application. And we did. At the end of February 2002 we were approved and waiting to be matched. We have been waiting ever since. We just recently had our two-year homestudy update completed and were told that our profile is great and it is just a matter of time. I love the idea of building our family through adoption, but just wish it would happen. It seems like we will never get our turn to be parents to living children.
So for now, we wait.

[TASHA_H]

My Heart goes out to both of you. I know your children are looking down on you.

My story is a lot different than most. Dh and I met in Jan of 02. We fell in love right away. Right before we met my OB/GYN thought I had Uteran Cancer and he did a D&C and a Histrocopy(sp?) We found out that everything was Fine. Shortly after Dh and I were togeter we decided to start the TTC thing. We wanted to wait until we could get married but my exhusband was draging the divorce out it was going almost 2 years. March of 02 we started. I went to my doctor and told him. He was happy and said that if not luck after 6 months then he will look into things. Then in July I had an Ovarian cyst. The Dr said that we would watch it and go from there. Well it just got larger and so on Aug 27, 2002 we did surgery to drain the cyst. I went in feeling good because he deliver my youngest and did my last surgery. I came out of recovery and I felt very different. I kept telling the nurse that something was wrong. About 3 hours after my surgery I need to go to the bathroom. The nurse helped me up and as soon as both feet hit the floor so did I. I passed out and woke up to the nastiest smell. The nurse said it is from the anesthesia is why I passed out. They gave me a bed pan and I didn't want to go becuase I knew I had to have a bowel movement and there was all my family and friend there. Well I asked everyone to go for a minute. Dh stood outside the door and waited for me. Well I had my B/M and I started to scream it was painful and something inside felt really wrong. Dh walked in to see two blood clots the size od melons sitting in the pan and blood all over my bed. The nurse came in and said "Oh this is completly normal" Another 2 hours went by and I kept telling them something was wrong. The nurse came in to take my Blood pressure and it was 80/60. Something is really wrong and now everyone knows this. They call the Dr. He cames in and ordered an U/S. In this they found my WHOLE entire inside we full of blood. I was bleeding some where. After this things started to become a large blur. I remember my BP was 60/30 my family crying and the nurses say they will do everything they can to save her.
I came out of surgery almost 3 hours later. I had to have a full blood transfustion. My right overy was removed and I was cut from my Belly button to hair line. I wanted to scream I hurt so bad. I started to reject the blood and I had to have 4 units of platelets. The Dr. told us I had a blood disorder and I could start to bleed like this anytime. On my Check up he said after your 6 weeks you can go back to TTC. The six weeks came and went very slow.
In Oct of 02 we found out I was PG. I was so happy and called the Dr. He did blod test and everything. By my LMP I was 9 weeks. There was so much going on in Oct I didn't even notices that I was late. We found out on a Wed and on Sun I was getting into the shower and noticed Blood. I screamed for my Dh. All I thought was it was happening again. We rushed to the ER. They were going to just send me home but one of the nurese from the surgery before remembered me and told them "No, she has a bleeding disorder" They called my Dr and he came in and did ER surgery. Once again my DH and family were waiting for the worst. This time they didn't know if they could save me. How much blood has she lost, are we too late. All the same things that keep going thru my mind and the biggest on was am I going to lose the baby?
About 2 hours later I came out of surgery. The dr said you were bleeding out again and I had to vaccum everything. I don't know if the baby made it. I will check you Beta's and see. Well the baby didn't make it. When I was 5 days post op I went to see him because I was in so much pain. He walked in and said "Your a big Baby, take this once a day for your pain" Then walked out. I was crying becuase I didn't feel as if I were being a baby. I went to get my Rx filled and they asked me if I have ever taken this before. I told them "no it is for pain right?" They looked at me like I was nuts. The lady said no mam this is prozac. It is for depression. You should call your doctor before you take this. I was thinking this must be a mistake. I called and he told me that "this is all in your head and you need help" I freaked out. I called all over town to get in to see another Dr. no on would see me because I was 5 days post op. One Dr. did see me. he ordered all of my reports and had me come in.
I came in and this was the hardest thing to hear come from his mouth. He looked over everything and asked me what I knew. I told him about the bleeding disorder, the PG and everything that has gone on. He asked to see my belly button. I asked why, "isn't that were your last surgery was?" It was a c-section cut. My surgery report says 2 inches, mine was 8 1/2 inches. HE then told me about my first surgery and how it was the last Dr. fault I was bleeding. He cut into my ovary and then closed up. I lost my ovary because I bleed for so long (6 1/2 hours) it would have ended up rupturing. The second surgery was the biggest heart ache ever. He asked "did they do blood work before surgery?" I told him yes and he said ok this is what I think happened. You first Beta was 250, the day of your surgery it was in the 800's and then after surgery it was 149. He didn't wait for you test to come back before surgery. I think you were just having some break through bleeding. He vaccumed out your baby. He had some tests ran to see if i had bleeding disorders and they all came back negitive.
We started TTC about 3 months after the last surgery and have had no luck. We talked about adoption and thought we would try a little long before we jumped into anything. Well that whole Idea went out the window. A friend of the family's grand daughter was in Jail for bad checks. I am friends with her and thought I would go visit her. She was so happy to see me. We talked for a little while and the she says "I have something I want to show you." She stood up pulled up her shirt and there was a PG tummy. It was so cute. Then I thought wait this is not happening. I looked at her and tried not to cry becuase the only thing that was going thru my mind was "she is in jail and pg, I have been TTC for so long and she is pg" She looked at me and said " I am not keeping the baby, I want you and DH to have it" She went on about how she know we have been trying for so long and she doesn't have the means to take care of a baby. I went home and told Dh and he wasn't very sure of anything. We all decided to wait one month before we do anything. That month went by and we started the paperchase. We are now about two weeks away from our baby's birth.
Like Annette said

When I got home I was compelled to find out when Owen was conceived. I counted 40 wks. back from his due date realized that his heart started to beat the exact week Mallory's stopped. I have always said since that she loved him so much she gave him her heartbeat. Our two babies are connected in our hearts and connected in theirs.

I was the same way and it ends up that Bmom conceived the same week of my due date. I know that gods has a greater plan for DH and I having our own children. Right now it is adoption.

Tasha

[alexismoreno]

I am sorry to see that there are other ladies here. I wish we did not have these stories to tell:

Well here goes mine:


My dh and I have been married for 10 yrs. We did not ttc for the first 6 yrs of marriage (finishing school, naive and thinking it was my decision when I would conceive, yeah right). Well right about the time I decided the time was right, I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis. I was 30 and still thought that after surgery everything would be okay. After 6 months with a regular ob/gyn, i knew the endo was back. On to an RE who said surgery and ivf were our only hope. After surgery and 5 months of lupron depot (nasty endo meds), we did our first ivf. I had no hope that it would work. But it did! I was pregnant with twins at 31. I saw both heartbeats at 6 wks. Then at 7 wks, our first little one was gone (I will never know if that angel was a boy or a girl). I was sad but grateful to still have one baby. My pregnancy was great, no morning sickness. I worked the whole time. I was the picture of health. I always wanted a girl, but I as soon as I knew Jeremy was a boy, I was in love! I started having swelling a bit early though. The stupid ob said I just eating too much. I wish I could go back and change things, but we all know that is impossible. The swelling was in my ankles and feet. She said I was fine no u/s needed. On Valentine's Day 2003 I started feeling like I had a cold, and my asthma started acting up. I also had a bladder infection. On Sunday my asthma was still bad so we went to the hospital (2/16). I thought I would stay the night and be home the next day. Well, that day I heard the words I do not wish on anyone, "sorry he is gone". My husband and I called our families and everyone came and was equally shell-shocked. I was induced and Jeremy Jacob came into the world at almost 31 weeks at 2:00 AM on 2/17/03. He was small for 31 wks and had his cord around his neck and arm. We buried him and our hearts the next day.

Annette's description of the pain after having Mallory is a perfect way to describe it. It did feel like being tortured. I still do not know how I have made it here. God and my wonderful husband deserve the credit. Well, like a crazed woman I started ttc right away. I though for sure if God took Jeremy he would give me a miracle natural baby. How silly I was! Next we tried another ivf. It was a big mistake. I was not ready physically or emotionally. It was destined to fail. My poor little blast did not stick. We had been researching adoption the whole time so that became our next move.

We tried to do adoption from the Republic of Georgia, but just when our paperwork was almost ready, they closed adoptions. We were pretty devastated. My dh said no to intl. I didn't really want to do domestic because of the chance of birthparents changing their mind, but it was our only hope. We signed with our attorneys in October. In January they told us we had been selected by birthmom due in June with a boy. We met her and she is wonderful. Now we have to wait and pray that she decides to sign. Of course you all understand how hard it is for me to be ++. I want this more than anything, but I am so afraid that something will happen to the baby or that she will not sign. All we can do is pray and wait so that is what I am doing each day. I wish you all strength and some kind of peace. I hope to get to know all of you and rejoice as your adoptions become a reality.

My best to all of you,

Alexis (mommy to Jeremy born asleep at 31 wks and his twin m/c at 7 wks)

[Jamie D]

Oh my gosh ladies...I am just sitting here with tears running down my face. Your stories are absolutely incredible and you are some of the strongest ladies I have ever "met" (as much as you can on an Inet board!) Even though I have never experienced a loss of a bio child, I just wanted to offer my support. You ladies are an inspiration and I just wanted to let you know that.

There are ladies out there who will read these stories and even though they may never post, I know they will be affected. Thank you all so much for taking the time to put your stories out there to share with others...may God Bless You All!! In His Name...Jamie D

[tippy J]

I have been lurking here and there at ft for years... It seems I came back looking to share some hope with others...

Our story begins, Dh and I married in 1997 got pg on our own right away. I m/c @ 6wks. Devastated sitting in my then Dr's office listening to her say "you are young, you'll have more children." 5 months later october 31st 1997 we concieved our son. No drugs, on our own. He was born July 7, 1998. Hindsite tells me he surely is our miracle pregnancy. We statred ttc again when he was 6mo. old. Finally in Jan.2001 we went to see an RE. Unexplained IF. Jan. 2002 our 5th IUI/ repronex cycle we are pregnant! 12 weeks into the pg I started spotting. At first they thought it was a bladder infection. I started going in for weekly checkups to make sure baby was fine. My Dr. acts like i'm a pain in his your know what. Finally after 2mo of bleeding I get him to send me to a perinat. Dr. u/s shows placenta previa and it's a girl! I keep telling them "I alo think i'm leaking fluid. NOBODY is listening. The leaking feeling was from bacterial vaginosis caused from the bleeding. 20 weeks into my pregnancy I woke up in the middle of the night with contractions, go to my dr. that morning, he sends me home saying everything is fine (no contractions at the time) 8 hrs later I give birth to our beautiful daughter Grace on the bathroom floor in our home. She never had a chance. The ambulance "guy" put her in a garbage bag and to the hospital we went. Nice huh? She weighed just over 10oz. and was 10in long. We burried her the Thur. before Memorial Day. There were days after that when i would lay in bed and want to die. Death had to be easier than facing the pain. I thought about her everyday, I was consumed with anger knowing that her death could have been prevented. After losing Grace I did alot of research about BV and found out it is more than likely what caused my labor. It is still hard to know that had my dr. treated it and put me on drugs to stop labor I would probably have my little girl today.
We went back to the Re 3mo. after losing our daughter, got pg again and m/c @ 6 weeks. In Jan 2003 we had decided to give ttc 3 more tries and move on to adoption. As morbid as it is we decided after losing Grace, 3 consecutive losses was our limit. Feb. 1st 2003 pg again! not getting excited until both betas come back. I didn't even tell dh until i got the 2nd beta. Wow! everything looks good. U/s at 8wks... we are excited but, cautious. There is no heartbeat, baby stopped growing... I couldn't believe it. Honestly after all we'd been through I thought for sure luck would atleast be on our side.
I walked out of the clinic that day and called the adoption agency. By june 1st 2003 we had all of our paper work done and were offically "in the book" (we chose domestic) October 31st, 2003 almost 5mo to the day we went into the book, we got the phone call a birthmom wanted to meet us! She was due in 12 weeks. We met her on Nov. 13th and liked her immediately. She is smart and funny, beautiful and mature. She is everything I prayed for. She doesn't use drugs, drink or smoke, she eats healthy... I could go on and on. On jan. 19, 2004 our beautiful son Nathan was born. We stayed in the hospital with him and his birthmom the entire time. We are SO blessed. He is 2mo old already! Although, I still think about Grace almost everyday, it is different now. sometimes I still want to be pg again and sometimes I miss the idea of that little girl in our lives. But, mostly when I do cry it is because God has given me these 2 wonderful living angels and I am their mom. I never had any connection with the babies we lost and Nathan but, I knew that I knew back in june 2003 (he was concieved in late april) that he already exsisted and that filled me with a tremendous sense of peace.

May all of your journeys end with tremndous blessings

[bigdipper]

These stories are all so heartwrenching. I'm glad I have a box of tissues next to the computer. I just want to tell you all how sorry I am that any of you had to go through the loss of a baby. I hope you are finding comfort and support knowing there are others who can relate to your story and your choices in family building.

Congratulations for all those who are in the difficult process of adoption, it's a big step and may your wait be short and tragedy free.

And Congratulations to Tippy on the recent birth of her son Nathan!! What a beautiful thing!

Annette

[shaz]

Hi Ladies,

It's a bit overwhelming to try to summarize the last 4+ years, but here it goes. I'll try to keep it short.

I think we started ttc in 1998. We did our first IVF in Jan. 2000. I got pg only to miscarry at 6 wks.

We did a second IVF soon after. We transfered 3 embryos and I got pg with triplets!! Rather scary at first, but also very exciting! My peri was very positive about me having a healthy pg. And with the exception of a lot of morning sickness and one bleeding scare (I remember going in to be checked on July 4th), everything was fine until 20 wks. At 17 wks. I had my level 2 ultrasound. We were expecting three girls! The ultrasound was video taped - now the only way I can see my little girls wiggle their toes or suck their thumbs.... At 20 wks. a routine ultrasound showed my cervix funneling. I was immediately sent to the hospital and spent two days there being monitored. I was in PTL which was effecting my cervix. I was sent home on complete bedrest with a home monitor to monitor contractions and meds. to stop contractions. My DH was such a sweetheart. He took care of everything for me. We were still very optimistic. Ten days later I had a lot of cramping that wouldn't go away. The monitor was not picking up many contractions though. Eventually I called the dr. and was told to go to the ER. I was 4 cm dialated when I got there and was told there was little hope. I was put on mag sulfate and trendelenburg, but to no avail. The next afternoon Claire Elizabeth was born at 21.5 wks. gestation, 15 ounces and 11 inches. She was the sweetest, most fragile little thing I'd ever seen. We held Claire until she passed away. I remember her little fingers moving when I touched them.

We were going to try to stop labor and save the other two babies. I only made it ten more days. It was an agonizng ten days - grieving for Claire, worrying, and being very, very sick. Everyday there seemed to be a new complication. I was on all kinds of medication that was making me sick and I was still having a lot of contractions, especially at night. Baby "B" had gotten her foot down into my cervix and I could sometimes feel her kicking me. My DH didn't go to work at all. My Mom flew out from across the country. Eventually I got infected. I remember vividly the dr. telling me we had to deliver the other babies because of the infection. This dr. had no bedside manner and I was so angry at him for a long time. Isabelle Ruth weighed 1 lb. 1 oz. and Colette Marion weighed 15 oz. They were born on a Thurs. morning at exactly 23 wks. gestation. Once again we held them until they passed away. My memories of them are a bit foggy because of all the drugs I was on. I spent three more days in the hospital on IV antibiotics for my blood infection, which apparently was quite serious. I remember those first days at home. The silence was enormous. I busied myself making special announcements of the girls' birth and death. Then there was Christmas and my pregnant sister and pregnant teenage niece...

We were very scared to try again, but we did. It had only been about 4-5 months since losing our girls that IVF #3 was negative. That was absolutely the lowest point of my entire life. I was very depressed. We were very tired and wanted a baby to hold so badly. We did a FET that was also negative. We had one more frozen embryo and so we did a final FET although we really had no expectation of it working. It didn't.

Literally the same day as the last negative beta, we mailed our application to the adoption agency. We had already researched it all and were ready to go. We planned to adopt from Guatemala, but a few months later found out that an acquaintence knew a woman who had just given birth to a baby girl and wanted to place her for adoption. A month later that little girl, our beautiful daughter, came home forever at 5 1/2 wks. old. Amazing! We postponed the adoption from Guatemala for about 6 months and then proceeded. The following summer our son was born in Guatemala and came home at 4 months old. I cannot begin to explain the joy that these children have given us. They are incredible little people and I am so honored to be their mother. Sometimes I can't believe this is my life....how much pain and grief and now how much happiness....

[JanieIL]

Here is my story - although I'm not sure where to start.

We did IF tx for almost a year when I got pg with our son in July '94. It was so exciting, the pregnancy was perfect. At 27 wks, I asked to have an u/s. Everything was going so well, my ob wasn't going to do one, but she did for me. I won't go into that amazingly horrible day, except to say our son's bowel was outside his body in a skin sack. I could go on with a whole story just about him. I went into PTL at 29 wks & was admitted to the hospital at 30 wks & put on mag sulfate for the next 6 wks. He was born at 37 wks, on March 15, 1995, a nice big boy & came through the surgery fine & continues to be our miracle boy!

Then in the fall of '97, we decided to start tx again. This time it only took 4 cycles! I was so excited! It was Jan. '98 & I was 40 1/2 yrs old & pregnant!! From the beginning I had terrible morning sickness - all day. Everyone said that was a good sign - lots of hormones in my body.

At 16 wks, I began to bleed. I was terrified. My ob assured me that lots of women bleed all the way through & have healthy babies. She put me on partial bed rest at home. I had an almost 3 yr old - so I was up more than I should have been. My mom finally came & stayed with us, but being an awful housekeeper, she drove me nuts (my kitchen floor was never mopped in 5 wks!!). This is where a lot of guilt comes in, since I did get up more than I should have. I wish my ob had admitted me like she did with my son. But she just kept saying "don't worry, everything will be fine, some women bleed all through their pregnancies". Some days the bleeding would be less, some days it would be more. I had a placenta abruption. As the weeks went on, the bleeding increased. By 19 wks., I started bleeding pretty heavily & was admitted to the hospital. Honestly, it NEVER, NEVER occured to me that I would loose this baby. After all, I was past the 1st trimester! I'd been through so much with my son, I could get through this pregnancy.

Well, dh & I were planning to find an apt. to rent (the hospital I was in was about an hour away from where we lived, in the next town) for my mom & son to stay, so he could see me everyday, since he was so little & hadn't really ever been away from me. We assumed I would be in the hospital for the duration of the pregnancy, which we knew wouldn't go full-term.

My ob commented that she would only let this pregnancy go on until my life was in danger & then she would step in. Again, I had no idea how serious this would be. They put me on mag sulfate, which almost immediately made me start vomiting. They did ultrasounds & found that the baby had almost no fluids. They gave me the news that the baby could not continue to grow & survive without more fluids. They tried giving me drugs to increase them. The abruption was so much that the drugs did nothing. My heart was breaking. I was beginning to understand.

After 3 days, I began hemorrhaging. They got it stopped, but I knew that it was serious. They had to give me two units of blood. I was REALLY feeling sick & very weak. The next day, the drs & social workers all began talking to me, preparing me for what was going to happen. My ob said she would start to induce labor that day. My heart was breaking, but at the same time, refusing to believe what was happening. Some sick mothering instinct was almost making me excited that I was going to deliver. I was on several inducing drugs all day & into the evening. Nothing was happening.

My dh had been with me all afternoon & evening & had just stepped out for coffee when something amazing happened. I was sitting/laying in bed, rubbing my tummy & the baby, not having enough fluids to hardly even breathe or move, pushed her tiny little hand onto my tummy & I could actually see the little bump. I took my finger & put it on top of her little hand. We "touched" each other for about 10 seconds & then she couldn't do it any longer & her hand was gone. I haven't told very many people that, because it makes me cry so. What a precious, precious moment we shared. I felt it was her telling me good-bye & that she knew I loved her.

About 3 hours later, I began hemorrhaging again, uncontrollably. The nurses & my ob were freaking out. Before I knew it, I was on a gurney, being rushed down the hall to the operating room, like a scene in a hospital show. I was going into shock & was shaking uncontrollably. I remember them transferring me to the operating table & putting the anesthesia mask on my face. They had to give me 2 or 3 more units of blood.

When I started waking up in recovery, I saw my dh there. I asked him what we had had. He said, "a girl". I was so happy & sad at the same time. Weird. After another hour or two (I'm always slow to come out of anesthesia), I was awake enough that they brought our sweet Lilly into us. She was so tiny & yet perfect. She had eyebrows & eyelashes, fingernails & toenails. Her body was perfect, but mine had failed her.

I called my mom & sister & they came. My sister took some very good pictures. There is a woman, who many years before, lost tiny preemie baby & was very distraught that they had to bury him in a blanket, because 1) there were no clothes tiny enough to fit him and 2) even if there were, they were in no condition to go out shopping for them. So her mission in life was that that not happen to other parents, so she hand sews, knits, crochets little dresses & bonnets for the hospital to give to parents of these babies born-too-soon. That in itself also always makes me cry. So I got to dress my baby for the last time.

She was born & died on May 28, 1998. We named her Lilly Opal. We had her cremated & it happened to take place on June 2, dh & my 9th wedding anniversary. sigh. Anyway, my best friend bought us a Precious Moments figurine of an angel blowing hearts down from her cloud & that is what we had her ashes sealed into. I couldn't bear to part with her, so that figurine sits in our library & I love it.

The next 3 yrs were an absolute blur of depression. If it hadn't been for my son, I would have begged God to let me die!! I had never felt such pain. I was miserable, my friends didn't want to be around, because I was so depressing - it was a huge snowball effect!

We tried an IVF almost a year after we lost Lilly. It failed. At that point, I suddenly got a very strong desire to adopt, even though I had promised dh that if he would let us try an IVF, I would never mention adoption. I kept researching adoption of all types & FINALLY, three years later, dh agreed to adopt (I won't even go into those nasty years).

We started with Guatemala & were completely ready & waiting for our referral, when they signed the Hague Treaty & pretty much brought everything to a halt. At our ages (45 & 54), we knew we couldn't wait around & so I began looking into other options, country-wise. I learned about birthmothers & babies from the Marshall Islands coming to the U.S. (due to visa-free travel) to get medical care, etc. & give birth either in Hawaii or Oklahoma. We quickly switched over & on July 25, 2003, we got a call that they had a bmom carrying a girl who was due 6 days later & were we interested! Talk about an exciting time! Dh had just returned from a conference, so he couldn't get away (he has his own business), so 6 days later, on July 31, ds & I were in Honolulu. Our beautiful, perfect daughter was born Aug. 3. I was with our bmom during her labor & know what a sweet thing she is. Hindsight, being so much clearer, I can see that we were meant to have this baby & would never have if our daughter had lived. And if she hadn't been conceived & lost, I don't know I would have had the determination to get through the adoption process.

Of course, there is a ton more & I could go on & on. Thank you for letting me write all this. I think about our Baby Angel almost daily still & this was wonderful to be able to write so much down.

Janie