New here and need help considering inter-family adoption.

[2B Me]

I just turned 46 and my husband is 44. Our niece is expecting a baby and wants to know if we want to adopt. They would prefer to keep the baby in the family. We have one daughter who just turned 12 and has always liked being and only till just recently when she said she would not mind a little sister. We don't know the sex of the baby yet.

We don't know what to think. I always wanted more than one child, but we never tried too seriously and any attempts were within the past year. I've refused to give away many things my dd used and have thought that this is the latest age I would consider starting over with an infant. In that regard, the timing is somewhat good, other than I was just starting to embrace the idea of our only and enjoying the GFs that she doing more with as she becomes a teen.

We worry about the drama of an inter-family adoption. We live in different states, so that does give us some cushion from his very dramatic family. The last thing we want is our niece moving near us and expecting to be part of our lives often. We would not mind sending photos and visiting on a holiday now and then, but we do not want us or her to ever feel we are raising her children for her and we want to gauge the children regarding when they should know, etc.

I'm looking for help in how we should go about considering the adoption. Adopting in itself is a big decision esp. when you already have a child of your own, but the inter-family is another complex layer that no one can predict and the niece is not very stable emotionally.

This niece just had another baby in Feb06 by a different father. (I guess she didn't learn.) She is not with either father any longer. Protective services took her first son away from her since she was leaving him in the care of others too much. A family friend has temporary custody of him. The niece wants to keep her son, but is not in a position to provide for him. I wouldn't mind both, if I were to consider one, but we fear the her drama terribly. I know two is a lot more work, but I don't know that I want another only child. Two would entertain each other more and that would help us as older parents.

She wants us to sign to adopt the baby before it is born since she thinks protective svcs plans to take it when it's born.

Our SIL does not want to raise the children. She has three other children, one a teen, one 5yrs and one 3yrs. Her dd won't follow rules of the house, so there is too much turmoil and SIL and BIL really only would want to help care for the first grandchild. SIL convinced her dd to not abort it and has been also asking us to adopt the 2nd child. SIL also asked us to adopt the first child, but the niece wanted/wants him. Neither dad is involved or wants the children.

Another concern is even if we would sign to adopt this due baby, we don't want to be locked into adopting a baby that might not be healthy. The niece also has ADD and depression and we fear those things being passed onto her children.

Please help me help us think this through these many issues.

[waiting2bamom]

Hi and welcome!

First of all....take a deep breath.

My DD is from a birth family with more mental illness, learning disabilities, and ADHD/ADD than I could have ever dreamed of. Do not worry about that. You could give birth to a child with those things. You really have to get over that and if you can't, than there's your answer - don't adopt the baby. (Give yourself a considerable amount of time to ponder this - like months!)There are plenty of families out there that would gladfully accept a child that has risk factors for those things.

Next thing is to my knowledge there is NO such thing as signing to adopt for a baby before the baby is born. You need to know adoption laws in your state and the baby's home state, too. Contact an adoption lawyer and they will give you a free consultation.

As far as the interfamily adoption, it sounds weirder than it really is. I think that is something that won't loom over you after you begin loving the child.

Not sure if you are a woman of faith, but I'd do a lot of praying and listen to what the Lord has to say. He will speak to you if you are listening. And of course you MUST be on the same page as your DH.

Blessings.

[waiting2bamom]

The other things you could do is read books on adoption and attend some free agency seminars. They will educate you on the process and the emotions.

But trust me, you will LOVE a child that you adopt despite their medical history!

Oh, I also think sending pictures and an occassional visit is a very reasonable expectation to have.

[2B Me]

Thanks for your thoughts. I will have to look into local agencies and lawyers.

I spoke with my sil today and told her we would consider adopting both children and she passed it along for our niece to consider, but said the idea of giving up her son made her cry. When asked if she wanted to have this baby adopted, I heard her reply quickly, "yes." She really is not in a position to raise her son. The court today gave her a list of classes, etc. she needs to complete before she can return to court in Dec06 to get custody back.

I sent them both an online link to photos of our dd's bday party and her summer and our home. It may help my niece think things thru since she has never visited us before. We could give her children a nice home, family and life.

SIL says niece will say she wants to be involved, but she has to push her now to do things with and on behalf of her son. She's only 19 and not with either dad.

I told SIL that they need to get each dad to release rights. Neither is involved. I told them they need to do this before we can fully consider adopting either.

I find it interesting that I am more interested in adopting both than adopting one. I always dreamed of having two children of similar age.

I told dh we need to consider this and it’s not so much that you think you aren’t “free” till the kid(s) is 18. We have been leaving dd home since she was 11 and now she is home and can help watch. It’s not as if we can’t run to the store or go to a movie or out to eat ever. DD is home for six more years and then when we need a sitter before or after dd goes to college, hiring for one kid is the same as hiring for two and we will know more girlfriends of dd's that will be qualified to sit.

Dh is mostly worried that it will feel as if we are raising our niece's child(ren) and not our own.

What can you share on that experience of an open adoption and feeling like the child really is yours?

[ssh]

I don't have alot of time to respond right now as my DD is sick (napping) and I have to take her to the pedi shortly. I don't know anything personally about adopting within a family. I would make sure you have an attorney or agency (need to check your state requirements). Even for identified adoptions (which is what this is called) you need to follow the laws of your state.

I would post your question (probably easier to just copy and paste) into the general parenting bb and the parenting over 35 bb. I know there are some women who have adopted from family members and can probably speak to you about their experiences and give you advice.

I would make clear what you expect as far as a future relationship (letters/photos,etc). Unfortuntely I have to run, but see what others have to say... learn as much as you can about adoption (open, semi-open and closed) and see what you feel comfortble with.

Best of luck.

[waiting2bamom]

Hi again,

As far as the pbirthfather releasing rights beforehand.....that doesn't happen that way except I think in one or two states. As far as I know, it all has to happen after the baby is born. Usually the mother is 72 hours after the birth and sometimes the father is sooner after the birth. But I have never heard of a case where it is before the birth of the baby.

Unfortunately you cannot manipulate the adoption process to lessen your chances of getting disappointed and hurt. Domestic adoption is a RISK. The BM could change her mind and the BF could decide to parent. Every state has different time tables as to when parental rights are terminated, etc.

This is all new to you and will take some time for you to feel less anxious about the risks and unknowns. It takes lots and lots of time and talking to people that understand the process. (People that haven't done adoption may try and scare the bajesus outta you!)

Open the phone book and look under adoption attorneys and just pick up the phone and get educated. In the meantime, I looked up how long the birth parents have to change their minds in CA and it is 30 days after the birth according to my source. (So, 30 days to sweat it out.) But the baby isn't in CA, right? It goes according to where the baby is born.

As far as loving the child.....I've never had a bio-child, but all I know is I love DD more than life itself. And my love for her grows stronger and stronger by the minute! She was worth the risk and the anxiety and the wait!!!! We wouldn't have it any other way.

Our agreement with her birthfamily is letters and pictures twice a year, but I do it more often. We call eachother on birthdays and holidays and it works for us. They are also in another state, too.

I really encourage you to call an atty. as soon as possible. It will take many conversations to understand the lingo and legalities since you are so new to this.

[2B Me]

Thanks again. I have hardly dipped my toe in this pool and have so much to learn and consider. LOL

Is there a website you suggest? I googled and found this site that says a father in OK can waive rights before birth, but the mother is after the birth.
http://www.tuckerlawfirm.com/adopt.html

I've asked my SIL in OK to help with the legal paperwork/process too.

I'm not worried about loving a child even though I have a bio. child.

[smac]

I have a bio DD (5 yrs old) and an adopted son (16 mos) thru open adoption. I was initially worried about feeling like I was "babysitting" him or looking after him for his birthmother and that he wouldn't feel like MY son, since our adoption was open and we see his birthfamily every couple of months or so (they live in a town about an hour away). I've found however, that I don't feel that way at all. Our DS could not be more attached to us and we are his parents in every possible way. Since we only see his bfamily every couple of months for an hour or an afternoon, he doesn't have the bond with them that he does with us (obviously), so my fears were basically unfounded. He will know them and have a relationship with them but will always look at us as Mom and Dad, and that is obvious in the attachment that he has to us and that we have to him. Once you start parenting those children, over a period of time, they will feel completely 'yours' and you won't feel as though you are looking after them for bmother. Having said that, it is very important for you to create boundaries with bmother that ensure you and your DH are comfortable and have the ability to bond and parent those children in a way that creates a 'family' feeling for you and the children. Boundaries must be respected on both sides to ensure that the open adoption works and that the children feel that they belong 100% in your family and are not straddling two families. If your niece agrees to the adoption, she will have to respect your boundaries (visitation, contact, etc) so that you don't feel that your family feeling is compromised in any way.
I know that this is not a concern to you, but I will let you know that we have absolutely no difference in love and bonding between our two children, one bio, one adopted. You will bond with those kids and once you do, you will love them til your heart breaks, same as with your bio DD. It's a wonderful feeling.
Good luck to you, I wish you all the best
smac

[2B Me]

Thank you for your replies. They help me feel not so alone and uninformed.