Emotions-How to Deal?

[Still Smiling]

After five years of medical issues and resulting infertility, my husband and I decided to start the adoption process last April. Our home study was completed at the end of May. The first week of June, our profile was sent to three different agencies for babies due in August. We have heard back on all three and the birth mothers selected other families. We are down to earth, happy, fun, and good natured/hearted people. I know that there are so many loving, deserving, and wonderful families out there waiting and praying for children. My head says that there will be more opportunities, that OUR baby is still out there, and I truly know that it will happen for us. However, I wish that my head would tell all of that to my heart. I do not want to dwell so much on all of the things that we do not have and miss out on all of the things that we do have. There is a wonderful marriage here and after 9 years we are still so in love. I don't want to damage that. We also have a wonderful support system of family and friends. However, they have not had to go through all of this and honestly do not really know what we are dealing with. I have considered going to talk to someone, however I thought that I would try talking to others that are going through the same things first.

Any suggestions or advise on how to get through the tough times? How do you deal with it?

[babydreams82]

Hi Still Smiling!

I am very new to the adoption game, but have been going through infertility and treatments for around 5 or 6 years. We are currently in the saving mode for our adoption journey.

As far as coping........it is sooo difficult. Like I said, we haven't even gotten to the stage of showing our profile and being turned down, but I am sure it is one of the worst feelings ever.

I talk online at different fertility forums. I have found a few adoption buddies who are in a similar place as myself. I research my butt off! I buy and read tons of books so that I will keep being prepared. I blog about my journey so that my family and friends can get a better understanding of not just the process, but my feelings at each stage also. And, most of all, I live my life. I consciously choose everyday to make the most of the day even if I am still without a child. It is hard and when I feel like I just want to crawl back into bed and throw the covers back over my head I tell myself that very same thing-I choose to make the most of this day even if I do not have a child.

Good luck!

[Lovey1226]

Ugh, there are no easy ways to cope and for everyone it's different. I posted a very similar question about 6 weeks ago. If one more person told me to relax or take a long walk, I was gonna hurt them.

For me, I had a few close friends I could talk honestly with, as well as DH. As with dealing with IF - communication with your spouse is key. DH was just as frustrated as I was, so we were able to commiserate together.

We have been dealing with IF for 7 years... we are now in an adoptive placement position - our son has been with us now for 5.5 weeks Miracles do happen. And you may feel, they seem to happen to other people... but it's truly amazing when it happens to you. We had a lot of patience and faith- that helped us. Also, I blogged a lot. During my IVF attempts I blogged, then during our adoption process I blogged but kept it a lot more private. It really helped me express my emotions.

I wish I could just give you an answer for coping, but it's different for us all. But know, you are not alone in this; the IF and adoption roads are both bumpy -- not a smooth journey. However, will all the support here on FT's and other online groups it really helps to know you are not alone on this journey.


Hugs and smiles-
Kim

[bigdipper]

Hi. A seasoned veteran here....many years of infertility and loss and completed 2 adoptions. How did I cope? Well through all our inferility years it was tough. Just DH and I muddling through it alone for the most part. After our last loss I sought the help of a counselor and she was monumental in getting me through some very dark times. Those times with the counselor also blended into the start of our first adoption journey and she helped immensely through that too.

Around that same time, going to my counselor (which I recommend to you as well) I found this site. I was slow at showing myself, but eventually came out from hiding and formed some very close relationships with people who had been through similar things. I felt so vindicated to finally have peers to talk to about the things the world would rather not acknowledge. Six years later, here I am still and I can count these ladies among my very best of friends.

I spent the long wait for our second adoption right here on these adoption boards licking my wounds with those who understood and I can tell you it was immeasurably different than the "go it alone" route we did the first time. So as trite as it sounds, and maybe a shameless plug, just stay right here for support. There is a wonderful group of ladies at the Matched/Waiting to be Matched board. (there is a super long thread on there, please don't be indimidated) Once you find that everyone here truely gets it, you will feel right at home.

So basically pull up a chair here and talk it out.

Edited to add: Is there a way to tell your agency or lawyer that you don't want to be notified every time your profile is shown? This is a very individual decision, some want to know, others do not. But if you don't know that you are being shown, then you won't experience the repeated let down if you are not chosen. We did not want to know unless there was something about the situation that needed approval. This is something to consider to save a bit of sanity.

[Still Smiling]

Honestly, just saying some of this out loud really helped. Because I try to always be upbeat and positive, I tend to "avoid" thinking too much about or discussing my own emotions. I breathed a long sigh after my last post! It is so nice to know that there are ways to talk to others that are in the same boat as you. My husband is a wonderful man, however I think that he doesn't know quite what to do with me right now during this emotional roller coaster ride. I will check out the Matched/Waiting to be Matched boards, as this is more in line where we are at right now. My adoption agency had to advise us of the previous potential matches due to some medical issues and larger fees, however they are pretty good about not telling us when we are being presented. I am sure that my husband called to remind them not to let us know about every one after the mini nervous breakdown that I had last time we heard that we were not selected.

Thanks again, so much, for the replies.

[HopesPromise]

You are doing the right things by coming here and talking about how you feel. And contrary to your username, don't feel that you always have to be smiling. You don't always have to show a happy face!

As Bc-bigdipper said, counseling was also VERY helpful to me. My DH and I attended several sessions together, and then I went solo for a long time. I was the one who was affected emotionally more, showing sings of clinical depression. After our 2nd failed IVF I hit rock bottom. I had been a member of FT there, but did not know of the adoption bb's. The adoption bb has been my life line. Like Annette said, I have absolutley made life-long best friendships here.

I kept a list of activites...it was a list of things I could do even when I didn't want to do something. It is ok to cry, it is ok to spend a few extra hours in bed, but after that, you have to go on. Life does go on. And as hard as it is, you sometimes just have to force yourself to do things. Even the daily things, like eat, drink, shower...you have to do it. But when you get depressed you don't want to do anything. So, my list was things like: read a book, go for a walk, ride my bike, crochet, listen to music, call my sister, journal, etc. There were things on there that list that I could do with my dh like go to Olive Garden for dinner, go to a movie, go to the lake, etc. I was specific as I could be. I can't tell you how many times I and dh used that list. There were many days that I didn't want to do anything, and dh knew I had to, so he would get my list and say we are doing XXX. In the end, I LOVED him for that, even though I would give him a hard time about it during it all!

I do hope you stick around and let us be here for ya.

[Still Smiling]

After hearing this week that we were not selected for yet another baby, I made an appointment to see a counselor with my husband on Tuesday. This will be our first visit (ever) to a counselor. I am sure that it will be a tough day, however I cannot imagine it getting much tougher than it already is. A casual friend told me that she adopted her daughter and she did not hear a yes until the 15th call! I am hoping to leave the counselor's office with some coping tools just in case that is what our situation is going to be like. My husband is kind of freaked out, because I am usually the rock of the two of us. And that is not really the case right now.

I like the list idea. I think that I may borrow that. I plan on sticking around the boards too, this has helped.

Have a great weekend!

[HopesPromise]

I am so glad to hear that you are going to see a counslor. And it is good to hear that you will stick around with us!

[cassr]

Just wanted to say that I too understand how you feel and that only those who have been thru it like we have truly understand. This is such a supportive group of women and I am able to express things here that I'm not comfortable talking about w/ "real life" friends. We went thru tough times w/ medical treatments and failed adoption and are now parents to 2 beautiful children thru intl adoption and awaiting our 3rd adoption. I know it is so cliche to say that once you have your child in your arms the long wait will not seem so long anymore, but in some ways it is so true. Even with our 3rd adoption (and 2 children to keep us busy), the wait is still difficult. I remember how depressing and difficult it was when we were waiting to be become parents for the 1st time.
Peggy, I love your list idea ---- what a fabulous idea and it sounds like it really helped you and dh get thru the wait.

Cathy

[Still Smiling]

We went to counseling last week. It was good. I cried the whole time, could barely even get a word out. But, I think that is what I needed.....to let some of this out. My husband actually came with me. He talked a bunch, more than I thought he would. He actually talked more in depth about a few things that I did not know were bothering him as much as they were. We have a great marriage, however I guess you can always work on making it better no matter how great it is!

I have heard from several women who are going through the adoption process.
We all have the same feelings and heartaches during it. Each one says that the process does not seem at all bad once you are holding your child(ren) in your arms. Cannot wait for that day! At least we have each other until then.

Have a great week ladies!